I Finally Finished Enchanted Arms

[Insert obvious semi-spoiler warning here, in case you ever want to dedicate 40+ hours to Enchanted Arms, an 2006 JRPG developed by From Software. However, I would not recommend it.]

About two weeks ago I internet-barfed all of my anger towards Enchanted Arms on a post and slathered it on the interwebs. You can check it out —  Thanks For the Boner-Kill, Enchanted Arms — otherwise this post might not make a whoooole lotta sense — just like all of my other posts, amirite?!

I believe the last time I left ya’ll with this lovely story my party’s HP count was looking something like this:

Well, after four or so hours of exploiting the casino and raising my HP, my party was looking more like this:

That’s definitely a vast improvement, not necessarily where I needed to be, however, but at that point it was either A) I try to wrap this game up or B) I stash it away forever. And after putting in that many hours into a game I wasn’t absolutely thrilled about my pride had a firm, tight grip on my balls and I decided it needed to be conquered.

So, here’s the thing. I had heeded the warning of everyone on the interwebs and adequately raised my HP to a point that should have made the fight with the final boss, The Queen of Ice, semi-tolerable. After all, that’s what the internet was saying and we all know the internet doesn’t lie.

“The Queen of Ice battle is SO hard!”

“I had 10,000+ HP for The Queen of Ice!”

“OMG, that fight with the final boss (Queenie!) sucked so bad!”

…but…

NO ONE FUCKING MENTIONED AFTER DEFEATING THE QUEEN OF ICE THAT I WOULD BE FORCED TO FIGHT FIVE ADDITIONAL BOSSES, IN A ROW, WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO  HEAL OR BUY EXTRA HEALING ITEMS. SERIOUSLY. I’d fucking scramble to finish a boss and use all of my items. Then the boss would, like, morph and say “OHAI!” then BOOOOM another battle ensued. OH! And ALL of my characters started EACH following battle with 1 Hp. Yes, 1.

Out of all of the forums I read, NO ONE mentioned that the Queen of Ice was just the first (and second) of seven total boss battles. I mean, that would have been good to know seeing as I practically used ALL OF MY ITEMS during the fights with the Queen of Ice. And I know it sounds like I’m bitching at the internet and waving my torch of hate around, but that’s not the case. I should have looked ahead in my walkthrough, should have been more prepared, yadda yadda yadda.

But as you can clearly tell by these texts below, I didn’t. Also, I don’t know why this person wanted their stuff to be omitted, but I am a GREAT friend and granter of wishes. BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU OWE ME HOT WINGS.

LOL. Okay, here’s a tidbit into Britt’s life — whenever she gets frustrated, all intereweb-sentences starts out with “OMG” (in case you hadn’t noticed.). I guess you could say I had my first run-in with From Software’s games, seeing as I have yet to play any of the Demon/Dark Soul titles. Speaking of that, if you like those games you must be into S&M. That is all.

When all was said and done —

…wait. Before I initiated all of the boss sequences I had about 43:10 invested, and according to that screen I 100%’d at 46:18. SERIOUSLY?! I spent about THREE hours fighting bosses?! GYAAAAAAAAH!!! Well…whatever. It was an immense challenge, but I was victorious. All I know is that had I died, those are three hours I never would have repeated. Seriously. If I had died mid-battle against one of those seven fucktard bossfights I probably would have thrown in the towel. BUT I DIDN’T PERISH, so all is good. ::flexes muscles::

Now it is time to reflect upon the 46 hours I had with Enchanted Arms. And the long story short is…drum-roll please…I wouldn’t recommend it. :/

It’s kind of weird, because I actually liked the characters, but the voice acting was pretty bad (for lack of a better word, like,  oh, let’s use “atrocious”)  and what SHOULD have been simple dialogue lasted anywhere from one to five minutes. OF. JUST. DIALOGUE . Combine that drawn out jabber with the awful voice acting and…well, you get it. There was never really anything super-duper interesting to do — the game was very linear (sad face for little to no exploration!) and there wasn’t a hecukva lotta innovation when it came to gameplay.

Now, if Enchanted Arms was like a ten hour game, then okay, I’d say give it a shot. But seeing as I spent nearly 50 hours with it — and I didn’t even attempt the side quests — that’s like, five Uncharteds (HA!). Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a terrible game by any means — hell, for it’s time it was probably pretty decent, but this is 2013 and a LOT has happened since its release in 2006.

If you’re itching for a RPG, go play, like, Earthbound. AND YES I EXPECT YOU TO COUGH UP THE $200 FOR IT ON EBAY.