WHY CAN’T THIS BE REAL: Zombie Attack Barbie

If this were ever a real thing, and if I ever spawned a female offspring, this would be without a DOUBT the first thing I buy. I mean it. Instead of hanging a cute and cuddly mobile above the crib, I’d hang Zombie Attack Barbie and all of her accompanying weaponry.

I used to play with Barbie. I’d dress her in a frilly, pink sparkling ball gown and have her meet up with the penisless Ken for a date. There they would discuss important things, like their cats and homework. But had I grown up with Zombie Attack Barbie chances are I wouldn’t have been such a pansy when I played Resident Evil for the first time back in 1998—and that is a signature moment in my life I wish I could change EVERY DAY. You don’t even know how many sleepless nights those intense 32 bit pusbags caused.

Zombie Attack Barbie could have prevented all of that childhood trauma.

So, let’s give major kudos to artist Sarah Langton and hope that something like this comes into existence very soon.

I mean, sure, the bright pink camo swimsuit get-up and matching attire/weapons might not be ideal for the zombie apocalypse, but we need to ease our children into this and teach them that one can slaughter thousands of zombies and still look fabulous. Look at Jill Valentine. Look at Claire Redfield. Hell, look at Leon Kennedy; he’s the prettiest of them all and I never saw a strand of his hair OUT OF PLACE. 

Clearly, Leon Kennedy grew up with Zombie Attack Barbie.


  1. My only question is what environment is pink enough for that camouflage to work? There must be a place somewhere…

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