The Walking Dead

July 2nd, 2012: EYEGASMS.

I’ve had a code for the first episode of The Walking Dead since April, but because of this thing that happened called “Xbox 360 going tits-up” I JUST redeemed it yesterday (AFTER finishing Mass Effect 3! BOOYAH!). I wasn’t sure what to expect from the interactive story-esque game, but um, after finishing the first episode let me confess that I am in love with it. For serious. TALK ABOUT EYEGASMS – the cell shaded art, the AMAZING character animations…oh God. I’m getting that tingly feeling again.

Meet…well, meet me. Well, the character I control. His name is Lee and because of the choices I force him to make I love him very much. Anyway, I first met Lee while he was, um, in the back of a cop car on his way to prison. The older cop driving was making conversation with Lee, and I quickly came to the conclusion that I loved the cop as well. Unfortunately Mr. Cop was too busy blabbing to notice a dead person was shambling in the road and we hit said dead person and crashed so hard. When Lee woke up he was in the woods, still in the back of the cop car, and there were moans, screams and another shenanigans coming from outside. RUT ROH.

Lee was still handcuffed, so I had to force my way out of the cop car and grab the keys off of the cop’s body. AND OF COURSE LEE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED THE KEYS RIGHT BY THE COP’S MOUTH. DID I MENTION THE COP LOOKED PALE AND, UH, LIKE A ZOMBIE WAITING TO LURCH UP AT SOMEONE? WTFBBQ. I just *KNEW* what was coming as Lee reached down to pick the keys up…

…but nothing happened. Thanks for that, Telltale Games. Thanks for shaving a year off of my life.

About the time Lee got himself free from the handcuffs, Mr. Cop began to twitch and moan. Of course this means he wants to eat my face off. But I eventually managed to shoot nice Mr. Cop in the noggin and thus ended his career as a zombie.

Lee was being kind of stupid and instead of his mind screaming “ZOMG ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!” he began hollering for help. Right. Good job, man – draw attention to yourself. And draw attention he did. Before long tons of zombies were chasing Lee through the woods. He finally came to a fence, hopped that shit and ended up in the backyard of a relatively nice home. I’d hit it. Er, I’d live there. C’mon — it has a freakin’ TREE HOUSE.

Unfortunately the inside of the home was effin’ freaky. Not only was furniture tossed all around, but a HUGE blood stain encompassed the kitchen floor (Lee, being the intelligent man he has, managed to slip on it twice). There wasn’t a lot to see inside, except for some freaky child handprint art. OF COURSE. OF COURSE THERE HAS TO BE A CHILD ZOMBIE IN MY PRESENCE. And believe you me I waited for it to pop out and say “OHAI!”.

The other notable things inside the house were the three yet-to-be-checked voice messages. (I think I recall these from the original teaser!) The messages were from zom-child’s mother to a babysitter who was apparently watching the zom-child while they were away. From the messages I was able to pick up that the mother and father were on a trip of sorts when the father was attacked by some “crazy” man and required hospitalization, so their absence would be longer than anticipated. By the time the third message played it was evident that these parents were probably not gonna make it out alive. (Because, y’know, when the messages are all panicky and like “I LOVE YOU CLEMENTINE! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE—beeeeeeep” it’s not really a good sign.)

At some point I had obtained a walkie talkie (SUCH a fun word) and suddenly the voice of a little girl came through on the other end. Turns out zom-child wasn’t a zombie at all! I peered outside and the little spawn (Clementine) was chillin’ in the tree house! Unfortunately I was abruptly attacked by a zombie. But it’s okay – for when everything looked bleak and as if I might be nommed on alive, Clementine shimmied down the tree house and handed me a hammer, with which I bashed in said zombie’s brain. Good times.

After some brief chit-chat I decided we needed to use the safety of the daylight to try to find a new place to stay. We left Clementine’s house and quickly saw Shawn and his goofy ass neighbor/friend/whatever trying to move a vehicle in the road. After they decided I wasn’t going to eat them, we made brief conversation and I told them I was Clementine’s neighbor and we were looking for somewhere safe. Because, like, had I chosen to tell them I was just “some guy” that could have come across as being a creeper, rah?

But, y’know, this IS a zombie apocalypse and eventually we were spotted. We quickly worked together to move a vehicle out of the way and hopped into Shaun’s truck. He said he had a farm or some shit. Of course, any fan of The Walking Dead would have a hunch that this was going to be Hershel’s farm, and sure as heck it was. Hershel came out and asked me a few questions while bandaging my leg. HE ALSO CAUGHT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF A LIE. I said that I obtained the leg wound from a car accident while “we” were heading out of Atlanta. He later asked who I was with, and I said “nobody”. And he was all “Well you just said ‘we’ a few moments ago…”

BUSTEDDDD.

Shaun then suggested reinforcing the fence perimeter around the farm. Cool. Great idea buddy. It’s not like that’s going to end up killing you tomorrow or anything.

Ahem.

Hershel stuck Clementine and I in the barn where we tried to sleep and such. Lee woke up from a nightmare, but it was an audio-only experience for the player. It sounded like a woman’s voice saying “Tee-hee I love you. Tee hee. TEE HEE.” /DEATH! /SCREAM! /CUE LEE TO WAKE UP VIOLENTLY!

…yeah. That’s exactly how it was.

For the record, this entry covers MAYBE 25% of the the first episode. I didn’t realize it would take FOREVER to write it all out. So, episode one (and I’m sure the ones to follow!) will require multiple entries. ;)

July 10th, 2012: CARLEEEEY!!!

The next day I was woken up by Kenny, and quickly met his wife, Kat, and his son, Ducky. Or Duck. Either way Kenny said his intelligence was equivalent to that of a pile of bricks. FATHER OF THE YEAR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

I made my way around the farm, socializing, getting to know people, y’know, being the nice “new” guy. But when I went over to visit Shawn, who was nailing the fence, and Ducky, who was fucking around on a tractor, I had to make a decision to save one or the other. You see, these things called zombies blindsided the both of them and I had to choose which person to save. I chose to save the kid (after all, this world needs more dumb people) and Shawn promptly was bitten and killed. YAY!

Hershel wasn’t very happy and promptly kicked all of us off of his farm. HEY, MAN. I read that no matter what Shawn was destined to die (ie; you can’t save him no matter what) SO YOU SHOULDN’T GET MAD AT ME.

We headed to Macon, Georgia. We got in a tight squeeze but were saved by a group of survivors who were, coincidentally, holing up in a drugstore that Lee’s parents owned.

LET’S MEET THE PEEPS!

Lilly is the leader of the survivors, and her dad, Larry, is a douchenugget. In the earlier close call, Ducky was surrounded by zombies but wasn’t bitten. Larry wanted to kill him anyway, but I stood up for Ducky and made sure that THAT wasn’t a thing that happened. Larry has a heart condition and needs medication.

Ducky’s parents were happy that I prevented their son from being murdered. YAY. Or at least I think I did. I dunno if that was one of those “Shawn” circumstances aka he couldn’t die even if I wanted him to.

This guy is kinda dull. I mean, he’s really not that exciting. But he saved Carley so that counts as something!

Oh, Carley. Well, she WAS a reporter and DID have a slight thing for Doug, but, uh, yeah. More on that later.

And of course there’s Clementine, who had to empty the contents of her bladder, which is all well and good and all but Lee, like a dumbarse, told her to grab the keys and open the LOCKED bathroom door by herself. Okay. If there’s a locked bathroom door and we’re in the middle of the zombie apocalypse you better believe I’m going to assume there’s a zombie inside. I’m NOT going to send a little spawn to figure that out for herself. Anyway, there was a close call but I saved her from THE ZOMBIE INSIDE THE BATHROOM. Yep. There was one in there. FIGURE THAT OUT.

Lee told Lilly he’d look for her father’s meds in the pharmacy, and in order to do that he had to go through the office. Of course the pharmacy door was locked and required a key NO one had, but inside the office Lee found a photo of his family.

Carley, the reporter, entered the office and pretty much told Lee “OHAI I know you were going to prison because you murdered the man who was boinking your wife. But you seem like a good guy so I won’t rat on you unless you give me reason to.”

Awesome.

What’s even more awesome? Glen radioed in and told us that he was stuck and surrounded at a nearby motel. YAY! So off to the Motel Lee and Carley went (she WAS waswaswas the best shot) and we quickly found Glen hiding in a freezer. We were ready to peace back to the drugstore, buuuuut he told us there was a girl nearby, but she quickly locked herself in one of the motel’s rooms after meeting Glen.

Sweet.

Through some careful maneuvering we were able to put down the surrounding zombies and break into the motel room. Oh. This girl Glen was talking about? She had been bitten.

WHAT A WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. Damn you, Glen, and damn your penis! Lee gave the girl his gun and she asploded her brains out. It was an act of mercy, I promise.

The three of us headed back to the drugstore. Remember that photograph of Lee’s family? Well, the younger dude was Lee’s brother, and he happened to be chilling outside of the drugstore. And by “chilling” I mean he was a zombie crushed by fallen debris. Since the pharmacy door was locked, Lee figured his brother would have the keys they needed. Doug and Lee distracted the zombies (Doug was able to use a universal television remote to activate the TVs across the street) and Lee ran over to his brother, grabbed the keys and killed him. Uh, again.

With the keys in hand, Lee and Lilly opened the pharmacy door. UN-FRIGGEN-FORTUNATELY this triggered an alarm. A very LOUD alarm. An alarm loud enough to draw hundreds of zombies to the confinement of our “safe” drugstore. Needless to say all of us had to peace ASAP.

And then I was faced with another decision. Do I save Doug? Or do I save Carley?

I wanted to save Carley, you guys, I really did – she had proven her worth with her awesome aim and she was kinda hot. But she knew Lee was a murderer, so that bitch had to go. /sadface. As we were all hastily leaving the drugstore, friggen’ Larry punched Lee, knocking him out. Kind of. It threw him for a loop, that was for sure. THAT ASSHOLE. I WENT THROUGH SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR YOU. Ahem. Kenny ended up saving my ass.

We fled to the motel for shelter. Once we were there, Glen heard Atlanta was overrun by “walkers” and decided he was going to return to Atlanta to see if he could help out in any way. Aaaand with that, homeboy peaced. As the first episode wrapped up, Larry A) Made sure I didn’t want in his daughter’s pants and B) Dropped this little bomb: He knows Lee is a murderer.

CARLEY!!! I’M SO SORRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY!!! >___<!!!

Ahem. Here are my stats:

LOL at the percentage that saved Doug. I wonder why everyone saved Carley? Was it her worth? Her virtual bresticles? ;)

July 24th, 2012: St. John Goodness

Episode three of The Walking Dead begins with Lee and new character Mark (who I freakin’ LOVED. Yes. Love with an “ed” at the end. Grrr…) frolicking in the woods. And by frolicking I mean they were desperately hunting for food because shit had gone downhill during the past three months — Lilly and Kenny are fighting like none other regarding who is “in charge”, food has become so sparse it is now divvied up via a food lottery and Kenny is threatening to leave once he gets the RV up and running. THINGS ARE SWELL AT THE INN, FOLKS!

During Lee and Mark’s, uh, frolicking session they hear a blood curdling yell and find the source of said yell is Mr. Parker, a high school band director caught in a bear trap — oh, and he was with two students, Travis and Ben Paul. I mean, talk about shitty luck. It’s terrible enough to get caught in a bear trap, but to get caught in one during a zombie apocalypse? Hot damn. You just weren’t destined to make it, dude.

HOWEVER, Lee decided to give Mr. Band Director another chance at life, and while several zombies were slowly shuffling their way he chopped off Parker’s leg. Oh, yes, that was a lovely thing to experience. Gave me PTSD, just like the end of Saw.

After leaving Travis AND Mr. Parker’s right foot in the bear trap we made haste to home sweet home. But, uh, no one received a warm welcome. Instead it turned into a bitch fest as to WHY we had to bring another mouth to feed and WHAT were we thinking and HOW are we going to take care of this guy and we NEED to send Ben Paul on his way and yadda yadda yadda.

While Kat was trying to save ol’ Mister Band Teacher, Lilly bestowed upon Lee the grand duty of rationing out the food. Lee’s task, should he accept (and he did) was to give out four pieces of food to out to four people at the Inn. Did I mention there are, erm, ten people at the Inn? (I totally had to play favorites.)

After I gave out the noms (I didn’t even save any for Lee :/) Kat declared she wasn’t able to save Mr Band Teacher. Shortly thereafter he kinda, uh, reanimated as a zombie and tried to bite all of our faces off, but fortunately we were able to prevent that from becoming a thing that happened. It was at this time that Ben dropped the ball: YOU DON’T NEED TO GET BIT TO BECOME INFECTED! WE’RE ALL INFECTED! GYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

One of Doug’s booby trap indicator whatcha-ma-callits went off, alerting the Inn that a few random folk were approaching the Inn.

Those kids happened to be the St. John brothers — Andrew and Danny to be exact. Oooh, those guys…y’know, for it being a zombie apocalypse they had a substantial amount of “meat” on them. Hemhem. Anywho, these guys claimed to be out of gasoline and they offered to strike the Inn crew a deal — in exchange for gasoline they would offer food and other important things they out of. So, in order to verify that these dudes actually hailed from a Dairy Farm and could actually hold up their end of the bargain, Ben, Mark, Doug and Lee accompanied Danny and Andrew back to the farm.

See that lovely woman? Her name is Brenda. She is actually not a lovely woman. She is a craaaaaazy mudda’trucker who seriously needs to get a grip on things. Also, bad hair dye is bad.

As we began to talk with the residents of St. John’s Dairy we learned that their one cows was sick or some shit. Doug was all like “DUDEBRO WE HAVE A VET!” so he and Ben left to grab the rest of the group. It was clear that everyone was trying to play their cards juuuuust right so maybe, JUST maybe, the Inn residents could move in with the Dairy folk. Oh, sure. That sounds just peachy. JUST FREAKING PEACHY. Anyway, while Doug and Ben were off fetching everyone, Lee and Mark were asked to patrol the perimeter, AKA the electric fence and remove any bodies that may be stuck on it. Apparently that was the Dairy’s main defense — an electric fence. I mean, sure, it will keep the zombies out (to a point) but, uh, what about smart people like REAL PEOPLE WITH BRAINS? Hmmmm. Bandits, perchance? /foreshadow

Did I mention something about bandits earlier? Because shortly after we began to remove the zombies along the fence freakin’ BANDITS began shooting at Mark and I! And one of them hit Mark! THOSE BASTARDS! Mark was still alive, but why is it that every character I have a “thing” with either dies or gets injured? I mean, friggen’ Alistair even died in my first play through of Dragon Age: Origins. Grrrr….

We somehow managed to escape and confronted those St. John bastards on their supposed “security”.

Meanwhile, Brenda took Mark inside to “treat” him. Yep. Treating him REAL good, she was. Yessiree.

……ugh.

Everyone had arrived at the Dairy by this time, and for SOME strange reason several of them were startled and turned off by the Dairy because Mark had been shot. What weird logic, I can’t figure that one out…

Looking for revenge, Lee and Danny headed into the woods to seek out the Bandits’ camp.

 

Weird shit was found. Very. Weird. Shit.

August 30th, 2012: Death by Salt Lick

So, let’s talk about some of that weird shit Danny and Lee found in the tent. There was a weird bunny-doll thing (that, personally, would have given me nightmares) a photo of a woman and her spawn-daughter and, well, Clementine’s hat.

Right when Lee was trying to figure out WTF was going on, this crazy bandit-lady named Jolene waltzed on over with her crossbow. I guess she had every right to be there, seeing as it was HER camp and all but still, BANDITS ARE BAD MMMKAY. Ahem. Anyway, she went on to spew all of this garbled incoherent-esque dialogue about The Dairy and why it sucked. But she couldn’t friggen’ SPIT OUT! And to make matters worse, I could tell her presence was making Danny extremely nervous. In fact, he started asking Lee to shoot Jolene! Lee refused, so Danny, uh, shot her right in the head RIGHT as it appeared she was about to actually say something logical.

Danny and Lee returned to The Dairy. Now, at this point Lee’s “WTF” radar is going off like, I dunno…like something crazy. After speaking with Brenda he learned Clem and Ducky were watching a pregnant cow in the barn. Because that’s always exciting.”Let’s watch this poor, distressed cow right before she emits a calf out of her cow-vag.”

Poor Bestsy.

Everyone was just waiting around for dinner at this point, so Lee decided to check on the kids. In the back of the barn he found a “suspicious” door that had like a million and a half locks on it. Kenny was also rather suspicious of the door, so he and Lee devised a plan to fuck with the generator outside, which would cause Andy to temporarily leave the barn ::fist pump:: GO TEAM!

Unfortunately Lee was, aherm, caught fucking around in the room when Andy came back. Apparently (and this is according to Andy) the room was a “slaughter house” and his “mama” wanted it locked up because it, like, made her nervous or something. (Admittedly it has been a while since I played, so this is all based off of my stellar memory.) I really don’t think Lee bought it, but alas Dinner was ready so he headed to the safety of the St. John’s household.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

What if I told you when Lee got to the house he made up an excuse that allowed him to snoop around? And that he headed upstairs and found my best friend Mark? You know, Mark! The character I really, REALLY like(d). That’s believable, right? BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU MARK WAS NOTHING BUT A TORSO WITH ARMS BECAUSE HIS FUCKING LEGS WERE FUCKING CHOPPED OFF BECAUSE THE FUCKING ST. JOHN’S WERE COOKING FUCKING HUMAN MEAT FOR DINNER?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111onehundredandelevenpointone

After realizing there really wasn’t anything Lee could do for poor Mark (ENGHHH) he ran downstairs AND STOPPED CLEM FROM EATING HUMAN MEAT. Yes, that’s right. LEE STOPPED HER. I don’t know why some of you sick bastards were like “OHAI Clem, go ahead, put that piece of human meat in your mouth—…” Okay, that sentence just wasn’t going anywhere good.

So, yeah, I warned everyone that they were eating human meat. The St. Johns actually defended themselves, meaning they didn’t deny it. But they were butthurt that I revealed their little secret and locked Kenny, Larry, Lee, Clem and Lilly in the meat locker.

Unfortunately, all of the excitement of being contained in a meat locker owned by IRL cannibals was too much for old Larry, and he succumbed to a heart attack. Now, at this point Kenny is telling Lee that we have to kill Larry, seeing as he’ll probably, you know, rise up and kill us all (I mean, shat, Larry was a big dude) but Lilly was NOT having any of that, and began performing CPR. Lee had a choice to help either Lilly or Kenny. But I pooned out and just had Lee stand there and not do anything. I COULDN’T MAKE A DECISION!

But before Lilly could resuscitate Larry, Kenny ummmmmmmmm dropped a huge salt lick on his head.

Like, for serious.

Damn.

September 4th, 2012: Sweet Revenge.

Let’s reiterate from my last post:  A salt lick was placed upon Larry’s head. And by “placed upon” I mean it was thrust down in such a violent manner that it completely annihilated his head.

As you can imagine, Lilly was a little butthurt that Kenny killed her father. And I say killed because APPARENTLY if Lee chooses to help Lilly in a seemingly futile attempt to revive Larry, Larry beings to murmur something before Kenny performs aforementioned act of head squash-ation. But nonetheless, Larry ends up deader than dead. For serious — homeboy AIN’T coming back.  And while all of that is rather unfortunate, Lee realizes that they need to find a way out of the meat locker. Because, like, if they stay there they’d end up like Mr. Salt Lick Head on the ground, and that’s no bueno for eveyrone.

So, he sends Miss Clem through an AC duct. Brilliant.

Thankfully everything went smoothly and Clem was able to unlock the door leading out of the meat locker.

Waiting oh-so-patiently for us outside was Mr. Danny St. John, and I, um…I killed him. I killed him so hard. That bastard wanted mercy but deserved NONE! NONE OF IT I SAY! Unfortunately Clem saw me drain Danny of all of his HP and she got a little upset. But hey. The girl needs to grow some thick skin.

It was then time for Lee to play “Mister Rescue Everybody” so he headed back into the house to look for Kat and Duck.

Kat was being held hostage by Brenda.

Okay, this was an AMAZING scene. The lightening flashes in the background, the intensity…SO GOOD. But unfortunately I ruined the moment because I, the player, didn’t know WTF I was supposed to do. Instead of being patient and allowing Brenda to, like, talk herself down or whatever the HELL she needed to do I had Lee continue to move towards her which resulted in his death. Times three. Poor guy. Eventually, though, I “got” it and Brenda climbed up the stairs, where Mark (RIP MARK I LOVE YOU!) had turned into a zombie and bit her in the jugular. Crazy bitch.

I rescued Kat, and the next person Mister Rescue Everybody had to save was Duck, who was being held by Andrew. After saving Duck (I mean, come on, you didn’t expect Lee to fail did you?) the option was presented to kill Andrew. But I figured I got the killing bug out of my system and allowed Andrew to live. And by live I mean I left him incapacitated in the middle of his farm, which was about to be overrun with zombies. Also, I may or may not have felt bad for killing Danny in front of Clem. EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN’T. I don’t regret killing him, but damn. That little girl has a way of making you feel guilty. THANKS TELLTALE.

The group decided that they should quickly get away from impending death via zombies and bounced away from The Dairy so hard. (SMART!) During their bounce-ation, they stumbled upon a car that appeared to be occupied — to them, at least. To me it appeared to be abandoned and freaky-deaky. I mean, who leaves a parked car with the lights on in the middle of the woods unless some shit had JUST went down?

Thankfully there were supplies inside the seemingly abandoned car. Clem was being a little pure-hearted brat and was like “WE SHOULDN’T TAKE THESE BECAUSE THE PEOPLE THESE BELONG TO MIGHT NEED THEM!” Honey, I’m sorry, but if they had to ditch their car FULL of supplies chances are they won’t be needing them anytime soon. So, we took them.  That being said, I have a feeling this decision might come to bite us in the ass…

Anyway, in the car were batteries that fit a camcorder we found in Jolene’s tent.

Turns out, crazy stalker Jolene had been keeping tabs on the group ever since they settled at the Inn. And she had this, like, fetish with Clem.

Lovely. This only means amazing things are to come. =___=

November 11th, 2012: Another two bite the dust…

So I completely skipped writing about my experiences from Episode 3: Long Road Ahead because I played it RIGHT before PAX Prime and therefore had no time for life. But in a nutshell, here’s what happened: (THANKS, WIKIPEDIA!)

*Supplies are found to be missing at the motel. Lee finds a bag of medicine and food in a grate outside the wall. The inn is then attacked by a group of bandits.

*The survivors manage to escape in the now-fixed RV. Whilst in the RV, Lilly becomes more suspicious of Ben. After the RV hits a walker, the group stops while Kenny removes it from under the RV, and Lilly instigates an argument over the missing supplies with Ben, Lee and Doug. Lilly accidentally kills Doug when he prevents her shooting Ben. Lee puts her in the RV to punish later. Katjaa and Kenny then reveal to Lee that Duck was bitten by walkers during the motel attack.

*Due to a train blocking the road, the group stops the RV, which is stolen if Lilly. Lee manages to repair and operate the train, encountering a homeless man named Chuck who joins their group. The group leaves on the train. However, Lee has to persuade Kenny to stop the train and end Duck’s suffering, which has worsened. After stopping the train, Katjaa brings Duck to the forest to say goodbye, and shoots herself instead. When Lee approaches the scene, he shoots Duck.

*Back on the train, a guilt-ridden Ben admits he was the one giving supplies to the bandits, as he believed they had his friend. The reason they attacked was because Lee took the bag of supplies from the vent before they could collect it. Shortly after, Lee teaches Clementine how to shoot a gun and cuts her hair, and the two decide to head for Savannah to find Clementine’s parents. The train tracks are blocked by a gasoline tanker, which two new survivors named Omid and Christa help to bring down.

* After removing the tanker and seeing a horde of walkers, Omid and Christa join the group and leave on the train, though Omid injures his leg during the escape. As the group enters Savannah, Lee and Kenny hear a man attempting to talk to Clementine over her seemingly broken walkie-talkie. The man wants Clementine to join him, hinting that he has her parents, and that he knows she is with Lee.

So, yeah, if you couldn’t tell I copied and pasted 99% of that from Wikipedia. Wikipedia: Making lives easier since the internet was born.

To be honest, I actually wrapped up Episode 4: Around Every Corner last night, but I’ll try to play it off as if I have no idea what happens in “the future”.

A-hem.

WHY THE FUCK DID DOUG HAVE TO DIE. SERIOUSLY. WHY. WHY DO ALL OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS DIE. All Doug wanted was love. Well, I don’t actually know that, but I mean, I assume that’s all he wanted. Poor dude was socially awkward and probably hadn’t been laid in forever. And with that being said — damn you, Lilly. If I see you again I’m going to shove your ass between Lee’s hairy and (presumably) sweaty butt cheeks and see how you like it. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DID TO US. Not only do you kill Doug, you freakin’ take the RV like a poon. A POON, LILLY. A POON.

Curse you, Ben! I know you were trying to be helpful and all, but please — just stop. The only reason I’m going to keep you around will be for zombie bait, given the choice.

And…Duck. Well, you were rather annoying but damn, it kind of broke my heart to shoot you in the face, kid. But what I feel the worst about is I didn’t give you that high-five you wanted back at the motel because I was too busy taking a picture and by the time I got my hands back on the controller, the option to slap your hand was no longer available.

My bad.

December 30th, 2012: HOLY SHITBALLS.

Wow.

So, um. Yeah. That last episode of The Walking Dead was balls-amazing, cinematic and had a lot of meat and girth to it. Like, I don’t even know where to begin — so much happened! Maybe I’ll just stick to the main plot points. I ARE OVERWHELMED. I wish I could vomit everything into a bucket and pour it into your brains.

Kinky.

And it’s behind-the-scenes time: I had a post written up, but WordPress decided to lose it. And, like, I put quite the bit of effort into that post. So, in a way of admitting defeat I’m going to wave my white flag and post chunks of the Episode 4 recap, courtesy of Wikipedia. (God, they have been a lifesaver lately.) Talk about 100% concentrated lame-juice.

“In Savannah, the survivors find it overrun with walkers. Upon finding a boat, they make plans to secure supplies from the Crawford community, only to learn that it has been overrun with walkers. Clementine is kidnapped by a mysterious man, and Lee gets bitten by a walker, leaving him little time to save her.”

Well, there you go. That about sums everything up. Now, please enjoy some photos accompanied with my smartassery from the episode.

And sure, a bunch of other people died during this episode, Kenny almost killed Ben himself, and Ben proved to everyone he’s a dumbass. But with all of that said, I can’t believe I’m about to FINALLY play the last episode! I’m nervous, anxious, worried…I’m 99% sure Lee is going to eat shit (unless Telltale pulls one of those “OHAI HE’S ACTUALLY IMMUNE!” shindigs) and, well, I don’t know who else is going to die, but I hope I see Lilly’s stupid murdering-face again so I can punch it.

NERVOUSNESS, I HAZ IT.

December 31st, 2012: STUMPY

LEE IS DEAD, KENNY IS DEAD (well, maybe) AND BEN IS DEAD! WHAT THE HEEEELL. My feels; they hurt. And yeah, I’m jumping way ahead of myself but I feel like I was just told the juiciest gossip EVER and you guys are the first people I can spill my guts to.

Okay, I know for sure Lee and Ben bit the shit so hard. I watched Lee slowly morph into a zombie in front of my eyes, watched Christa chop his arm off and watched as poor lil’ Clementine handcuffed him to a…thing. I saw him die. He’s dead. And, Ben, well — let’s just say the STAKE IMPALING HIS GUT would be enough to kill him, but as if that weren’t enough a million walkers were shambling all around him. Kenny, on the other hand, I give a 50% chance of survival. We never actually saw him die,  and I feel like he’s just one of those characters Telltale has something up their sleeve with. Um um um um um EEEEEEE SO MUCH GOODNESS.

Well, besides the below photos.

Have I ever mentioned that I have a fear of heights? Well, I do, and Telltale certainly fucked with me this episode.

Okay, focus, Britt, focus –see, this is why I usually give myself a day or two to digest all of the happenings so I can write these logs with a clear head. BUT LEE IS DEAD AND BEN IS DEAD AND I CAN’T GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IIIIIT.

So, turns out the “stranger” keeping Clem hostage was the owner of that Volkswagen we stole items out of way back when, and that sweatshirt Clem is wearing used to belong to the stranger’s dead son. In a nutshell, the stranger had been listening via Clem’s walkie this entire time. He blamed Lee for his failed marriage, which includes his dead wife and his dead daughter. Not that he was, like, married to his daughter but his daughter was dead and so was his wife because Lee took the supplies and Stranger’s wife was all “YO’ ASS AINT A MAN ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF US SO WE BE LEAVING!” And then they died. Which was Lee’s fault. Yeah. (This shit belongs on Jerry Springer.)

Clem was being “held” in a room behind us, but she became a ninja-like badass, snuck out, grabbed a cleaver and stuck Mr. Stranger Danger. Lee and Mr. Stranger Danger ended up in an, erm, physical alteration before Clem shot Mr. Stranger Danger in the eyeball. ATTA GIRL!!!

After all of that went down, Lee opened the door that lead into the hallway only to be greeted by a zombie. However, this zombie did not want Lee’s nuts. It wanted Clem’s, because it mistook Lee for a zombie since he was currently covered in zombie gore. After disposing of said nut-wanting zombie, Lee covered poor Clem in zombie chunk-n-bits and lead her outside. Well, that was all fine and dandy until Clem saw her dead, zombified parents and Lee passed out.

Lee awoke to find himself locked in a room with Clementine. He felt himself changing over to zombification and urged Clem to find a way out. He tried helping, but he was like, not helpful at all because at this point homeboy was 98.4% zombie.

Even MORE shit went down after an exit was located (Clem had to grab the keys and gun of a guard-zombie, and then “dispose” of said guard-zombie, which almost resulted in her being zombie-noms) but it all ended just dandy-like, as Clem was able to bash guard-zombie’s head in. But then again, Lee was still on the brink of dying WAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Ugh.

Lee gave Clem a nice speech, told her not to shoot him, told her to keep her hair short, that was she was smart and strong, yadda yaadda yadda. The most important piece of information he gave her was to find Christa and Omid (or so I thought!). But alas, Lee slowly passed away in front of our eyeballs as Clem snuck outside.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was it. JDKF JDKSREIOOFJDKLFJDKLSKLDFJKL.

Lilly, you whore. I will someday punch your ugly face.

Well, shit. I’m sad The Walking Dead is over! But DAMN it was so good, and it absolutely deserves all of the awards its received as of late. I can’t wait to see what Telltale has in store for Season Two. I really hope Clementine is still in the picture (a safe bet) and it would also be REALLY cool if we are able to see or play as an adult Clem.

HURRY UP, TELLTALE!!! <33333333333