June 3rd, 2012: We Meet Again.

I started this THING called The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past a few weeks ago, but I haven’t made the log yet SO I figure as I sit here, chillin’ in my Los Angeles hotel waiting for the pre-Nintendo E3 conference to stream I might as well bite the bullet and git-r-done! I used to play LttP ALL the time when I was younger – like seven or eight — but I never finished it. I think I got too caught up in the in-game-larping aspect. But I remember having SO much fun and hell, I hate that I can’t say I never completed one of the most renowned videogames of all time, so I figured it was time to start it back up again even if it is 17 years later!

I’ve made good progress so far – or at least I think I have…I feel like this game plays at a pretty fast pace so I don’t know if I’m just rushing through it, or if I’m missing stuff to do, or what. I just collected the third pendant and nabbed The Master Sword, and I feel like I haven’t spent more than a few hours playing!

Other than that, there isn’t much to say, other than that I’m excited to finally buckle and down and finish this awesomeness. The story is very simple and straightforward therefore I can’t elaborate on that aspect (unlike Mass Effect 3! HNNGGGHHH) so, I mean, I could tell you all about my Cucco slaughtering and whatnot, but who wants to hear about that? ;)

…Yeah, I know you do, you evil bastard.

June 10th, 2012:  A Helmasaur, a Rubber Hammer and a Maiden.

The first item on my agenda was to defeat Agahnim. But let’s stop right there. How the HELL does one pronounce that name? Agahnim? Aga-nim? Agahhhh-nim? Seriously, I’m sitting here trying to think of all of the ways to pronounce that weird ass name and I’m starting to embarrass myself. I think I’m going to assume the H is silent, which it probably is, but it’s throwing me off.  Anyway, moving on — I finally caught up with that bastard (I will forever hate him for killing the nice man who was protecting Zelda in the Sanctuary) and when I did, he, like, made Zelda disappear into abyss.

After making Zelda go “POOF!” he said it was only a matter of time before evil envelops this land, and once they have the Power of Gold shit would be cray. He then fled. And my fled I mean he floated into the room behind him via curtains. I followed, kicked his ass and he took me into the Dark World with him. Pussy.

Sahasrahla (yet another WTF name) somehow managed to get inside my brain. Once he was within my my brainial folds, he telepathically told me Agahnim had sealed away the seven maidens — descendants of the seven wise men — and because they have been sealed and tucked away into their own respective dungeons (how cute) the seal holding back the Dark World has been released. RUT ROH! He somehow managed to mark the locations of aforementioned maidens on my map. The first one took me to the Dark Palace.

Even though I haven’t played this game in 17 years, I’m amazed with how much of it I remember! Hell, I even remembered Kiki the monkey — the greedy little bastard who made me pay 100 rupees just to get inside the temple.

Yes, this is from the Official Strategy Guide.

Speaking of rupees, I thought it was odd that I had been able to accumulate 999 of those bad boys. I was thinking, WTF? What am I supposed to do with all of these? But I dismissed the thought and moved on. Inside the Dark Palace Zelda pretty much told me to hurry the FUCK up, and I also found the Magic Hammer. But, uh, the Magic Hammer was kinda pansy-like. It looked like Link was wielding one of those toy rubber hammers you give little spawnlets.

Eventually, I made it to the boss, whose name was Helmasaur (TOTALLY sounds like the evolution of Venusaur) and I say was because I was somehow able to defeat it by using  my rubber Magical Hammer to bust off his mask, which ultimately lead to the death of poor Helmasaur.

No, I wasn’t running…

Afterwards a cute lil’ crystal holding a cute lil’ maiden appeared. She told me that Ganon is a thing and that he intends on building up all of his strength in the Dark World in order to wreak havoc on the Light World. Thankfully, it appears as if he hasn’t figured out a way into the Light World…yet. Miss Maiden was convinced that the combined strength of all of the other maidens would be enough to destroy the barrier surrounding Ganon’s hiding place.

Read: We’re going to destroy the barrier, but you’re going to have to trot on in there yourself and battle an epic enemey who, in all rights, should be able to squish you like a bug.

Sweet. Thanks maiden.

 June 13th, 2012: Mini Questation

After defeating Helmasaur I tried to be all gung-ho and immediately tackle the second temple — The Swamp Palace. However I was quickly cockblocked as I didn’t have these soooorta important things called Zora’s Flippers. ::headdesk:: Now, because I played WAY back when I knew I’d get these eventually, but I didn’t know I needed them, like, already. In fact, it turned out I was missing a LOT of stuff.

Backtrack; I did.

Zora’s Flippers: GET!
Bombos: GET!
Flute: GET!
Ice Rod: GET!
Bigger bomb bag/quiver: GET! (Also, THIS is why I needed all of those damn rupees…)
Red Shield: GET! Magic Boomerang: GET!

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta’.

After adding all of the above awesomeness to my arsenal, I, once again, attempted to tackle the Swamp Palace. And seeing as I was now able to, you know, swim and stuff tackling it was a rather simple task. I even acquired the best item of all time. Er, I mean the item with the best description of all time.

MUAHAHAHAHA. Okay, if you didn’t at least smirk while reading that description you don’t have a soul. Or maybe I’m the one missing a soul. Whatever.

The boss, Arrghus (aka an eyeball with a bunch of floating protective gooballs) was insanely easy to defeat and I was rewarded with the release of another maiden. She told me the same ol’ same ol’ — Ganon is bad news bears, I need to free all of dem maidens, yadda yadda yadda. Seriously. These chicks need to become more interesting.

What’s next? The Thieves’ Hideout. It’s a little out of order, but the oh-so-trustworthy internets tell me the Thieves’ Hideout is a good one to get out of the way because I can get a thing that helps me save the Blacksmith’s buddy — who is now a frog in the Dark World — which will pimp out my Master Sword.

God, I love how twisted and convuluted this game is.

June 18th, 2012: I need to save Zelda? ORLY.

I tackled the Thieves’ Hideout with ease, but I gotta say it was a weird dungeon. Even the boss, Blind the Thief, was a weirdo. He, like, turned himself into a little girl and pretended to be one of the maidens and ONLY revealed himself to be a strange ass flying-ogre thing after I lead him into a sealed room with a patch of sunlight. Okay, dude, I don’t know what sick and twisted fetishes you’re into but keep them to yourself. Damn.

After hitting dude’s head with a blunt weapon enough he, um, blew up and died (they always blow up!) and per the norm a maiden appeared.

“As the wise men sealed the way to the Dark World, the Knights of Hyrule defended them from the attacks of evil monsters. I heard that the Knights of Hyrule were nearly wiped out in that battle. You are perhaps the last one to carry on the blood-line of the Knights. It is Ironic that the last one in the line has the potential to become the Hero of Legend. Surely you can destroy Ganon!”

Of COURSE it’s ironic you dumb bitch. That’s the point of being the hero. Something is ALWAYS ironic. “Hmm, it’s ironic that a young boy who was content living his life as a normal child would turn out being the chosen hero who is burdened with the duty to save the planet…no, THE UNIVERSE!!!!”


Before tackling Skull Woods there were two sidequests I wanted to complete. The main reason I completed Thieves’ Hideout before the suggested Skull Woods was because I wanted to upgrade that pathetic excuse of a metal/steel/aluminum tinfoil/whatever thing Link called a sword. Now, in the Light World Homeboy A was missing his blacksmith-partner-in-crime and therefore he couldn’t upgrade my sword. Thus I embarked on an epic quest to find Homeboy B. I eventually found Homeboy B as a, erm, frog in the Dark World surrounded by skull rocks.

YEAH! Not only does it look more badass, it makes a badasser sound when Link swings it. <3.

I then found a random treasure chest in the Blacksmiths’ shop. What does one do with a random treasure chest? Well, my friend, one brings it to a weird looking dude with a SICK head of hair sitting by a sign. This guy told me he used to be a thief and he would open the chest for me BUT ONLY if I promised not to tell anyone about his past!!!11

Riiiiiiight. In any case, inside was a “Magical Bottle”! But I don’t understand what’s so magical about it. It holds things. Doesn’t every bottle do that?

Next was Skull Woods, and I vividly remember this dungeon from way back when because I would always get lost due to the multiple entrances. But thankfully I have this thing called a GUIDE in which I like to utilize when my patience runs thin due to this thing called being EPICALLY LOST.

Other than getting lost, though, Skull Woods AND its respective moth boss weren’t much of a challenge so I was in and out of there faster than…well, I’ll leave that up to your imagination. Afterwards – you guessed it – another maiden appeared and spoke to me through her crystal. Kinda weird – it’s kinda like if a baby was born in its…okay. I’m SO not going there.

Anyway, this is what she had to say:

“Do you know the prophecy of The Great Cataclysm? This is the way I heard it…if a person who has an evil heart gets the Triforce, a Hero is destined to appear…and he alone must face the person who began the great Cataclysm. If the evil one destroys the Hero, nothing can save the world from his wicked reign. Only a person of the Knights of Hyrule, who protected the royalty of Hylia, can become the Hero. You are of their blood-line, aren’t you? Then you must rescue Zelda without fail.”

…“Then you must rescue Zelda without fail.”


June 25th, 2012: ICE SUCKS.

First of all, fuck the Ice Palace AND FUCK THIS ROOM BELOW:

I hate this place so hard and with so much fiery passion that it’s not even funny. ::takes a deep breath:: But alas I was able to muster through the slippery clusterfuck and make it to the boss, Kholdstare. But first check out Link’s new digs.

Lookin good in your Blue Mail, brah, but you only wish you could rock clothing items like I do:


So, yeah, I made it to the boss, and clearly the first step of action was to melt the ice block encompassing him. Unfortunately, I, uh, was standing too far away when I was attempting to thaw him with my Fire Rod and its effects were inert. This sucked super hard because I didn’t have any more of this thing called MAGIC and therefore I was unable to use my Fire Rod, and therefore I was unable to thaw aforementioned Ice Beast. The only way to leave the boss fight was to utilize the Mirror of the Magic variety, so I Magic Mirror’d myself and probably went overboard with the amount of green potion I purchased but heeeey THIS CHICK WAS GOING TO BE READY NEXT TIME KHOLDSTARE AND I MET.

Oh, I also found the Magic Cape in the cemetery.

Kholdstare and I met soon afterwards and I nuked his ass so hard. YEAH. That’s what happens when you MESS WITH MAGIC BIATCH! And, per the norm, a maiden appeared and spewed her bullshit all over Link’s face.

“They say the Hylia people controlled mysterious powers, as did the seven wise men. But the blood of the Hylia has become thin over time. We who carry the blood of the seven wise men do not possess strong power any more, either. Our powers will increase if we mix the courage of the Knights with the wisdom of the wise men. Only a short time remains until the gate at the castle linking the worlds opens completely. If you defeat Ganon, this world will vanish and the Triforce will wait for a new holder. I believe in you…Good luck!”

“Our powers will increase if we mix the courage of the Knights with the wisdom of the wise men.”

Was Link just propositioned for the act of sexual intercourse?

July 11th, 2012: An Eyeball on a Lilly Pad.

After burning Kholdstare’s retinas, it was time to take on the Misery Mire. I didn’t blog about this, but I attempted Misery Mire RIGHT after the Ice Palace and to say it kicked my ass would be an understatement. Not because the Misery Mire was “hard” or anything like that – I think my brain had simply been fried from tackling the stupid effin’ Ice Palace just before. I may uh, have gotten a little frustrated and rage quit.

So needless to say I wasn’t quite looking forward to attempting the 6th dungeon again. In my mind it was nothing more but sprawling floors and confusing puzzles.

But COMPLETELY to my surprise I completed Misery Mire in about 15 minutes. It’s amazing what a few days off will do to your brain, isn’t it?!

Also, I fought eyeballs on a lilly pad. I can scratch that one off of my bucket list.

…SURPRISE! A maiden appeared! I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to notice a pattern.

Wait, what?

“Ganon captured us because he couldn’t break the seal of the wise men with his power alone. And then, using the wizard Agahnim as his pawn, he drew us to the Dark World. After cracking the seal with our powers, he sealed us inside these crystals. He then gave us to his loyal monsters. But Ganon didn’t plan on your getting this far. Now, Princess Zelda is waiting for you inside of Turtle Rock. Please hurry!”


But FIRST I needed to purchase the Super Bomb and blow up some crack on the Pyramid of Power. I was sorta-kinda expecting a hot bitch inside, but, um, I found a fat fairy instead.

SURE. BLAME GANNON. There’s no way it could have been those donuts. No siree. But, uh, jokes aside this voluptuous fairy hooked me up with the Silver Arrows as well as the Golden Sword!

I also walked along a bunch of spikes for the Cane of Byrna and hooked myself up with the Quake Medallion.

I’ll say it again – how the HELL anyone would know how or where to find this shit without the slight assistance of a guide is beyond me. I mean, I USED to know how to find this stuff when I was younger, but that was back in the day when I could afford to spend hours aimlessly walking around. Maybe that’s the secret.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have a full inventory and one more dungeon to conquer.


July 20th, 2012: I DID IT! Keeeeeeeee~

::Cue item get jingle:: A LINK TO THE PAST: I DEFEATED IT!

And because it is Friday and I want to GTFO as soon as I can, prepare for an onslaught of photos depicting my win and such.

I delved deep into a turtle so that I may rescue Zelda. WTF?
These creatures from within reminded me of Chain Chomps from Mario!!! They hurt like a bitch too.
This was so Link could check out his reflection whenever he wanted. Also so he could avoid those stupid laser-spitting eyeball wall decoration things.
Fact: I used to have a box turtle. His name was Boxy.

Motherfuckin’ Princess Zelda herself then pooped out of a crystal, or she was pooped out of the turtle in the form of a crystal (bet that was hard to pass) and bestowed her eternal wisdom upon me:

“I appreciate you coming so far to rescue me. As I thought, you are the legendary hero. I have felt this from the first time we met. Gaon is waiting inside of his tower to pass through the gate linking the two worlds. Once Ganon enters the Light World,it is unlikely that anyone can stop him. But if he stays in the closed space of this world, you can find him wherever he runs. Now, go to the Tower of Ganon! We will use our combined powers to break the barrier. Let’s return peace to the country without fail… May the way of the Hero lead to the Triforce.”

Ooooh…pretty….also, this made me want to play Ocarina of Time. Can you friggen’ believe that was the next console installment of this series?! Like, to go from THIS to Ocarina of Time. …hem.
I like the plush, red carpet Ganon. Impeccable taste.
NOT THIS MOTHERFUCKER AGAIN! Aganim…Aga-himn? Agahnim?
I distinctly remember playing A Link to the Past way back in the day and seeing the hole in the pyramid where Ganon resided. Apparently I never went in it. Why was I so weird? I’m glad I’m not weird anymore.

Ganon then bestowed HIS infinite wisdom upon me:

(NOTE: For best results, read the below paragraph as would a pig:)

“I never imagined a boy like you could give me so much trouble. It’s unbelievable that you defeated my alter ego, Agahnim the Dark Wizard, twice! But I willn ever give you the Triforce. I will destroy you and make my wish to conquer both Light and Dark Worlds come true without delay.”

You know when Ganon, like, causes the sides of the room to disappear? You know how if you fall down them you have to start the fight over again? SO. FRUSTRATING. I may or may not have done that once. Or twice.
Go into the light….also, Ganon isn’t there. You know why? BECAUSE I BUTCHERED THAT PIG-NOSED MOTHERFUCKER.

In all of it’s golden beauty, the Triforce…well, it uh talked to me.

“Welcome, Link…I am the Essence of the Triforce. The Triforce will grant the wishes in the heart and mind of the person who touches it. If a person with a good heart touches it, it will make this good wishes come true… If an evil-hearted person touches it, it grants his evil wishes. The stronger the wish, the more powerful the Triforce’s expression of that wish. Ganon’s wish was to conquer the world. That wish changed the Golden Land to the Dark World. Ganon was building up his power here so he could conquer the Light World and make his wish come completely true. But now, you have totally destroyed Ganon. His Dark World will vanish. The Triforce is waiting for a new owner. Its Golden Power is in your hands… Now, touch it with a wish in your heart.”

Cue the adorable ending scenes:

I DID IT! After, what, 17 years of owning this amazeballs SNES vidja-game I finally completed it. GO ME!

Here’s my updated Zelda console ranking list thing-a-ma-bob:

1) Ocarina of Time

2) Twilight Princess

3) Link to the Past

4) Wind Waker

5) Skyward Sword

6) Majora’s Mask


  1. like i said in my comment on wind waker, theres always one piece of heart i cant find!arghhh.good ranking on zelda consoles. i just pick link to the past probably cause i grew up playing it!

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