September 13th, 2011: Ohai, Sexy Lady!

Hmmm. What do I know about Bayonetta? I know that she can kick serious ass, has pistols in her shoes (or something like that) wears a suit made out of…hair? Is that right? I could have sworn I read somewhere that she somehow gets nekkid and her hair is her weapon? What the fuck am I typing?

Right. If you can’t tell by now, I know close to nothing about Bayonetta except the aforementioned tidbits, that the game was developed by Platinum and it was originally a clusterfuck on PS3. Also, I remember this game pissed a lot of women off. ::eyeroll::

I’m playing Bayonetta because 1) I know nothing about it, and that always piques my interest 2) I’ve been watching a friend play Ninja Gaiden and I want to get in on the kick-ass actiony goodness 3) I own a Bayonetta replica and feel I should at least know what the eff it’s supposed to be and 4) I’ve um taken a picture with a Bayonetta cosplayer?

…does this count?

September 15th, 2011: Guns. Ass. Boobs. YES.

Late last night I popped the Bayonetta disc into the PS3, sat back, and….installed a firmware update that took fifteen minutes.

But once things got rollin’ I had to endure the longest introduction in my life, during which I had no idea WTF was going on. I’m still trying to make sense of what I saw. It sounds like there are two “factions”, the dark witches and the light witches (or SOMETHING) called the Umbra and the Lumen. Which is which? I’m going to assume the Lumen are the light witches because it sounds like “illuminate” and Umbra are the dark witches because the word just sounds kind of emo. Like umbrella. And people use umbrellas when it’s dark and rainy outside. So, there’s that.

Oh, you’re wondering why I can’t recall what was taught to me in the intro, it’s BECAUSE I HAD TO FIGHT DURING THE STUPID THING. So dumb. I love the story of a game, so I want to pay extra attention to the dialogue, especially during the opening cinematics. But it’s sorta kinda hard to do that when the intro requires me to listen AND fight crazy light witch people while falling from a platform into an unknown abyss at the same time. (Seriously, I was getting beat to shit because I was listening to the intro and unaware that I was supposed to be fighting.)

So next thing I know Bayonetta is dressed up in an innocent looking nun-esque outfit reading a prayer of some kind over a grave. A little fat guy with a cigar, Enzo I believe, is next to her, repeatedly saying that this “guy” she was praying for (or whatever it was she was doing) will not be saved, he was a terrible person, he deserved it, blahblahblah. Oh, and he wanted to get home so his “cute fuckers” of children could give him his birthday dinner. Or something.

Now c’mon, this isn’t the face of a crazy dominatrix witch slaughtering woman!
His voice makes me laugh.

These light witches appeared and Enzo is all “WTFBBQ they came for him?” and Bayonetta began floating up towards the angels. I thought she was going to, you know, join in song and dance or something when all of a sudden she fucking went apeshit and slaughtered them.

THEN, the dude from the coffin, Rodin, popped out, said ohai, gave Bayonetta guns and she blew things up—OOOOOOOH. Oh. Okay. She must have been working with Rodin to lure the witches there. That makes the most sense. Anyway, Enzo was later captured by some bird creature aaaaand then I got stuck. And by got stuck, I mean I got stuck! I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to get to Enzo or where the hell I was supposed to go, so off the game went.

“OHai,” he said.
And that, ladies and gentleman, was my first experience with Bayonetta.

As for Bayonetta herself, she’s such an over-the-top character and she totally has that sexy librarian look to her. I dig it. I also love that she was given an out-of-this-world figure; she’s obviously not supposed to be the typical “girl-next-door”, so why would they design her to look like anything else? For Pete’s sake, this chick does a handstand, spreads her legs and shoots pistols out of her feet.

So as of right now, I don’t have an issue with Bayonetta. BRITT APPROVES. What Britt doesn’t approve of, however, are the effin’ loading screens. THEY SUCK. It’s like I push select and…wait for it…just a little longer…THERE’S the item screen! But that’s it. So far nothing has turned me off of Bayonetta. Then again, I’m only what, 20 minutes in?

September 24th, 2011: Me Likey.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about this game makes me want to keep coming back for more. Perhaps it’s the quirky character of Bayonetta, the outrageous ass shots (a great possibility), the crackhead-esque button mashing or maybe a combination of all three, but holy hell I’m having so much fun!

…That being said, I’ve only finished the prologue. Bahaha. What can I say, I’m easy to please!

In the last entry I noted I had some difficulty finding out where the hell I was supposed to go in order to find Enzo. Well, funny story; there was a big gaping hole in the fence. Actually–and I shouldn’t admit this to you—the gaping hole is visible in the last picture I posted. HAHAHAHA ::headdesk::

During the prologue pieces of Bayonetta’s back story were revealed, and because they were so vague it’s easier to use bullet points sooo that’s what I’m going to do. Go ahead, call me a lazy bastard. (Also I didn’t write any notes down; this is all from memory. There may or may not be errors below. So sue me. ;D)

  • Bayonetta apparently woke up on the bottom of an ocean—in a coffin specifically and all she can remember is that she is a witch.
  • Enzo (the little fat fuck) is retrieving information for her. But as to what kind of information I’m not so sure. The last thing I remember was Enzo relaying a jewel of sorts had the black market in a frenzy because it was worth an ass-ton. Speaking of Enzo, I remember he said something LIKE Bayonetta kills the divine for a living, or in order to stay alive, or something. Yeeaaaah.
  • While Enzo and Bayonetta were in a car, an airplane crashed and another woman showed up (I don’t remember her name). She and Bayonetta had a stand off of sorts when those white witch/angel-y folks appeared and they pwn’d them. Afterwards it looked like they had business to settle, but the other chick fled. Was she the chick from the intro, perhaps?
  • There were also several flashbacks to Bayonetta as a statue (at least she sure looked like one). There were also flashbacks of that other aforementioned woman in the same statue-y pose.
  • And finally—and this is the most important thing that occurred while playing last night—I was practicing my combos during the loading screen (nice feature, by the way) when BLAMMO Bayonetta’s clothes went away! Like, vanished. She was nekkid (kind of) and I screamed “HOLY BALLS!” …that was a cool story, right bro?

So I pretty much have no idea whatsoever what’s going on. Several of you have told me that even AFTER finishing Bayonetta you still didn’t know what you had done or what the point of the game had been, so that’s super-uber reassuring!


October 5th, 2011: My Gamer Ego is Bruised Again

It had been a good while since I’d played Bayonetta, and I missed that crazy witch. (Seriously, I don’t know how anyone can NOT like her! She’s so charming in her own sexy, twisted way. I would bear her children if it were possible.) However, I soon found out that I had forgotten most of the combos, and even though I had that loading screen to remind me it wasn’t enough. So when I started getting my ass handed to me in the middle of Chapter Two I naturally blamed my airheadedness.

This shouldn’t be that hard to remember.

But then the combos came back to me, and yet I was still getting my butt beat. BAD. Like, Platinum Games came over and said, “Here Britt, take this silver platter with your ass on it.” And it wasn’t like I was being challenged in a good way. I was being challenged in a holy-hell-are-you-seriously-expecting-me-to-get-through-this kind of way. It was bordering controller throwage.

After several more failed attempts I reluctantly took the difficulty down a notch to Easy. This stung for two reasons: 1) I just watched my friend Jayson defeat Ninja Gaiden 2 on the hardest difficulty, and since we sorta-kinda have this competitive thing going on, I felt like I should be able to at least handle Bayonetta’s Normal. HOWEVER, I need to keep reminding myself that I’m not an freak of nature like he is, and that this is honestly the first action/adventure combo-reliant game I’ve really ever sat down with. 2) WHO WANTS TO PLAY A GAME ON EASY DIFFICULTY? The only way one gets better is to challenge oneself, amirite? 3) My ego. OH GOD, MY EGO. (LEGGO MY EGGO!)

After I finished being butthurt, I started over Chapter Two on Easy. I figured that, hey, the challenge would be lessened a bit, but not by a substantial amount.

Well, shit.

Guys, the game is now too freakin’ easy! I don’t need to worry about dodging OR remembering combos anymore. All I need to do is button mash and the battles are practically over before they even started—which is not what I was looking for. I still want a taste of the challenge from Normal difficulty, but I want to um…WIN from time to time. So needless to say, I feel as if there isn’t a happy medium between Easy and Normal mode.

But now I must ask myself this: what mode do I continue to play in?

I struggled with this for a minute until I remembered Batman: Arkham City releases in two weeks. Now, you may find yourself wondering what the heck that has to do with anything. My friends—let me tell you—it has everything to do with everything. You see, if I were to continue playing Bayonetta on Normal difficulty, one of two things would happen: 1) I’d become so frustrated from dying all of the time I’d give up and never play it again, and if I have an unfinished game it’s EXTREMELY hard for me to start up a new one. 2) If I were to remain persistent and pursue Bayonetta, my guess is that it would take me roughly 27.632 years to complete it. By that time, I’ll be 50-years-old and too depressed to gaze upon Bayonetta’s unrealistically sexy body, which might lead me to receive plastic surgery and leg extensions.

I don’t know what she’s wearing or why, but you get what I’m sayin’.

Neither of those outcomes are bueno, and because I want nothing more at this point than to experience (read: finish) Bayonetta so I can smoothly transition over to Arkham City when the time comes, I have decided to finish the game in Easy mode. Which is what it is. I actually asked folks on Twitter if they had a rough time with the game, and it sounds like most did, and some never finished because it was so tough!

…But damn. If I’m not using guides for Portal 2, I’m lowering the difficulty in Bayonetta. Can I even call myself a gamer now?


October 9th, 2011: I still don’t know what’s going on.

Bayonetta…what the heck is going on in your story? All I know is that I’m still trying to figure out why you exist (or what your goal is) and, personally, I’d like to know how you shoot guns out of your feet.

Character updates:

Luka: He’s the son of the man who discovered Bayonetta’s coffin at the bottom of that lake 20 years ago. Bayonetta, upon being discovered, promptly killed that poor man. Luka, who was only a young boy at the time, witnessed what happened and screamed “FAAAAATHEEEEER!” (It gave me flashbacks to Steve Burnside in RE: Code Veronica.) Luka is pursuing Bayonetta for reasons unknown. Does he want revenge? Does he want something else from her? Does he want her body, baby? He made no mention of intent to harm her, but he did say that she couldn’t run/hide forever. He is adorable and stupid. I might end up wanting his babies.

Chick with white hair: In an confrontation, she told Bayonetta that she had forgotten her destiny. (Of course, said destiny wasn’t revealed because I think it’s sorta-kinda the point of the game to find out.) Bayonetta couldn’t remember jack shit, so she asked for a refresher course. A flashback ensued, during which white haired chick was awarded some spiffy new title and was given the option to fight someone of her choice (for whatever reason) and, of course, she chose Bayonetta—who happened to be in a nearby locked cell. The people around white haired chick were resistant at first, but Miss. Whitey said “Ohai we’ve fought before!” and we fought. I pwn’d her. Flashback ended. She and Bayonetta are Umbra witches. I think. Wtf.

I don’t exactly get the relationship between these two. Granted, not a heck of a lot has been told, however methinks they have some beef BUT they have the same ultimate goal. Or something. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Other than that, I am still enjoying Bayonetta. I love the craziness of it all. I love the ass shots, I love the seductive way she speaks, I love lamp.

Now that I’ve set the difficulty to easy I’m hoping to whiz through more of the story.

October 11th, 2011: I pwn’d Fortitudo.

…And it felt damn good! Seriously, I’ve been wondering when the hell I’d be able to stomp on that ugly two dragon headed face…thing. Yeah, what was he anyway? Was it even a he? Maybe I should call it an “it”. Either way, I ripped those dragon heads off and fuckin’ smashed its face in. <3.

Fortitudo did say a little somthin’-somethin’ gave a possible sneak peek into Bayonetta’s background. Before I stomped his ass, he said that there was a witch that had survived the annihilation, and that she challenged the angel’s dominion. Fortitudo also said that this witch must have been sad, for she ultimately would reunite with hell because she had made a pact with the darkness in order to have the powers of a witch, and that if Bayonetta was said witch he would gladly end her torment (aka kill her). So she shot him. God I love this woman.

An epic battle ensued. I will glady state, again, that I ripped his dragon heads off and fuckin’ smashed his face in. While he was withering away he was amazed at Bayonetta’s power, and hoped the creator Jubileus would grace her on her journey. Ho-kay.

OH. Somewhere along there Vigrid burned to the ground. Unfortunate.

I later ran into Luka again (<3). It sounds like he ultimately wants Bayonetta to fess up for what she’s done, and he even called her a “black stain” on his life. Wah wah wah. Let’s talk about the good stuff: Luka “baited” Bayonetta with lipstick, and when she picked it up he tried snapping photos of her. BUT THEN HE REALIZED HE HAD LIPSTICK DRAWN ALL OVER HIS FACE BECAUSE SHE DREW ON HIMMMMM.

…what? It was adorable. Have I also mentioned I’m in love with the way she calls him Chesire?

Towards the end of their encounter, while he was calling her a heartless witch, she tackled him, he grabbed her ass, and I think she saved him? Or something? Whatever. She ended up separating from him and killed a bunch of angels. Typical.

Finally, I ran into Jeanne again. She was speaking with an uber green angel-dude (maybe Jubileus?) and he asked her why they were meddling. When she spotted Bayonetta, she said that her assistance was not required. Now, according to Jeanne she and Bayonetta “once fought for the jewel upon the crown of the umbra throne.” Okay, cool story bro. So they decided right then and there–in front of uber green angel dude– to finish the fight. Once they were going at it, uber green angel-dude meddled himself and they were briefly interrupted. Ultimately, I pwn’d Jeanne. But she was a loser and said that it was a waste of her time, turned into a flying thing and flew away.

Bayonetta promptly turned into a…panther of sorts….and the chapter ended.

This game gets weirder and weirder, but I am having SO much fun with it, especially since I took the difficulty down a notch. I’m able to button mash, not die AND enjoy the story and the characters without sweating each battle. Consequently (or not, depending on how you look at it) I’m whizzing through the chapters faster than I anticipated, but whatever. Arkham City comes out next Tuesday, so it’s probably for the best!


October 13th, 2011: Another Curveball.

Yknow, for a millisecondI thought I had a pretty good idea where the story of Bayonetta was going. I thought Bayonetta would discover her past, her purpose, and be done with it. But now theres an effin child in the mix?! And its possibly hers?

I mean come on. Same red ribbon, same blue eyes, black hair...

Of couuuuurse.

So I saw this little kid running around last weekand thought she looked strikingly familiar to Bayonettabut I saw a lot more of her last night. The little girl, Cereza, was surrounded by four angles and Miss Bayonetta protected her by splitting her legs every which way and shooting the piss out of them. Now Im not sure if Bayonetta protected Cereza because she has a soul, or because that mysterious deep-voiced dude told her that the little girl was the key to her future. Anyway, ever since then Cereza has been calling Bayonetta mummy. Simply put, its fucking adorable. Other than that all I know is that her dad had told her to go wherever it was I found her. Later on, Bayonetta even told Luka (EEE!) to much protect Cereza or shed come back and pierce him with her shoes and forcibly have her way with him. She really didn’t say that. But she did threaten him.

I also fought this crazy big dude (I believe his name was Temperantia) which crazy big arms and a crazy big glowing core things that may or may not have reminded me of a womans sweet spot.

Yeah, I went there.

I dont know why I killed him or who he was in relevance to the story. I had Mexican food on my mind and wasnt paying much attention. Now I’m getting ready to start Chapter 7! Halfway there!

October 20th, 2011: Climax

Holy Vigrid on a stick, I finally finished Bayonetta on Monday! (I told you I’d finish it before Arkham City came out!)

And, yeah, wow. What a weird yet awfully intriguing story! I wasn’t 100% sure what was going on, or what exactly had happened at the end, besides the blatant fact I pwn’d Jubileus. (Actually, at first I pwn’d myself. For those that have beaten Bayonetta, remember when you need to “guide” Jubileus into the sun? I rammed her into the first planet I saw and she kiiiinda survived. Woops.)

So, instead of recapping ten plus chapters in one post, I’ll stick with good ol’ bullet points. Because A) I am lazy and B) I need to get my hands on Arkham City. Thank God for the Bayonetta Wikipedia page and its awesome ability to explain everything to me <3.

Balder: Bayonetta couldn’t become the Left Eye until she regained her memories of being who she used to be. Therefore, Balder, her father who purposefully impregnated Rosa—Bayonetta’s mother—had her do all of the things she did in order to regain her memory (including sticking Cereza in their time period). Balder’s ultimate goal was to exterminate the two clans (Umbra Witches/Lumen Sages) in order to revive Jubileus. He also started was a part of starting the Witch Hunts. To add to his cocksuckery, he was the one who ordered the death of Luka’s father.

Rosa: Rosa was knocked up by Balder when she was 25/26. She was imprisoned (whereas Balder was exiled from his clan) and was ultimately killed during the Witch Hunts.

Cereza: The “Little One” is Bayonetta as a child. I KNEW it! Although, the thought of Bayonetta as a mother was kind of entertaining…

Okay, and here is the part where I’m a little confused. I know Jeanne was the heir to the Umbram throne, and in order to “solidify” that or what not she needed to battle someone. She chose to fight Bayonetta, as they were friends. Bayonetta ultimately won, but what came of that fight I’m not sure. Did that mean that Bayonetta was heir to the throne, the Left Eye? Or was Bayonetta already born as the Left Eye? OR was it the fight with Jeanne that made Bayonetta the Left Eye? HMMM. Anyway, Jeanne ultimately sealed Bayonetta away in order to protect her and prevent the recreation of Jubileus. Jeanne finally came to her senses (and I’m assuming snapped out of Balder’s mind control) after Bayonetta pwn’d her and handed her the red jewel on that little watch thing she wore on her chest. I read somewhere that that jewel was the final thing that protected Bayonetta from realizing she was the Left Eye. She then apparently died. APPARENTLY.

Ummm, yeah.

So anyway, Balder was ultimately successful in awakening the Left Eye within Bayonetta. He stuck her in the left eye socket of Jubileus, and he crawled into the right. Ish started happening, but Jeanne rescued her by pulling her out. Jeanne apparently died again, but came back to help Bayonetta destroy the statue of Jubileus AFTER it crashed into the Sun. After all was said and done, they floated down to earth like happy little besties.

The last scene of the game is back at the cemetery, where it began. Jeanne is standing over Bayonetta’s casket, summoning the Angels to take Bayonetta’s soul (Enzo and Rodin are there as well). As soon as the angels begin to descend, Bayonetta busts out of her coffin and she and Jeanne shoot angels and, I’m assuming, live happily ever after.

And that was Bayonetta!


And now that I finished my lovely ten-hour romp with Bayonetta, it is time to reflect. ::cue rocking chair::

Before I started Bayonetta, the following was all I knew about the action game:

I know that she can kick serious ass, has pistols in her shoes (or something like that) wears a suit made out of…hair? Is that right? I could have sworn I read somewhere that she somehow gets nekkid and her hair is her weapon? What the fuck am I typing? Taken from my first Bayonetta log

HAHA. Of course thats all I knew. Of coooouuurse. #pervert

Bayonetta really surprised me. I ended up practically falling in love with the Bayonetta (the character) for her sassy attitude and insane sex appeal. I mean come on, have you seen her ass?! ;D But for serious, she easily makes my favorite characters EVAR list. Shes a strong, sexy female character that has a brain to boot. From what I understand, though, the issue people had with Bayonetta wasnt necessarily the character herself, but how she was over-sexualizedand from the tantalizing camera angles, her nekkid climax moves, not to mention the way she simply walks, I can see where people might be a little peeved.

But holy hell, folks! This game is clearly supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. Lets look at a few components of the game.

1) For starters, upbeat, pop-esque music (that one might expect to hear during an anime intro) is played during Bayonettas first battle with the angels and is used again throughout the game. Im pretty sure if Platinum was trying to set a serious tone they would have went with a mellower and darker music choice.

2) When Bayonetta is injured, a flock of colorful butterflies emits from her body instead of, you know, blood.

3) She has unrealistic proportions and walks in a way that makes me think of Shakiras Hips Don’t Lie every time.

4) She wears sexy Librarian glasses and is always spotted toying around with a suckerin her mouth.

Those are just a few examples, but Im sure yall get my drift. So, taking those aforementioned points into consideration, I cant see why anyone should be shocked when camera angles focus between her legs, above her ass, on her chest OR when she climaxes and looses all clothing minus swirling bits of head hair that cover her naughty bits.

::points to self:: Team Bayonetta.

Other than loving the character, Im loving that I embraced by pansiness and changed the difficulty level to easy. It needed to happen. I didnt die by enemies for the rest of the entirety of the game, but I DID die because of bad camera angles and missed button prompts. Le sigh.

Bayonetta 2 has been confirmed (although to the best of my knowledge information regarding it hasnt been released) aaaand Im definitely interested in a sequel! Where will they take the story? Seeing as I barely understood this one as it is, I can only make vague guesses. Perhaps itll involve Bayonetta as the Left Eye and someone will try to revive some other crazy God. There could also be co-op with Jeanne!


1 Comment

  1. Yes indeed it’s a rare gem of a game. The fact that she is over sexualised is a piss take back at the industry at large on how they portray women in games. I loved her sense of humour and the fact she was voice by an amazing British actress Helena Taylor. Also to let you know her concept and design where done by a woman who worked for Platinum Games who in my view has set the bar at a very high level on what a female protagonist should be in a game.

    I’ve put about 67+ hours into the game have not lost any love for it and have found myself replaying bits over and over again to try to get the highest rating on each section. The game was also the one that got me to get a 360.

    She is quiet frankly the sort of personality I admire in a woman head strong and bloody hot as well and it was her personality that made me fall in love with her most of all a lot could be learned from this game about how to make a woman’s character realistic.

    And yeah the story makes no sense but hell who cares she knows how to kick the crap out of heaven’s little helpers as Rodin called them at one point.

    We need more female leads like this.

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