Resident Evil 6

October 9th, 2012: Sorry, Mr. President…

Okay, so I know Resident Evil 6 has gotten some hate (for serious, the scores are ranging from the 2’s to the 9’s) — but I gotta say, even though I’m only through Leon’s first chapter I am REALLY enjoying it! Granted, I’m playing local co-op with my prior RE5 buddy which always makes things vastly more entertaining (it took us 15 minutes to walk out of the first room because we were having way too much fun causing our characters to seize by rapidly pressing the “bring up GPS” button).

But let’s remind ourselves about my post-RE5 thoughts (which I only finished this February):

• Jill looks good as a blonde, but she really needs to get a spray tan or something. She looks like that girl on the cover of Parasite Eve. (I really need to play that game.) Also, she and Chris are totally boinking.
• Wesker is SO not dead. I don’t care if he was while shot in the face by two rocket launchers while drowning in a pool of lava. He’s still not dead. That red-eyed bastard never dies.
• I liked Sheva, but I would like to see her thrown in more situations and see her develop as a character. Like onions, man–peel those layers back. What I’m saying is that she should be in Resident Evil 6.
• I need to find all of the documents available in RE5 and nerd out over them. I noticed a lot of them have information dating back to the creation of the T and G viruses and that makes me very giddy. There’s probably some juicy stuff in there.
• My co-op partner and I had WAY too much fun with the voice commands. Capcom could probably make a game based off of those alone. “COME ON!”
• WHY can’t we ever be rewarded with an epic prologue for Resident Evil titles? I swear. “OHAI! You’ve spent many ‘a hour playing our game, getting frustrated, etc., so here’s a 30 second ending cut scene! CONGRATS!”
• Chris Redfield is on steroids.

And now I’m currently on a bus on my way to said Cathedral, where people are supposedly holing up. That is NEVER a good sign. I mean, if there’s anything I’ve learned from zombie lore it’s that any supposed “safehouse” turns out to be nothing more than a slaughterhouse full of human body parts and such. Not good.

In any case, I think as long as you don’t set your expectations super-duper high for these later-gen Resident Evil games you’re going to have a great time with them. (Which might be a terrible thing to say, but it’s the truth.) I will say the auto-running is wonky and I don’t like the new skill points shindig, but hey. I’m also a little bummed the voice commands aren’t a thing that is happening, but at least you can bitch to your partner while waiting for them to help open a door. <3.

October 22nd, 2012: Poor, poor Deborah…

“…And now I’m currently on a bus on my way to said Cathedral, where people are supposedly holing up. That is NEVER a good sign. I mean, if there’s anything I’ve learned from zombie lore it’s that any supposed “safehouse” turns out to be nothing more than a slaughterhouse full of human body parts and such. Not good.”

CALLED IT. So. Freakin. Called. IT. ::does a happy dance::

After trekking through the cemetery and destroying a never-ending slew of undead things wielding shovels and such my partner and I finally made it to the Cathedral. However I must point out that it took probably an hour or so to complete this rather easy task for we discovered FUCKING VOICE COMMANDS, BABY. (Okay, I had to Google it, but STILL.)

YES. Oh my God. They’re back. Thank you Capcom. The one thing I desired from this game was voice commands and you did NOT let down — I seriously cannot get enough of Leon’s thumb-upping “I’m glad you’re here!” spiel. It’s so cheesy, it’s amazing. Not to mention it never gets old to run circles around your partner as she’s meleeing a shovel-wielding zombie while giving the “NICE!” “NICE!” “NICE!” prompt.

So, yeah, we made it to the cathedral (after having to fend off a kajillion zombie things. Seriously, what are these things? I’m assuming victims of the C-Virus…) and once we were allowed inside, the Tall Oaks Cathedral turned out to be nothing more than an old Spencer Estate-esque puzzle — which I am NOT going to complain about. But more on that later.

Helena said that she had been to the Tall Oaks Cathedral days before and that the big ol’ statue in the back hadn’t been there. Like, there was a staircase leading down and now it was blocked by aforementioned big ol’ statue. So of COURSE this means there must be a way to move it! Yessiree — these folks inhabiting the cathedral were sitting in a puzzle and didn’t even know it.

This is when the Spencer-esque shenanigans went down — we had to find scattered Madonna statues and place them on their pedestals. This took a few minutes, and after we were successful the statue in the back of the cathedral moved, revealing that staircase going down — which is great and all, but it also revealed this weird-ass monster thing that had skin that resembled shell barnacles. It also, um, sneezed milk (THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE ANYWAY) and killed everyone inside. Except for Leon and Helena, of course. I mean, they are the good guys.

After killing Mr. (Miss? Mrs.?) Barnacle we proceeded down the recently revealed staircase and WHADDJA LOOK AT THAT there’s an underground lab of sorts!

Now, like I said earlier I really dig these puzzles. They give me the warm and fuzzies from Resident Evils of old. After all, they’re never too difficult (which is good for my brain) and I really, REALLY like figuring them out with my partner — since I’m playing local co-op we’re having an absolute blast with it. It makes us feel smrt.

Anywho, Helena ended up spilling the beans that she was looking for her sister, Deborah. Or maybe I learned that because I accidentally looked ahead in the wiki. Anyway, in our search for this Deborah chick Leon somehow stumbled across a video of Ada being squirted out of a body-shaped shell. Yes. In the middle of BumFuckEgypt Leon found a video of Ada naked. You can’t make this shit up.

I also discovered Helena has a very fat vagina.

But I digress.

We finally found Deborah, and just like Ada’s video, she was in some deep-ass random part of the underground lab. Unfortunately she had already been infected with the C-Virus. :/

Deborah before…

…aaaaaand Deborah after:

Ada made a brief cameo, in which she shot Deborah in the head with an arrow. I think she was trying to put her down, but it OBVIOUSLY did not work because yeah you SEE what Deborah turned into? She turned into a mucusy veiny bitch. NO BUENO. Needless to say, her milkshake would not bring boys to the yard — especially because we ended up killing her, and no one likes a dead milkshake. Well, most people do not enjoy it. Okay. Moving the fuck on.

After Ada bounced, Helena revealed to Leon that she was blackmailed by National Security Adviser Derek C. Simmons into aiding the assassination of Benford. And I won’t lie, that sentence came from the wiki because I can’t remember names for shit.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is where I left off. And y’know what? I am loving the SHIT out of Resident Evil 6. I love the puzzles, I love the zombie-esque creature things, I love the co-op. I’m just worried that once I dive into Chris’ or Jake’s campaign it’ll drastically change, but I hope not.

After all, I have voice commands now, so it can’t be TOO bad. >)

OOOH! I ALSO FOUND THE TRIFORCE!!!!

November 1st, 2012: What the hell is a Ustanak?

In a turn of awesome events, Leon and Helena are the prime suspects in the murder of the president of the United States! Isn’t that lovelier than a bunch of roses and sugar cookies? Because of this AWESOME thing, Leon asked Hunnigan to fake their deaths. She said “FoSHO HOMIE!”, and with that, Leon and Helena decided to pursue Simmons into Lanshiang, China.

Of course, getting OUT of the crypts was no easy task. Nosiree. I mean, by all reality Leon and Helena should have died at least twelve different times but they somehow prevailed. (Don’t they always?)

And as if escaping from huge fish-alligator creatures, zombies and other dead things ON TOP OF falling down a waterfall wasn’t enough…

…Tall Oaks was, like, destroyed. Boom. GONE. DEMOLISHEDDDDDDDDDD!

Ahem.

Next thing I know, Leon and Helena are on an airplane headed to China. But what I want to know is how they even GOT on an airplane when supposedly their deaths have been faked? I mean, they always could have assumed fake identities and whatnot to board, but from personal experience I know it’s not easy to get on that ishnit without proper identification. Take it from a girl who forgot her ID at home once. No bueno.

Nothing can ever go right, and shortly before we were to land in China another one of those Barnacle Bitches hatched and began infecting the passengers with the C-Virus. Sigh. I guess Barnacle Bitches have an actual name, which is a Lepotitsa chrysalid, but I prefer Barnacle Bitch. So, yes, a Barnacle Bitch hatched and made my life difficult.

Eventually we were able to fend this fucker off to the point it, um, toppled out of the plane’s hatch. Having an airplane scene like this is kind of a staple in videogames, isn’t it? It was in Uncharted, it was in Code Veronica, it’s in a lot of other games I can’t remember. Anywho, while it was great that Barnacle Bitch was tossed overboard this, in turn, left the airplane in some sort of fucked-up state. Leon ran to the cockpit (HAI’MSOIMMATURE) and tried to land the plane himself, with the direction of Hunnigan. And I say he “tried” to land the plane because the first attempt was NOT a success whatsoever. But the second time was a charm and we landed that plane. If you want to count “landing” as “using buildings in China as a landing pad”, that is.

After “landing” Helena and Leon came across Sherry and Jake. And I know myself, and I give it a 71% chance I’m going to end up having a thing for Jake. A few of my fellow lady gamers have told me he’s the bee’s knees, so I will trust their vaginas. But anyway, Sherry is now an agent and guess who her boss is? MR. SIMMONS! Isn’t that swell? She said she was just on her way to report to him, however she wouldn’t disclose his location to Leon, and before they could milk any more details out of each other (kinky?) THIS fat bastard came along:

I guess it’s called a Ustanak.  But it sounds more like USkank so I think that’s what I’m going to refer to this iron-clawed fucknut as from now on. Like, seriously. Only a mother could love that face. In any case, we ended up “fending” it off (I refuse to believe this thing is dead, skanks never die easily) AND became separated from Sherry and Jake.

And from a personal standpoint, I’m still loving the balls out of Resident Evil 6.

November 13th, 2012: WHY DON’T THE BOSSES EVER DIE

Because I am an artard or something, Resident Evil 6 had NOT saved my battle with the USkank SOOOO I had to beat that iron-clawed fucknut down again. Which I did, with ease, by the way. It’s like my badassery scale went up by a point while I was away or something. And before I proceed any farther, I want to preface this post with the honest truth that I was slightly buzzed during this play session and since it was a few days ago my memory is like OOOHWHATHAPPENED?! So, bear with me. Kthnx.

In any case, after splitting away from Sherry and Jake Helena and Leon came to a cockblock door that required three different keys. Sure, great, whatever — except this THING was all over our nuts and wouldn’t let us search for the keys in peace.

I think it’s called a Regenerator, and I don’t even know if that’s even it in the above photo. All I know is that these fuckers were supposedly in Resident Evil 4 (my brain doesn’t recall seeing them, though) so apparently this wasn’t my first run-in with this…thing. AND HOW DID IT EXPRESS IT’S GRATITUDE OF RUNNING INTO LEON ?! It tried to stick Helena’s head in meat grinder. And the sad thing is that it succeeded a few times before my partner got the button prompts right.

Anyway, after we found all three keys and unlocked the door, we ran into Ada (details are, um, fuzzy) who tried to KILL us. What a great character, that Ada Wong. So, we chased that bitch. But it turns out we weren’t the only ones chasing her:

Hello, studs. So glad you can see each other. In the same screen. In HD.

Chris claimed Ada caused the outbreak, Leon said she was a key witness, yadda yadda yadda. All I know is my longtime wish after seeing the RE6 trailer, dated April 10th, didn’t come true:

“Chris and Leon are going to meet for the first time!!! Maybe they’ll forget about everything happening and remove their shirts so that they may compare their six-pacs or something. That would be amazeballs. Speaking of amazeballs, DEM GRAPHICS! I’m sure you’d be able to see every ripple of muscle…oh, ahem. Am I typing out-loud? ;D”

So, yeah, THAT didn’t happen. But anyway, I’m going to be honest (again) and tell you I don’t remember how or why things happened following this event. But this is what how shit went down according to the Wiki:

Leon, Helena, Sherry, and Jake confront Simmons over his involvement with the outbreaks, where Sherry covertly hands Jake’s medical data to Leon in case of their captivity. Leon and Helena corner Simmons, who has been infected by a J’avo, atop a train, where he confesses to having killed the President to keep him from disclosing the truth behind Raccoon City, which would have led to the US losing its authority. The two temporarily defeat a mutated Simmons while Sherry and Jake are captured. When attempting to leave the city, Leon and Helena are warned by Chris that a missile has been launched, but are too late to stop it. Leon discloses Jake’s real identity to Chris and has him rescue Jake and Sherry in a remote oil platform. With the aid of Ada, Leon and Helena finally kill Simmons before escaping with evidence proving Simmons’s crimes provided by Ada, exonerating Helena.

SWEET! There you have it, folks! I finished Leon’s campaign.

Here are some last-minute Leon campaign thoughts:

• True to Resident Evil fashion, it took like, twelve different battles before Simmons went down for good. Like, for good-good. Juuust when you thought he was finally dead BLAMMO he pops his mutated face all up in your grill to say hello. Butthead.
• Also true to Resident Evil fashion, we got a five second ending. Sigh. Why do I ever expect anything more…
• I was hoping I’d get to see Sheva with Chris, but maybe we’ll see a blip of her in his mission.
• Leon’s campaign was enjoyable. I loved some of the retro-feel puzzles, zombies and cheesiness. So. Much. Cheese. But I have to say I’m not a HUGE fan of the leveling/upgrade system — I liked RE4’s and RE5’s a conisderable amount more.
• I can’t help but wonder — is Helena going to drop off of the radar forever now?

Next up: CHRIS! Several of you have told me Jake’s campaign is your favorite, so I’m saving that one for last.

Also, I want to delay the inevitable crush I’m going to develop.

December 29th, 2012: Chris + a Panda = <3

Has Chris Redfield always been this stubborn? I thought in Resident Evil 5 he was, like, more low-key. But then again, in RE5 all of his men (aka Sheva) didn’t succumb to the C-Virus (or whatever virus it was that Ada Wong splattered all over those poor men) so I guess Chris has a reason for not only being stubborn, but for being an…ALCOHOLIC?! That’s right, kiddos! Chris Redfield’s campaign starts off with him throwing back a few alone in a bar. #ForeverAlone

But never fear! Former comrade and hottie-booma-lottie Piers Nivans shows up at the bar to save the day and be all like, “YO, bro. You’re, like, Chris Redfield. A LEGEND! A CAPTAIN! A BADASS! Why you be in here drinking all of that away, mang?!” And let me just say, Piers is almost too good looking. Like, he’s so perfect he looks weird.

I can’t remember HOW, but somehow Piers convinced Chris to put the bottle down and resume his badassery as a Raccoon City Alumni.

Wikipedia, take it away!

“On December 24th, 2012 Bio-terrorism Security Assessment Alliance (BSAA) Captain Chris Redfield and his team, including sniper Piers Nivans and demolitions expert Finn Macauley fight against the two Orgomans and J’avo. However, they are attacked by a Neo-Umbrella agent that refers to herself as Ada Wong, who kills most of the BSAA members using a device that injects them with the newly developed C-virus, turning them into monsters, except Chris and Piers. The aftermath causes Chris to go into self-imposed exile, binge-drinking at a bar. Later, Chris returns to duty in the BSAA with Piers and a new team, arriving in Lanshiang under the threat of a bio-terrorist attack. Chris recovers from his Posttraumatic amnesia and goes on a vendetta against Ada, resulting in mounting casualties for his squad. Chris and Piers corner Ada, until Leon intervenes.”

Y’know, when I was playing Leon’s campaign I didn’t dislike Ada with a fiery passion. But now that I’ve played about 2/3 of Chris’ campaign I hate that bitch. I can’t figure her out — is she a good guy? Er, girl? Will I learn to understand why she did what she did after I play her campaign? I’m not sure, but all I know is she killed Finn MacCools (that was my nickname for him, based off an Irish Pub I used to frequent <3) and that is NOT OKAY. NOT OKAY, ADA! BAD GIRL.

Let’s see…what are some other memorable things that have happened so far…::rubs beard: OH! I fought one of these:

Officially, they’re called Ogromans. However I commonly refer to them as “Monsterfaces”. Also, Capcom, WTF? Like, these monster-motherfuckers you come up with keep getting bigger and bigger as the series progresses. I’m scared to see the size of these bad boys by the time Resident Evil 12 comes out. If these Monsterfaces continue to thrive, they’re going to be the size of a freakin’ continent.

But by far, the best thing that has happened during this entire game is as follows:

Yes. You are looking at Chris Redfield on a panda swing…thing…in the middle of a children’s park in China. Props, Capcom brosephs. That was fun lil’ Easter egg <3.

If someone is controlling Piers, you can have him slide down a slide, belly-first. ISN’T HE SO CYUTA?!

So far Chris’ campaign has been pretty “meh” (besides riding a panda) and for the love of GOD, those cover mechanics MUST change. So. Bad. And I’m finding Chris to be a little annoying with all of that stubbornness. I mean, sure, he’s had a pretty rough life. He survived a zombie apocalypse in Raccoon City, not to mention Las Plagas/Ouroboros shit Resident Evil 5, and now he has to face the C-Virus. BUT TOUGH SHIT, I SAY! That doesn’t excuse the fact that his one-tracked mind is causing several deaths in his squad!

Chris Redfield, if you’re reading this, I’d like to have a word with you in private. But please, um, remove your shirt before you come in. (HEY-O!)

Ahem.

January 9th, 2013: Of Course.

We last left our heroes looking like this:

Déjà vu much? That’s because this is the SECOND time I have seen this iconic scene of Chris and Leon pointing their shiny objects at each other (HEY-O!) and, sadly, they failed to remove their shirts and have a six-pack competition this round as well. Sigh. Anywho, Leon tried to talk Chris into not killing Ada and Chris surprisingly obeyed. I’m not sure if this is totally accurate, but I think their parting words were like, “Yo, Chris bro. I need to tap this later, so can you not shoot her in the face? I’d appreciate it.” “But Leon, she killed most of my men.” “I know, man, I’m sorry. I just need to get laid. I’d hit Helena’s ass if I could, but there’s something wrong with her vagina. Just wait until you see her crawling around.” “Okay, fine. You go after Simmons and I’ll pursue Ada.” “Aight brah. Deuces.”

Well, pursuing Ada was a clusterfuck. You see, my friends, any time I have to operate a motor vehicle in-game I just SUCK at it — I don’t like using the brakes and I don’t like taking corners carefully. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry, I’m a fantastic IRL driver. (If I get in a car accident anytime soon I’m going to chalk it up to a terrible jinx.)

Ada’s chase eventually led us to an aircraft carrier, where we had to destroy cruise missiles that were pumped full of the good stuff — and by the “good stuff” I mean the C-Virus. But, um, when we finally confronted Ada she was assassinated. Whaaat? I mean, I know from Leon’s campaign Chris relayed to Leon that she was dead (even though we’d later find out she wasn’t) and now I see why. Ada’s “assassination” wasn’t a gentle one– that bitch ate shit HARD. I mean, she was shot off of a building and landed a million feet below on cement.

But the sad, unfortunate thing is that Chris and Piers weren’t able to destroy ALL of the C-Virus missiles — oh no — the only they WEREN’T able to destroy was the one heading right for Leon and Helena in Lanshiang.

And it hit Lanshiang so hard.

After breaking the news to Leon about the “death” of Ada, Chris and Piers headed underground to save Jake and Sherry.

Managed to save them, they did. So, let me ask you — how do you think this little reunion between Chris and Jake went? Do you think Chris and Jake became besties and forgot about all of that tension that had built up in the past? Well, in his meathead mind, Chris decided it would be best if he told Jake that he was the one who killed his father. Um, yeah. Smart move broseph.

While Jake decided to not blow Chris’ head off, he instead grazed his cheek with a nice hot bullet. Nicely done, Jake. Great control there. Everyone said their civil goodbyes (as you can imagine) and went their separate ways. Well that’s all great and all except for this one thing — this massive as BoW with the FREAKIEST eyeballs I have ever seen decided to make an appearance and attack Piers and Chris.

Okay, remember what I said earlier about the size of these BoW’s in the last post? “Also, Capcom, WTF? Like, these monster-motherfuckers you come up with keep getting bigger and bigger as the series progresses. I’m scared to see the size of these bad boys by the time Resident Evil 12 comes out. If these Monsterfaces continue to thrive, they’re going to be the size of a freakin’ continent.”

Yeah. Scary-Eyed-Fucker above (aka known as the Haos in-game) totally takes the cake. Ew. That was probably the first Capcom created fuckshits that legitimately freaked me out.

And because Capcom likes to keep things warm and fuzzy, Piers ended up getting heavily wounded by this Scary-Eyed-Fucker. So wounded, in fact, that the only solution he could think of was to inject himself with a vial of the C-Virus that happened to be conveniently lying on the ground in front of him. After injecting himself he was able to temporarily defeat the Haos, which is great, but um my studly Piers now looked like this:

I mean, I’d still hit it, no question. But it kinda puts a damper on things. Although it’s not like I’d have a choice anyway because Piers sacrificed himself for the safety and well-being of Chris Redfield by shoving Mr. Meathead into an escape pod as he stayed behind, ensuring the destruction of the Neo-Umbrella base. GOOD FOR YOU, PIERS! You managed to keep true to the Capcom curse that is specifically catered to me — every non-starring male role I develop psuedo-feelings for ends up biting the dust. I won’t name the others for spoilers sake, but just you know you joined their ranks.

Aaaaand per the norm, Chris’ campaign consisted of a minute-long ending cutscene that hints he’s still serving with the BSAA.

The. End.

But not all is lost! In fact, it is all won! For I just found out Piers’ face was based off of an actor named Adam Crosman — check him out on Twitter!