June 10th, 2011: PORTAL PORTAL PORTAL!

Whenever I say Portal, I want to say it three times like “Dradle Dradle Dradle!” but “PORTAL PORTAL PORTAL!”

Alright, how’s THAT for most random introduction ever?

Yes, it is true. I have never played Portal before. Go ahead, ridicule me. I’ll wait.


So, what do I know about Portal? Close to nothing, minus the basics. I know there’s a gun of sorts that creates portals in walls, there is a thing called GlaDOS (I think I capitalized the correct letters?), the famous “The cake is a lie” meme stems from this game, umm…oh! There’s a thing called a companion cube.

For the record, I don’t know what in the hell any of the aformentioned things mean.  And when it comes to Portal’s story, I know aboslutely nothing. Zilch. Nada.

You guys have told me the game can be completed in about three hours, so this may end up being the shortest game log in the history of EVAR.

June 11th, 2011: Well, that was fun!

Portal was one of the most innovative games I’ve ever played. What a friggen’ cool concept, but I won’t lie—at first, my brain hurt. I couldn’t quite understand how the portal gun worked (and that was when I only had the blue one) but it was still fun to run around, oblivious as to what I really was doing.

There isn’t much to talk about in terms story. Your character Chell wakes up in the equivalent of human rat-maze, aka the Enrichment Center for Aperture Laboratories, with a kick-ass piece of Aperture technology called a PORTAL GUN! Upon seemingly coming to the end of the test, maze, or whatever you want to call it, Chell is almost “accidentally murdered”. She then knows GLaDOS is corrupt and ultimately destroys her. THE END.

So, I’m going to post pictures I took during my three hour extravaganza and talk about them.

I seriously chased myself around for minutes.

It took a while for me to grasp the idea and mechanics of the portals, but once I did, PSSSH—the game threw me for a loop. I had a feeling I’d acquire the orange gun at some point. But y’know, I like to consider myself a video game master and all that so I mastered the double-fisting rather quickly.

So, with both colors in hand, I felt like I was REALLY playing Portal. I’ve heard all about Portal ever since it released, but I never was able to enjoy the game personally. So yes, it was big deal when I had both colors on my screen and yes, it was totally picture-worthy.

The puzzles started out simple enough, but once some brainpower was actually required, I found myself making trivial errors. Unfortunately, this lead to a lot of crazy camera angles and rapid spinning. Guys, I started getting motion-sickness. I NEVER GET MOTION SICKNESS. The level below caused a lot of heart (and stomach) ache.

Now, can we please talk about my favorite part of Portal?! PLEASE?!?!!

I don't hate you.

These lil’ turrets are officially the cutest things ever. They’re these killer-bots but ohmygod. How could anyone feel any ill-will towards them? They have the cutest little voices and say the cutest phrases. All I know is that I want one in my living room, except instead of bullets it’ll fire hot wings <3.

IT’S THE COMPANION CUUUUBE!!! Holy moley, I found myself being a total weirdo and actually feeeling BAD when it came to kill it. I thought the commentary from GLaDOS was hilarious, who warned me not to become too attached to the cube because it’s an uh inanimate object. I DON’T CARE. I also lol’d like a crazy person when I stumbled across this room:

This is what my Alistair shrine looks like, but with more Alistair.
Cake? HMMM...


But then….



The thing I had been looking forward to ever since starting Portal was the infamous “The cake is a like” meme. After destroying my companion cube (WAAAH) my feelings of sadness were replaced with feelings of joy when GLaDOS said “…there will be cake.”




YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. At that moment, I felt like I had graduated in gaming academy or something.

As I ventured on, I came across another wall that I found humorous.

I love it when these type of things are thrown into games.

When it came time to destroy GLaDOS, it took me a few times. It was probably because I handsomely.


So, what’s there to say about Portal other than what’s already been said? Like I noted above, I suck at life for never having played this game until last night. Honestly it was just what the doctor ordered—it was simple, fucking hilarious (I love sarcastic humor and can’t remember the last time a game contained so much of it) and it was just REFRESHING.

Needless to say, Portal 2 is in my immediate queue.


  1. Hot-wings-firing-lil-turret = Extremely Smart!!

    hahah but seriously I hope that Valve will release turret figurine one day cause I also would like to get one in my man-cave =)

    Also, get out there and play some Portal 2 Coop, you’ll have a blast :)

    • OMG. I heard that Cliffy B has a talking turret. That would be awesome. I can’t wait to dive into Portal 2!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.