I almost shat my pants several times this weekend while venturing through a “haunted house”. Now, this was the kind of “haunted house” where bold and brave travelers gather their courage and wander through a one-way maze while people in costume stand behind corners and cause said travelers to crap their pants. So it’s not necessarily a haunted house, per se, but more like an on-rails videogame in which you’re constantly pressured to move forward and encounter things that are going to jump out at you.
So while clowns were cackling, little stringy-haired girls were shrieking and zombies were moaning amidst the strobe light of the haunted maze, I got to thinking: if I could design a haunted house, how would I do it?
First things first: The setting of my haunted house would be the Spencer Estate from Resident Evil. Sure, it appears to be only a spooky ass mansion, but underneath is an entire laboratory.
I’d have guests enter the mansion and I, being the great host that I am, would lock them inside. But never fear, somewhere hidden inside the mansion would be a key. (Hint: it wouldn’t be hidden in the mansion part of the mansion, if you nah’msayin. Hell, a little bio-weapon exposure in an underground lab has never hurt anyone.)
Now for the fun part. What in the world would I put inside my haunted house?
Yeah. Can you imagine all of these fuckers chasing you around a haunted house?
And with that, I have a confession. I’m writing this blog post at 12:10 in the morning. It’s dark outside. I’m alone. I hear weird noises coming from my neighbor. So with that, I’m going to call it a post before I proceed to piddle all over my computer chair.
Let me know if I forgot a scary character, or if my list didn’t tickle your freaky-fancy.