I Want to Create a Haunted House

I almost shat my pants several times this weekend while venturing through a haunted house. Now, this was the kind of haunted house where bold and brave travelers gather their courage and wander through a one-way maze while people in costume stand behind corners and cause said travelers to crap their pants. So its not necessarily a haunted house, per se, but more like an on-rails videogame in which youre constantly pressured to move forward and encounter things that are going to jump out at you.

So while clowns were cackling, little stringy-haired girls were shrieking and zombies were moaning amidst the strobe light of the haunted maze, I got to thinking: if I could design a haunted house, how would I do it?

First things first: The setting of my haunted house would be the Spencer Estate from Resident Evil. Sure, it appears to be only a spooky ass mansion, but underneath is an entire laboratory.

Id have guests enter the mansion and I, being the great host that I am, would lock them inside. But never fear, somewhere hidden inside the mansion would be a key. (Hint: it wouldnt be hidden in the mansion part of the mansion, if you nahmsayin. Hell, a little bio-weapon exposure in an underground lab has never hurt anyone.)

Now for the fun part. What in the world would I put inside my haunted house?

Yeah, the Bella Sisters from Resident Evil 4 made me crap myself.
I've never played a F.E.A.R. game, but dammit Alma is fucking scary.
What would a haunted house be without some good ol' fashion zombies?
My haunted house wouldn't be complete without some Dead Space Slasher lovin'.
Ohai Mr. Redead. I love it when you wrap your legs around Link and HUMP HIM TO DEATH. You are not permitted to do this in my haunted house.
The Witch. How creepy would it be to hear her sobbing somewhere in the mansion?
Sure they're hot, but DAMN. They're, like, dead. I don't even know what their deal is.

Yeah. Can you imagine all of these fuckers chasing you around a haunted house?

And with that, I have a confession. I’m writing this blog post at 12:10 in the morning. It’s dark outside. I’m alone. I hear weird noises coming from my neighbor. So with that, I’m going to call it a post before I proceed to piddle all over my computer chair.

Let me know if I forgot a scary character, or if my list didn’t tickle your freaky-fancy.


  1. What about the ghosts from Fatal Frame 2?
    I remember wandering around, passed a
    staircase and when I turned around there was
    this ghost, bent over backwards like her back was broken.
    That freaked us out. Love playing this late at night in the dark.

    • YEAH! I forgot about that game. I never played it because I was too scared…and that whole bit about “like her back was broken” gave me goosebumps.

  2. you know what would be great to really step up the haunted house experience? victims in the crowd. Have a few people mixed into the crowd who will get attacked and pulled into the room. Cheap breakable walls would also be a great addition. Pull a condemed trick out of the hat: Make it so you can hear the monster approach but give it no actual entrance. The scare comes from when it bursts through the wall. Then you can continue to have the monster make its approach sound and keep people on edge. just a few ideas.

    Not cheap thrills but thats the fun of fantasy.

  3. You forgot the statue from Majora’s Mask. Also, I’m not coming to your haunted house because I don’t want to have to bring a change of pants…

  4. Would your haunted house involve different areas based on popular horror games? Such as a USG Ishimura room, or a hallway from silent hill, an open area village from RE4? If so then the possibilities are endless.

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