Costco and I

The Zombies Are Coming! The Zombies Are Coming!

7/3/2010

In light of today’s Red White and Dead event, I felt it was appropriate to bring up a topic that will not only allow you guys to get to know me better, but we will totally connect on a whole new level because of it. I promise.

If there were a zombie apocalypse, where would you go, which weapons would you use, and would you travel alone?

Okay, so maybe the question isn’t ENTIRELY blind date material, but hey, it’s important. Being the zombie nut that I am, I sometimes find myself musing over this matter (usually when I’m bored at work).

As you sit and read this, it’s easy to say where you would LIKE to make your last stand when the walking pus-bags begin roaming, but let’s face it, we’ll probably end up with our hands on our head, frantically running around and screaming like little girls.

But still…it’s always good to have a plan in THEORY.

Weapons: I’m decent with a rifle and a shotgun, so I’d take a 30.06 and a 12 gauge. Some of the macho types prefer hand-to-hand combat with an axe or chainsaw, and I say you’re crazy. What if blood splatter lands in your mouth or eyes? We all know the T-Virus…er, I mean unknown disease, is highly contagious. Duh.

Companions: To be a lone wolf or join a pack? With more people comes more responsibility (such as the necessity for extra supplies and food) however there is such a thing as safety in numbers. I would join a group of survivors any day over being a loner and inevitably making an inanimate object my new best friend. BUT. People tend to go batshit crazy in reaction to dead people roaming the land (weird, right?), so finding trustworthy companions that aren’t going to shank you or steal your goodies while on ‘night watch’ could prove to be rather difficult.

Location: This is really what it comes down to, isn’t it? Whether you’re alone, in a group, or somehow GameShark’d your life to grant you infinite ammo, if your location is less than ideal you aren’t going to survive the long, looming apocalypse.

Films, novels and comics have taught us that warehouses, malls, abandoned villages and even prisons are the cream of the crop, and I can’t argue. But there are major things to consider. Finding an aforementioned goldmine even remotely abandoned would require the same luck you would need to win the lottery. Even if you were to stumble across a warehouse completely void of zombies, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Ensuring that unwanted intruders (both the living and the dead) can’t and won’t infiltrate your cozy little home is an entirely different matter. And what about food? You’re bound to run out sometime, just as you will with bottled water. Will you attempt to grow your own crops by making do with available supplies, or will you have to raid local towns and 7-Elevens?

My ideal place of refuge? Costco. Ammo shortages might be a problem, but it’s a huge warehouse, contains more non-perishable food than I know what to do with, generators, an office I can lock up and sleep in at night, and here’s the biggie: free videogames and consoles.

And if I, you know, ever feel like being saved I can crawl up on the roof and paint a sprawling “HALP” across it for when the government comes for us.

They will come for us…right?

Cue the cliche line of “No one’s coming for us.”

Maybe you haven’t given this as much thought as I have (I admit, I’m bored at work a lot) but in a nutshell, where and what would you do should the zombies rise?

I guess if all else fails, you can do what I did this March at PAX East.

Team up with Jill Valentine.

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AHA! YOU SEE? NYAAAH!!! ::sticks tongue out::