California Recap: Pr0n Games

Hey guys! Just an FYI, if, uh, pornographic Atari 2600 screenshots offend you, you might not want to read this post.  

Thursday night was a night for awesome and important things, like listening to the latest We’re Alive episode BEFORE ANYONE ELSE (!!!!) and having the opportunity to partake in the final editing of said episode. (Though to be completely honest, I didn’t have time to even THINK about editing the podcast. I was too wrapped up in the show itself. Like, jaw-on-the-ground wrapped up.) 

Anyone speak Greek? I know not all of you listen to We’re Alive, but the amount of work that goes into each episode is staggering.

After that was all said and done we busted out leftover Easter candy, made some drinks and relived some classic gaming awesomeness. 

Kc had a massive array of games at his disposal, so I asked him if he had Custer’s Revenge on tap. Now, I have heard many-a-things about Custer’s Revenge, but I have never actually played it. I figured then would be as good as a time as any to pop that cherry. (No pun intended?) 

For those of you who, erm, aren’t familiar with Custer’s Revenge, the point of this game is to engage in sexual intercourse with the female as many times as possible whilst avoiding incoming arrows and sprouting cacti. Anyway, all of us were howling, and before we knew it we were trying another Mystique game called Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em. Yeah. Unfortunately we couldn’t get the controls to work, but I’m sure the screenshot provides sufficient evidence as to what this game was all about.

 We later booted up a little something called Knight on the Town. Like the others before it, the goal was to get laid, but in order to do so one had to build a bridge across a moat in order to get to the willing ass lass. (See what I did thare?) Unfortunately, the water below was infested with penis-eating crocodile things, so it took quite a while before we, ahem, achieved our goal. Let’s just say the crocodiles won’t be hungry for a while.

I think every gamer should experience these games at least once. It’s like a gamer’s rite of passage and is a noteworthy event in our history. I mean, the gaming industry could have turned out to be nothing but pr0n games. Thank GOD it didn’t, but at least we’re able to experience that failed alternate universe thanks to game developer Mystique.



  1. TMNT3 is freaking awesome. One of my favorite NES games.

    Playing pr0n games isn’t complete without getting a MAME emulator and getting 100% on the good versions of Gal’s Panic. Try it!

    • I don’t own an emulator. But I’m not such an extremist that if that’s all someone has to play on that I’m going to, like, shun them away like they’re the devil or something and refuse to touch a controller ;)

      • what about a wii emulator? :P this reminds me of the story when u updated your friends modded 360. im just yanking your chain i know its a grey area…lol

    • YEAH! Out of every game we played that was probably my favorite. It was *SO* much friggen’ fun! It was like a retro RDR. :D

      • I like how it says the favorite drink of the blond guy is warm milk. Also that kickass fat guy with the tattoos who throws logs at you. Also the fact that the bosses start flashing like crazy when they die. Ah the good old days…

  2. If you played Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em on an Atari, I believe you needed the paddle controllers.

    But yer such a baby, you probably don’t even know what that means! :P

    • Yeah, that’s what Kc was saying too. AND I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. I think. Don’t they have the twisty knob in the middle?

      • Basically, yeah. Like a RC car’s steering wheel and a button on the side.

        It was always hard to find good ones, too. They broke really easily and would get super twitchy/jumpy.

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