Welcome to Britt5091: Origins, where I dig up old blog posts I used to write for IGN’s community under the username Britt5091. Some posts may make you giggle, some may make your eyes bleed, and some may make you stroke your beard in a pensive manner. All you need to know is that these posts, no matter how terrible some of them may be, ultimately lead to everything I do now.
Gaming confessions…I has them.
July 1st, 2009
As a lil’ girl, my first years of gaming were quite…girly.
While most boys my age were likely getting their first hard-ons from games such as Mortal Kombat, Shadownrun, Castlevania and Killer Instinct, I was handed Crystal’s Pony Tale and Barbie’s Magic Hair Styler.
So today, my dear friends, I will embarrass myself and tell you some of my deepest, darkest girlie gaming secrets.
I had Super Mario World, and I loved it, still do. Even with all the depth, I eventually got a little bored with it and wanted a different game. Long story short, somehow I ended up with a small array of games that should have been wrapped in pink ribbons and bows with a miniature pony next to them puking out rainbows.
Let the confessions begin!
Crystal’s Pony Tale: Genesis
It’s a complex plot, but try to stay with me. *Ahem*. Oh no! Crystal Pony’s friends have been captured by the cruel witch! Let’s gallop to their rescue! Find crystals throughout a meadow, forest and cave to save your friends! Afterwards we’ll throw a pony party and get tanked! (I’m sure they did. I know I would.)
I would spend HOURS upon HOURS playing this game. Um, hi. You could customize your freakin? PONY! What’s not to love?!
Barbie’s Magic Hair Styler: PC
Anyone want a free haircut? I’ve had some practice.
As ashamed as I am to admit I played this non stop, I had to mention it.
The Great Circus Mystery Staring Minnie and Mickey – SNES
I gotta say, by the time I was done with Super Mario World I was pretty good at Platformers. So this game was a walk in the park, but it was sooo cute the way Mickey and Minnie interacted, worked together, saved the day..wait? This is a Disney game right? Where’s the hidden penis? The pornographic image in the background? The word “sex”? Lame. Moving on.
Ecco the Dolphin: Genesis
Sure, it may not be considered a girly game, BUT all I would do was frolic in and out of the water, swimming around near the surface for hours. Why? I was afraid of the sharks. Not like I have a genuine fear of sharks, I was scared that poor Ecco would get hurt.
Resident Evil (Series)
When I first played this game around 4th grade, it scared the ever loving shit out of me to the point it took at least 3 or 4 months to get over it. My sleeping habits were screwed up, I had to sleep with the radio on, and it took at least 3 years for me to play the games again.
I had a thing for adult Link. He looked like Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. Pretty much anyone who was blonde and had blue eyes was an instant hit with me.
The Legend of Zelda: MM
My friend and I once stood outside my driveway doing “Kamaro’s Dance” for a half hour.
I almost had to put down Earthbound when I got to Threed as I was still a puss from Resident Evil.
I’m pretty sure I’ve embarrassed myself enough. C’mon people, this is a safe place, got a gaming confession? Share it below.
Hahaha, oh dear. I can’t believe I actually took the time in Microsoft Paint to crop Nick Carter’s face on Link’s body. WHAT DEDICATION!
Some further tidbits I may have been too embarrassed to mention at the time:
Crystal’s Pony Tale: I would listen to the Spice Girls on my Discman (REMEMBER THOSE?!) and make Crystal “dance” by having hear rear back on her hind legs. Also, I’d design my pony to have a tan body with a blonde mane. Bimbo Crystal or a foreshadowing of my future self? LOL. I’m terrible. And I’m not tan.
Barbie Magic Hair Styler: If I still had this game, I would totally play it. There’s something satisfying about hacking off locks of hair and having the power to grow it all back with a magical comb. …WHAT?!
Ecco the Dolphin: Genesis: Not only would I stick to the surface of the ocean to avoid the deadly sharks and other unknown dangers below, I’d also blast That’s the Way (I Like It) whilst doing so and coordinate Ecco’s air flips with the beat. Man. What was up with me and gaming to crazy 90’s music?! Sheesh. ;)
Resident Evil (Series): Resident Evil 2 specifically sparked an ongoing nightmare that lasted several months. In it, a truck carrying zombies would be driving down a nearby street. The truck would crash, the zombies would unload, and every time I’d close my eyes they would slowly and steadily shuffle towards my room. No. Bueno.
The Legend of Zelda: OOT: Besides fantasizing about Nick Carter (swoon!) I would LARP with Link in the land of Hyrule. I’d spend time in Kokari forest “hanging out” with my “friends” (ie, AI that said the same thing over and over again) , run “errands” to Lon Lon Ranch for milk, go “take care of the cow” at the bottom of Gerudo Valley, etc. Sooo yeaaaaaah.
Don’t you feel like we know each other so much better now? Because I do. In fact, come over tonight for dinner. But don’t be alarmed if I greet you with a rifle. It’s just precautionary. <3
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