Costco and I

A lot of you give me crap for wanting to take refuge at Costco when the zombie apocalypse goes down. Some of you have even accused me of gushing over Costco just to arouse (heh, arouse) a reaction – as in I supposedly know Costco is the worst place to hole up and I’m only fangirling over it to make people tell me otherwise.
 
Here’s a recent conversation I had with a friend.
 
Me: So, when the zombies come to town where are you holing up?
Friend: My apartment of course.
Me: That’s lame, dude.
Friend: I’m not even asking you that question because I already know you’re going to say Costco.
Me: Damn right! It’s the best ever! I’ll have a utopia of toilet paper while all of you die in the streets.
Friend: Okay, seriously Britt? You only say Costco because you like the reaction it gets out of…your people.
Me: NO! And by “your people” I assume you’re talking about the other zombie lovers. But no, I’ve always loved Costco. It has everything I’d need.
Friend: BUT THAT’S WHERE EVERYONE WILL GO!
Me: At first, yeah!
Friend: And all of the supplies will be taken!
Me: You don’t know that. Once the shit dies down and everyone dies I’ll go in there, clean house and make it my home.
 
My friend continued to call me stubborn and other obscenities, but those colorful names can shared another time. So anyway, to prove that I’ve always been a Costco fangirl, I’d like to share this post I created when I used to write for Zaxy.com.
 

The Zombies Are Coming! The Zombies Are Coming!

7/3/2010

In light of today’s Red White and Dead event, I felt it was appropriate to bring up a topic that will not only allow you guys to get to know me better, but we will totally connect on a whole new level because of it. I promise.

If there were a zombie apocalypse, where would you go, which weapons would you use, and would you travel alone?

Okay, so maybe the question isn’t ENTIRELY blind date material, but hey, it’s important. Being the zombie nut that I am, I sometimes find myself musing over this matter (usually when I’m bored at work).

As you sit and read this, it’s easy to say where you would LIKE to make your last stand when the walking pus-bags begin roaming, but let’s face it, we’ll probably end up with our hands on our head, frantically running around and screaming like little girls.

But still…it’s always good to have a plan in THEORY.

Weapons: I’m decent with a rifle and a shotgun, so I’d take a 30.06 and a 12 gauge. Some of the macho types prefer hand-to-hand combat with an axe or chainsaw, and I say you’re crazy. What if blood splatter lands in your mouth or eyes? We all know the T-Virus…er, I mean unknown disease, is highly contagious. Duh.

Companions: To be a lone wolf or join a pack? With more people comes more responsibility (such as the necessity for extra supplies and food) however there is such a thing as safety in numbers. I would join a group of survivors any day over being a loner and inevitably making an inanimate object my new best friend. BUT. People tend to go batshit crazy in reaction to dead people roaming the land (weird, right?), so finding trustworthy companions that aren’t going to shank you or steal your goodies while on ‘night watch’ could prove to be rather difficult.

Location: This is really what it comes down to, isn’t it? Whether you’re alone, in a group, or somehow GameShark’d your life to grant you infinite ammo, if your location is less than ideal you aren’t going to survive the long, looming apocalypse.

Films, novels and comics have taught us that warehouses, malls, abandoned villages and even prisons are the cream of the crop, and I can’t argue. But there are major things to consider. Finding an aforementioned goldmine even remotely abandoned would require the same luck you would need to win the lottery. Even if you were to stumble across a warehouse completely void of zombies, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Ensuring that unwanted intruders (both the living and the dead) can’t and won’t infiltrate your cozy little home is an entirely different matter. And what about food? You’re bound to run out sometime, just as you will with bottled water. Will you attempt to grow your own crops by making do with available supplies, or will you have to raid local towns and 7-Elevens?

My ideal place of refuge? Costco. Ammo shortages might be a problem, but it’s a huge warehouse, contains more non-perishable food than I know what to do with, generators, an office I can lock up and sleep in at night, and here’s the biggie: free videogames and consoles.

And if I, you know, ever feel like being saved I can crawl up on the roof and paint a sprawling “HALP” across it for when the government comes for us.

They will come for us…right?

Cue the cliche line of “No one’s coming for us.”

Maybe you haven’t given this as much thought as I have (I admit, I’m bored at work a lot) but in a nutshell, where and what would you do should the zombies rise?

I guess if all else fails, you can do what I did this March at PAX East.

Team up with Jill Valentine.

***

AHA! YOU SEE? NYAAAH!!! ::sticks tongue out::

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  • Boots_33

    I don’t know if Costco would be a good bet. Everyone is gonna loot the place, and even if you go in afterwards, there won’t be much left OR the current inhabitants will shoot you for trying to invade.

    Even if you were the one to get in there first, you’re going to be a target at that point.

    It sounds good on paper, but I question this strategy.

    Of course, when it comes to the Zombie Apocalypse scenarios, the movie WarGames has taught us a valuable lesson… 

    “The only way to win is not to play.”

  • I’ll wager my supplies that you’re going to show up at an overrun and completely raided Costco, waste your ammo trying to get away, and eventually be eaten in an alley.  I’ll have no way of confirming this… but if I don’t see a tweet after 72 hours I shall assume you fell.  Good luck, Britt and may your heaven have all-you-can-eat hot wings and beer.

  • lulz