July 9th, 2012: Jailbait Nathan Drake
Yeah, yeah. It took me eight months but I *FINALLY* opened Uncharted 3! I have to say, the Collector’s Edition looks a lot better out of the box than it does inside of it. Crazy, right?!
Our story with the oh-so-studly Nate Drake (who I WILL reproduce with someday) and his partner-in-crime Sully begins with them making a supposed trade of Nate’s ring (aka his necklace) for a LOT of money. I mean, a lot. I think I came when I saw all of that money. What type of currency it was means naught. All I saw were bundles of videogames disguised as cash. Anywho, they met up with this homeboy named Talbot. Talbot examined Nate’s ring and determined it was the real deal, but Nate and Sully “discover” that the money was fake. BAD NEWS BEARS.
A huge-ass fight ensued, after which Nate and Sully, despite getting their asses kicked by at least 12 men, manage to walk out. Well that’s all great and shit HOWEVER there were more duders waiting for them in an alley — including Charlie Cutter, Talbot’s cohort. And even though Nate and Sully managed to fend off aforementioned at least 12 men, the four guys in the alley easily took them out. While Nate and Sully were down and writhing in pain, an old homegirl drove up — I think Sully called her Kate — and snatched Nate’s ring off his neck, claiming it was hers and all of that jazz. Nate tried to stop her from getting away, but Charlie cockblocked that idea by shooting Nate AND Sully, and this actually appeared to piss Kate off! Then of course she drove away. YEAH. THANKS FOR TRULY CARING.
While they were bathing in their own blood (I’m so dramatic), the story flashed back 20 years earlier to Cartagena, Colombia, where I took control over a jail-bait Nate Drake.
14-year-old Nate was in search of Sir Francis’ ring. (Um, is that typical? Is that what all teenagers do? Wander to foreign countries to search for old shit?) He eventually found it in a museum, but soon discovered it was, you know, locked away in a glass case. As he stepped away Mr. Studly-20-Years-Younger-Victor Sullivan himself waltzed in. He too tried to get the ring as Nate watched from afar. Unfortunately the key didn’t work and he casually stepped away. The museum guards saw Drake being all sneaky squirrel and tossed him out of the museum.
But Nate waited for Sully to leave the museum and then proceeded to stalk him. He eventually saw Sully given a key that was guaranteed to open the display. This meant Nate must stalk Sully even harder throughout Cartagena until a prime opportunity to pickpocket him presented itself.
Nate eventually spots Sully and Katherine chillin’ by a merchants tent and decides that THAT is the prime time to steal Sully’s shit. He stole his shit. But because Sully wasn’t quite an old fart yet he caught onto Nate’s shenanigans and not only confronted him, but critiqued him on his pickpocketing skill as well.
After some bickering, Nate finally handed Sully the wallet BUUUT Nate had been a sneaky squirrel and kept the key to the museum case. COME ON SULLY! WTFBBQ. Who didn’t see that happen? I mean, if a kid reached into my butt and pulled out my shit I would make sure my shit was still where it belonged, nahming?
What would an Uncharted game be without the chase scenes? Getting busted in the museum lead to an EPIC chase, which resulted in young Nate successfully evading 92,394 men via rooftops and buildings and such. At some point Sully began helping Nate, roughing around with the men trying to kill him. Sully, you are a stud. <3. Eventually, though, Nate’s shit got weak and he found himself face-to-face with one of Kate’s men.
But Sully came to el rescue-o and shot said man in the back.
Afterward Sully and Nate nommed and drank and decided that they would be best friends. Well, not really. Nate was very apprehensive about becoming buddy-buddy with Sully, but I guess everything worked out JUST dandy for if you were to fast forward to present time — 20 years later — they were both shot and slumped against some trash in an alleyway. <3. Perfect. But, uh, it’s all good because Charlie– you know, the one who shot Nate and Sully – is actually a good guy, and the ring Kate stole, the one Nate was wearing around his neck, was fake. Oh, good. For a minute I was worried that the game would be over before it even started.
Nate, Sully and Charlie met up with CHLOE (<3), who had been keeping an eye out for the car Kate and her crew were in. She was able to track them to a building with a green door. Of course the door was locked, so Nate had to scale the building like a monkey to gain access.
Once inside, it was discovered that the car was nowhere in sight, but upon further investigation tire tracks were found leading into a wall. A secret passageway was soon discovered, and the guys headed inside while Chloe left to wait in the car in case an emergency getaway was necessary.
Kate’s car was found inside, as well as her, like, house. Or something. I think it more like an entire room dedicated to Sir Francis Drake’s belongings; it was HER version of a woman cave. But I dunno about this old hag – for being all fancy pants and whatnot it sure is strange that she chooses to dwell inside a tunnel. In any case we snuck up on her and her crew as they were gaga over Nate’s “ring”, as well as the same golden circular thingie Nate pulled out of the case 20 years ago.
Needless to say, Katherine quickly figured out she was el duped-zor and immediately launched an all-out manhunt for Nate and Sully and left the room. She was dumb and also left everything on the table. And by “everything” I mean the aforementioned golden circular thingie. After putting the correct ring in the golden circular thingie, Nate figured out it was actually a decoder of sorts and that “it” told him to look for the Golden Hind, which conveniently was in the same room.
Inside the Hind was a map of Saudi Arabia, which is all well and good EXCEPT it triggered the entire tunnel to Nate, Sully and Charlie’s location. As usual, an epic firefight ensued but the trio was able to escape a la Chloe Frazer and her getaway vehicle.
The scene cut to the crew chillin, drinkin and being merry. Now, per the norm with Uncharted games, I kinda get confused with the plot. Nate is way too damn smart for his own good and loses me amongst his theories and brainwaves and whatnot. So, here is what happened next according to Wikipedia:
“…where they manage to retrieve T. E. Lawrence‘s notebook and a map showing Francis Drake’s secret voyage to Arabia [this is what was in the Golden Hind], where he was commissioned by Queen Elizabeth I to search for the lost city of Ubar which is only mentioned in the Quran. Using these items, Nate works out that clues to the city’s location lie in Crusader crypts in a French chateau and a Syrian citadel. Nate and Sully head to eastern France and locate the long-abandoned chateau in a dense forest.”
Got that? Good.
Anyway, yeah, Sully and Nate went to France and while I, the player, haven’t found EXACTLY what I’m looking for, Talbot’s men have ambushed Nate and Sully. Also, zombies.
…What the heck.
September 10th, 2012: FIRE! FIRE!!!
I’ve come to the conclusion that Francis Drake or whoever the hell it was that decided to hide half of the amulet (which apparently contains the whereabouts of the lost city of Ubar) in a French chateau was a douchenugget. I mean, it turned out to be a very dangerous trip for Nate and Sully. THANKS FOR THINKING OF US.
So, what you see above was a puzzle yours truly had a difficult time figuring out. And I really thought I HAD figured it out. Don’t you just hate that feeling? Y’know, you’re one move away from supposedly solving it and when you make that final move NOTHING happens. No secret passageways are revealed, none of the walls move, nothing shifts. Then you’re like BLAWWWWWW and have to go back to the drawing board.
Eventually, though, a little light bulb went off in my head and I solved the puzzle, which lead Nate and Sully to the crypt of some…of someone. I honestly dunno who-da-fuck it was. All I know is that it had my amulet.
With half of the amulet in hand, Nate and Sully turned to leave when OH OF COURSE TALBOT SHOWED UP. And as if stealing the amulet I wracked my brain so hard for wasn’t enough, he had to, like, set the entire chateau on fire.
Thanks for that, man. Someday I WILL kill you. And by “I” I mean Nate will. It would be a little hard for me to do that seeing as you’re in a videogame and I am not. Ahem.
Nate and Sully finally escaped and promptly hauled tits to Syria, where Chloe and Cutter were searching for the second half of the amulet ‘cuz chances are Talbot’s men or that old hag Marlowe were already there as well. And that’s no bueno.
Thankfully we ran into Chloe and Cutter, but it was obvious they too had been followed and that ‘dem bad people were also in the citadel. Cutter and Nate went on some nerd tangent about how Marlowe is “the head of an order dating back four centuries” and that the order “seeks to gain power by exploiting the fears of their enemies” or something. Again, I can’t seem to fully follow any Uncharted storyline. In any case, after a huge-ass firefight Cutter and Nate were able to point out the location of the amulet thanks to those burning balls of gas in the sky.
Should be easy, right?
September 17th, 2012: HOW ARE TALBOT”S MEN EVERYWHERE!?!!!
Turns out, finding the supposed location of the amulet was easy. TOO EASY. I think we’ve all learned that when something appears like it’s going to err on the side of EASY it can only mean something bad is about to happen. Like, before you know it one of your party members will be shot with a dart containing hallucinogens, which will then force said party member to give up his gun, his journal AND as if that weren’t bad enough, he’ll then turn on everyone in his party.
But anyway, once we found the location (and once Cutter game down from his paranoia) finding the amulet was also an easy task. Minus this puzzle, which was a pain in the ASS.
And of course my favorite people showed up. RIGHT. ON. CUE.
Okay, I have a question: how the FUCK do these fucknuggets manage to catch up with me?! I mean, Nate and co. had to solve numerous puzzles, scale crazy-ass walls and partake in numerous other activities which required an effort to get to where they were — basically, what I’m getting at is there wasn’t a red carpet lined up for these guys. So, does ANYONE want to explain HOW THE HELL they ALWAYS manage to be like “OHAI GIMME UR LOOT!”
Everyone managed to escape, but while trying to leave the Citadel poor Cutter was cornered and forced to hand over the other half of the amulet. Those bastards. They, like, outsource their badassery by having Nate and co. do everything. All they do is point their guns and say mean things. Assweeds. But as if that weren’t enough, Marlowe set fire to the wooden platform Cutter was on, forcing the poor dude to jump for his life, breaking his leg in the process.
We stumbled upon a hippy’d out buss (not before engaging in an intense firefight) and GTFO. Cutter and Chloe backed out, which left Nate and Sully all by themselves. Wah-waaaah.
September 25th, 2012: RAMESESS!!!!!
LOOK AT THAT GRIN ON NATE’S FACE. LOOK. AT. IT. That’s right, he’s looking at the oh-so-sexy Elena Fisher, who just happens to be his, uh, recently estranged wife. Lovely. ALWAYS DRAMA. Anywhozers, Sully convinced Drake that he needed Elena in order to access all the goods Yemen offered — and by goods I mean an underground tomb which reveals the location of the lost city — and upon arrival, just as expected, Nate and Elena began bickering. Elena was like, “Dudebro. You’re so obsessed with your missions you’re going to end up getting Sully hurt because he’ll follow you anywhere!” and Nate was all like “OHAI you’re still wearing your wedding ring what does it mean?!!!”
Yeah, that’s pretty much how the conversation went.
Let me show you a photo montage of the events leading up to the discovery of the lost city.
Nate, Sully and Elena stumbled upon a room which had a bunch-o stars on the ceiling, depicting the location of THE LOCATION OF UBAR! ::shoots confetti:: But about this time ::takes back all confetti: those stupid spider-bug hybrids began skittering about, oozing through walls and whatnot which caused us to GTFO. Oh. I probably should mention that there was sufficient evidence inside the tomb that Sir Francis Drake had found the tomb, and what it was he found caused him to poon out and abandon his mission. Yup. He lied to Queen Elizabeth about ever finding the tomb because he was scared shitless. That concerned Elena. What a good recently-estranged wife she is <3. After safely bailing from the tomb, Nate was shot by a dart containg hallucinogens. JUST like his good buddy Cutter was.
After a trippy-ass experience of wandering through the town high as fuck and whatnot, Nate woke up next to Marlowe and Talbot. They were like “If you don’t cooperate with us then we’re gonna, like, hurt your woman and then we’re gonna find Sully since he knows awesome things and hijack him and take him with us until we find the lost city of Ubar.” And about that time, Talbot waltzed on over like the big douche he is and declared they had found Sully.
Nate was like AW HELL NO, went batshit and gave chase to Talbot, who began running away like a little bitch. Unfortunately, Nate was knocked out by a, um, pirate-man (as opposed to a pirate-woman) named Rameses who, of course, works with Marlowe. When he woke up, he was in a ship. That Nate — he sure gets around.
Rameses interrogated Nate for information about the “Iram of the Pillars” — which, apparently, is another fancy word for Ubar. DO YOU SEE HOW I CAN NEVER KEEP TRACK OF THE UNCHARTED PLOTS?!1 The characters drop fancy-name-bombs on me all of the time and I’m stuck thinking “lolwut”. Nate claimed to know nothing, and Rameses claimed to have captured Sully. Rameses up and left, and Nate proceeded to take out at least twelve of his henchmen. Yep. Don’t ask me how he does it — he just does.
That Nate — such a stud muffin.