November 23rd, 2011: Ghi…rahim?Before I even start this log, I feel the utmost necessity to let the internet know that I want a Kikwi right now. Actually, like, yesterday. HOW CAN SOMETHING SO WEIRD BE SO CUTE?! And then...there's the elder. Not so cute. He kind of looks like a deformed nut of sorts. Most of my session with Skyward Sword yesterday was repeat stuff; I had opened up the portal to the Sealed Grounds and only needed to purchase my shield before I ventured down soouuuuth. (Brown Chicken Brown Cow?). Eventually I made it to Faron Woods (which is where the Kikiw photos came from <3), the Deep Woods (haha..."deep") and finally to the Skyview Temple. But before heading inside Skyview I headed back to Skyloft so I could harass Beedle and explore a bit. Since I had sliced-n-diced a few Goddess Cubes, the resulting treasure chests were my first destination. My pursuit of one of them lead me to The Lumpy Pumpkin (YUM), which I'm going to assume is the equivalent of Lon Lon Ranch. Now, the people in The Lumpy Pumpkin are artards. A heart piece rested atop of the owner's "custom" chandelier. Now, what the hell? Of course I'm going to roll into your walls until that bad boy crashes down (and almost kills everyone) so I can receive my first heart piece. So, like, why you get all mad and make me deliver Lumpy Pumpkin soup to the Knight Commander, yo? Apparently running errands is Link's way of paying the owner back, and he will have more "work" for me in the future. Wonderful. Also, this: I found this poundcake while searching the skies of Skyloft. I feel like there is one of these, um, type of characters in every Zelda game. So I'm glad I found him. I guess he's working on a game, but of course it's not ready yet. It'll probably involve my Loftwing, rupees and a heart piece. JUST SAYING! After dinking around I found Beedle's lil' airship floating above Skyloft and purchased a bug net from him. (I would have purchased the larger wallet and the adventure pouch, but I was still short on rupees from breakign that squealing-woman's antiques.) I felt satisfied, so I headed back to the Skyview Temple. Because I had already made it about halfway through the temple, it was relatively easy and I whizzed through it. So, the beetle. When I first saw this bad boy in action about a year ago I was a little apprehensive. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was because it was something different (although one could argue it's like...a..boomerang? A BATARANG? A REMOTE CONTROLLED BATARANG?!) and at the time I was worried the Zelda franchise was going in a tail-spin and yadda yadda yadda, but I like this lil' dude. He's super handy and he knocks down Skultulas for me. <3. Eventually I spotted a weird concoction across the way. My first reaction was, hey, that's a funky boss door. I wonder what the boss key looks like? HMMMM.... Oh. Right. Totally not what I was expecting, but as soon as I saw the Golden Carving I remembered that THAT is how things go down in Skyward Sword. And let me tell you, I felt like my arm was having a spazzattack as I tried inserting that thing into the...hole. Like, I didn't know my wrist could contort to those sorts of angles. But alas, I eventually succeeded and wandered into the golden gates of awesome. Or so I thought. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Ghir...Ghira...Ghiramim? Ghirahim? Yeah. The one thing you need to know about this asshat is that he is a bastard. Yes, an asshat-bastard is exactly what he is. (But I'll get more into that later.) So, this is the guy responsible for starting that tornado and cock-blocking Link--because he was totally going to be getting some that night--which is reason enough to want to murder him. He calls himself the "Demon Lord" who presides over the surface. Apparently Link was supposed to be torn apart in the tornado (asshat-bastard) and I believe Ghirahim said that Link's existence didn't matter either way. SO, looks like homeboy has no idea who Link is. According to Ghirahim, Zelda was almost within grasp until the Goddess's assistant saved her...or something. That pissed him off and he even threw a little bitchfit while telling Link about it. It was cute and fitting for an asshat-bastard. Yadda yadda yadda. Eventually he shut up and we fought. How did the fight go, you ask? Here. This should sum everything up in a nutshell. Sighsighsigh. I wasn't used to the menus yet, and I needed to heal myself. As soon as I finally figured out how to switch to my potions (it's a swipe motion, btw, you don't need to press anything to select it!) Asshat-Bastard flung missiles at me aaaaaaand...I croaked. Died. You guys, I don't die in Zelda games. I never died during Ocarina of Time. I don't think I died during Twilight Princess. I did die a lot during A Link to the Past...BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT! ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. I promptly started the battle again...and the first thing I did was accidentally drink my health potion. Great. So there I was, about to ensue in an epic battle except I didn't have anything to use if I, you know, was about to die again. But alas. I was a badass (scuze me while I toot my own horn...I don't do it often) and I killed him with ease. The bastard never laid a hand on Link. YEAH! What what WHATTTTT.
After he vanished (why do they always do that?) I proceeded through a door and was greeted by the Skyview Spring. I was told by the Goddess that out that Zelda had already been there (but just how she got there, who the hell knows? She must have some epic air-floatation device. Like an air balloon. Or her Loftwing. I DON'T KNOW AND IT CONFUSES ME) and in the spring she "purified" her body. Yeah she did.
According to Fi, there is a 97% chance Zelda has headed to Eldin's Spring, where she needs to purify her body another time. Then she should be good to go.
With mah brand spankin' new Ruby Tablet in hand, it sounds like my next destination is Eldin!!!
November 29th, 2011: Motion Controls Suck.I started off this thang by visiting the demon in Skyloft and giving him 15 gratitude crystals, and was graciously rewarded with a medium wallet and a heart piece. Now, I don't think I talked about this demon in my last log, but he's the dude who apparently "kidnapped" that Kikiel girl, but it turns out this demon is the fruitiest demon of all time. Like, he's super polite and not scary at all. And here I thought I would finally get my bout of twisted violence in Skyward Sword.... After that, though, I dove through the cloud-vagina and made my way to Eldin Volcano, where I was quickly greeted by these two mole/rat creatures called Mogmas. To be honest, they kind of remind me of sleazy men you'd find at a bar. Anyway, Moblins have been harassing these digging creatures, taking over their territory, and because I am Link I am obligated to give a damn. As I explored the volcano, several Mogmas mentioned to Link that another human dressed in black had recently passed through. Unless Zelda went all emo on me (hey, who could blame her?) chances were that it was a different person. Next, I was introduced to the bomb flowers. Oh, motion controls. I need a soapbox for you. Ahem. Now, there are two ways to allow these bomb flowers to leave Link's hands. You can either point the Wiimote UP and flick it forward to have him throw the bomb (which works pretty well) OR, OR, some instances require you to roll the bomb flower by pointing the Wiimote down and basically bowl with it. Now. I was playing Zelda on my couch today, like all other days. The only exception to today was that I had a KILLER chiropractic appointment last night and it tore my back a new asshole. I was hurting, and hurting bad. So, every time I tried to "bowl" a bomb flower I had to sit up, scoot my ass to the edge of my couch, make sure my ottoman wasn't in the way and bowl my bomb flower. Half of the time it didn't even work that well because I was in such an uncomfortable position. Now, take that rage and pile it on top of the other rage fit I had moments earlier when I was trying to gain access to a goddess cube and other random treasure, but couldn't because THE FREE FALLING MOTION CONTROLS FOR LINK ARE SO FUGGIN' WONKY. Seriously, they are terrible. It's the worst thing ever. I had to skip out on treasure because the motion controls are EFFING NERD RAGE INDUCING. Whew. Stepping off of the box now... Eventually I came into contact with the mystery person. To me, dude looks like a Shiekah. Or "he" could be a chick. Hard to tell. The Sheikah race swears to protect the royal family at any cost, so I supppooooose it makes sense that they're coming out of the woodwork and saying "OHAI" right about now. He/She/it told me to move forward. Well, duh Mr/Miss/It Sheikah. =__=. Man. I shouldn't have went on that bomb flower rage. Now I'm a little irritated at the world. <3. I found another Mogma bitching about the Moblins, so I pwn'd all of them and was rewarded with dig gloves. Now I can dig in those arse-hole looking spots in the ground and find rupees and ish. What this ultimately means, however, is that I must now backtrack so I can dig in all of those previous arse-hole looking spots I'd seen prior to receiving the dig gloves. The next thing of...significance...I came across was the game Thrill Digger---which kind of sounds like Mine Sweeper, but with rupees and bomb flowers. I was tempted to give it a go, but I had heard it's extremely addicting and I didn't have that many rupees, so I passed and instead shot the ore on the walls of the room. Easy profit, CHYEAH! In order to enter the temple and "save" Zelda yadda yadda yadda I had to find five pieces of a broken key, using dowsing. Do I sense a pattern here? I think I do. Once I found all five, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I didn't have to contort my wrist in order to get the key to fit the slot. Helllooo Earth Temple!!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN...
December 22nd, 2011: Zelda Game Log SNAFUYou may have noticed that the Game Log section of my website has been a little…erm…let’s say “dry” and “shriveled”. But here’s the thang-a-lang: I’ve been playing Zelda: Skyward Sword. In fact, at least half a day every weekend is dedicated to it. (Unfortunately I can’t say the same about Batman: Arkham City. I swear to God I juggle too many projects.) So while my Game Log is dry and shriveled, we both know it should be plump and dripping with wetness. Also, give me a moment to virtually slap myself for just writing that. The truth is, writing about Skyward Sword has been tough lately because I’ve…I’ve...I’ve been playing it with another person. ...DON’T LEAVE ME! I still love you, it’s not you it’s me, I should have told you sooner, etc., etc. And because I am playing with someone (meaning our asses on are on the same couch, staring at the same screen) I can’t be a douchenozzle and constantly stop the game in order to take notes and pictures. “WHOA WHOA! Do you see that rock over there? That totally looks bombable. LET ME TAKE A PICTURE!!!” ::scribbling notes:: ::sound of pictures being taken:: Yeaaaah. So, I’m in a quandary. I can either continue the log from where I left off--which is WAY back at Eldin Volcano--and utilize that save file (in essence replay EVERYTHING) or make a giant epic summary blog wrapping up my progress from Eldin Volcano to my current position. The latter is more enticing since I barely have time to wipe my ass anymore, let alone start playing Skyward Sword over from the Earth Temple. Anyway, this is just more of an FYI to all of you awesome people out there. If you learned anything from this blog post, I hope it’s that I am a pervert who really needs to get her mind out of the gutter. I mean it. It’s there 24/7. “So while my Game Log is dry and shriveled, we both know it should be plump and dripping with wetness” …ugh.
December 27th, 2011: Skyward Sword Rant #1: LocationsSkyward Sword…oh, Skyward Sword. Me and you, we have issues. While I will not deny the hours of entertainment you have provided, I cannot ignore the sour, rotten Deku Nut-esque taste I have in my mouth. To commence this bitching, I would like to start with one of your most annoying flaws.
THE REPETITIVE LOCATIONS NEED TO DIEOne of my biggest gripes about Dragon Age 2 was the lack of unique scenery throughout the game. It was extremely frustrating because it felt like the developers half-assed the level creation by coming up with four or five different layouts and recycled them during the 40+ hour experience. Perhaps this scenario sounds familiar to those of you balls-deep in Skyward Sword? The lack of new and innovative locations to explore in this game makes me want to yank out every strand of hair on my body. I’ve seen enough of the forest. I’ve seen enough of the volcano, and for the love of God, I’ve seen enough of the desert. So when I finally reached the Gate of Time within the woods I was thrilled that I might finally be whooshed off into a fresh setting to adventure in. I fantasized about exploring an ancient land filled with new monsters, locations and races to discover. Unfortunately that fantasy was short-lived. As soon as I walked through the Gate of Time and was immersed into the past I found I couldn't leave the Sealed Temple, let alone the generic area of the woods. Within five minutes I was instructed to go back to my original time, back to Skyloft (the most boring and stagnant town ever) and it was there that I learned I needed to go back to the woods (for the third time, I might add). Now that I've spent my third freakin’ tour in these effin' woods it has become evident I won’t be getting that new location in Skyward Sword I've been hoping for. Nope. Instead I’ll spend the majority of the remainder of the game in locations I’ve already spent the majority of the game in. Sigh. Ocarina of Time may have set the bar far too high for other Zelda titles. I find myself constantly comparing the two, and I know it’s not fair, but I can’t help it. Within Ocarina of Time you could explore Kokiri Forest, Lake Hylia, Death Mountain, Kakariko Village, Zora’s Domain, Goron City, Lon Lon Ranch, Gerudo Valley and the entirety of Hyrule field. In Skyward Sword you have—drumroll please---Skyloft, Pumpkin Landing, those goddamn woods, a volcano area, a desert and, let's not forget, a sky that feels barren and empty.
January 5th, 2012: An Overdue UpdateWell, I can’t avoid it any longer. I’m going to attempt to update my Skyward Sword game log---over a month’s worth of ishnit---in one entry. (Pssst: this is when you give me a “GODSPEED!” and watch me suffer.) I entered Sky Keep—the final dungeon—a few days ago, but unfortunately my head was le-pounding and I couldn’t muster up the wisdom, power and courage to continue any further. (Also, see what I did thare? Of course you did, you smart bastard.) Therefore I’ve visited each location three times (each location meaning the forest, desert and volcano) and completed their respective dungeons and annoying fetch quests. I’ve really enjoyed the dungeon layouts. In fact, I’d say the Skyward Sword dungeons are some of my favorite. They stay true to the typical Zelda formula, but they kick it up a notch by requiring the player not only to use the “item of the dungeon” but also the equipment acquired in prior dungeons. There have been several instances where I’ve found myself scratching my non-existent beard in front of a seemingly impossible puzzle, only to whip out my inventory and use an item I came by at the beginning of the game. Props for that! As far as motion controls go, I’d say I’ve become 86.32% accustomed to ‘em. There have been a few instances when I’d rather, you know, NOT have to jack-off the Wiimote (a very stressful failure I suffered during one of the trials comes to mind. WHY do I have to shake the Wiimote to quickly hop up a ladder?! Under that kind of stress I can’t concentrate on waggling it *just right*. CURSE YOU!). But I’m definitely not as roid-ragey as I was before. They took some getting used to, and over the course of the game I’ve, well, gotten used to them. Speaking of controls, I mentioned this on an earlier post, but I’ve been playing Skyward Sword differently than most people. The game isn’t designed to be co-op, but that’s exactly how a friend and I have been playing this bad boy. My buddy controls Link’s movement (aka the nunchuck) and I control everything else on the Wiimote. I know it sounds ludicrous, but trust me when I say it works EXTREMELY well and we’ve been doin’ it this way shortly after the SandShip. TRY IT. Overall, I find that Skyward Sword has its ups and downs. I <3 the dungeon layouts and the creative use of the inventory, but the lack of new locations to explore makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out. I mean, hey, THERE ISN’T A HECKUVA LOT TO SEE ANYWAY. Also, WTF is up with the decision to axe the fishing?!! GAHHH!! It’s like, here I am in the middle of this HUGE lake/pond/whatever, and I can physically see fish swimming around but I can’t catch them?! Hell I even broke out my bug net in a failed attempt to participate in the act of fishation. u_U The story itself is pretty cut and dry. Apparently through the act of collecting musical tadpoles and such I have proven myself to be the true Hero of Time. Now I need to find the Triforce before the bad guys do. My main “B” Zelda has locked herself in some chamber in the past (this is the part when you can tell I haven’t taken any notes) in order to prevent Demise from…uh, breaking out of some seal…in the past? But in an interesting twist (I’m not sure if this information has been revealed in any of the prior titles) Zelda is actually the Goddess Hylia reincarnated. So, like, Lake Hylia is named after this bitch. Pretty cool. Aaaad that’s all I remember. …I am so Wikipedia’ing this ish after I beat it.
January 10th, 2012: I have defeated you.Oh my God you guys…for the first time in months I’ve actually finished a game! I know, I know. It’s mind-blowing. In fact, the world probably stopped spinning for a few moments when I completed Nintendo’s latest …well, I really want to insert “masterpiece” here simply because it would flow well, buuut y’know. I wouldn’t be true to myself if I did that. As suspected, Sky Keep was the last dungeon (or temple, whatever) in the game and it actually turned out to be one of my favorites! In particular I really liked the layout of the dungeon. Instead of the dungeon being a smooth, flowing room-to-room shindig it was in the form of one of those slider puzzles—meaning the entire dungeon was broken into little squares and you had the God-like ability to move each piece around, directly impacting and affecting the areas you could explore. Also: I don’t care how simple it was meant to be, that was a brainfuck in itself. I’ve always hated those types of puzzles. Sky Keep was also the first dungeon that made me feel (somewhat) like a badass. It only took, what, six dungeons but I was finally presented with challenging battles. GO AHEAD, MOBLINS! RAIN YOUR FIRE ARROWS DOWN UPON ME WHILST I BATTLE EPIC SKELETONS! Yeah. You could say I was walking around with my chest puffed out after that one. But the greatest thing about Sky Keep was that it allowed me to FINALLY GET MY HANDS ON THE TRIFORCE!!! My inner 10-year-old self--who has read every Ocarina of Time Triforce rumor to grace the interwebs--was geeking out so hard. These weren’t shards like in Wind Waker, oh no. These were legit pieces. FINALLY!!! There wasn’t a head-honcho boss to defeat upon completion of the Sky Keep (the entire point is to track down the Triforce pieces) and after collecting all three, Link prayed to the Goddess Hylia to trap The Imprisoned. Aaaand the entire Keep sorta-kinda fell out of the sky and on top of the Imprisoned below. HA! I was reveling in the fact that I wouldn’t have to fight that bastard for a fourth time. After all, his veiny toes were disgusting. Because The Imprisoned was destroyed, Zelda broke out of her cocoon-like rock crystal placenta thing and a sappy reunion ensued between her, Link, Groose and Impa. Dawwww. But it was inevitably cut short when Ghirahim decided to stay true to typical villain lore and interrupt. Because The Imprisoned was toast, he figured he could kidnap Zelda, take her to the past and revive Demise by using her life force. Lovely. Ghirahim snatched Zelda (while everyone gave a half-ass attempt at stopping him…JUST SAYING) and took her through the Gate of Time. Being the studly Hylian that I am, I followed. Now, the fight that ensued with Ghira-whatever was frustrating because the Goddess Shield had busted while trying to reach him at the bottom of the Sealed Grounds (where he had already started the ritual of draining Zelda’s life force) aaand a busted shield made the battle with him rather difficult. Actually, I’d say it made it more frustrating. See, at one point you need to thrust your sword into his chest in order to defeat him. Okay, no biggie, except he has a sword which he uses to vigorously block your attacks. We figured he needed to be stunned first which would cause him to drop his guard, allowing us to perform the aforementioned act of sword-thrustation. (Remember this is all being done cooperatively, meaning a friend was controlling the movement of Link and I was controlling everything else.) Okay, but how do you stun this fucker when you don’t have a shield? After trying almost every tactic, I gave in and looked at the guide book. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE GUIDE BOOK TOLD ME? It told me a shield was absolutely necessary in order to defeat Ghira-asshat. Freaking out, I checked the internet. Internet, I love you. The internet assured me all I had to do was knock the sword out of his hand. Ugggh. That was a pain in the ass, but with a few carefully done waggles he was defeated in a minute or two. But it was too late; during the battle enough of Zelda’s life force had been drained and Demise was being resurrected. FFFFUUUUU…. AND with that, ladies and gentlemen I will wrap this log up. Look for part two (or something) soon!!
January 12th, 2012: Wrappin' it up!
WARNING! SPOILERS FOR SKYWARD SWORD BELOW!Don’t you just adore it when you spend the entirety of a videogame trying to prevent something from happening, yet it happens anyway? Right at the end? And then you’re like, shat muffins. You could have saved me all of this trouble by just allowing what was inevitably going to happen, happen. But I suppose this is the case for most, if not all, videogame storylines. ::cue crazy hand gestures:: Oooh, some big bad dude is going to steal my princess/take over the world/destroy the UNIVERSE! But I, the chosen, valiant hero, will spend roughly 40 hours trying to prevent this evil wrongdoing and make things right! Towards the end of my adventure, I know the bad guy will get REEEAALLY close to succeeding, but then I’ll just pwn him in a battle. And such was the case with Skyward Sword. But I’m not complaining. I’ve become very fond of this familiar formula. <3. Demise was ultimately resurrected and this time was “reborn” in his true form. Which is a good thing, because I was sick of fighting that rubbery-toed sloth abomination he had become in the present time period. Anyway, one of the first things he did was turn Ghirahim into his, erm…. sword. But instead of challenging me right then and there (with his newfound, fruity sword) he decided to be a good sport and allow me to, you know, stock up on heart potions and fairies and such. What a great guy, that Demise. (No, I mean it. That battle with Ghira-what’s-his-butt really sucked and my bottles were dry as a bone.) After I was all lubed up and rarin’ to go I confronted Demise in a battle that looked epic, but was frustrating as FUCK because no matter how erect my skyward sword was (you know I did that on purpose) I couldn’t get the lightning to transfer to it half of the time. Which is kiiinda required to defeat that Demise bastard. But alas, after two failed attempts he was down for the count. He then swore his hatred would be reincarnated (OHAI, Ganondorf) and that it will haunt the descendants of Link and Zelda for all time. He then peaced. And by “peaced” I mean his consciousness was transferred into the Master Sword. The Master Sword was placed back into the pedestal, Fi went into a deep sleep, the old woman at the Sealed Grounds revealed herself to be Impa aaaand Zelda decided she wanted to stay in Hyrule. I think that pretty much wraps all of the storyline ish up. Now, I’ve already made my frustrations about the game very public, so I won’t beat a dead horse. But I want to talk about DEM CUTSCENES. Never have I seen the Zelda characters so animated and lively. It was never a question how Link was feeling—whether he was happy, sad, determined or confused---it was always blatantly plastered on his face. (I must point out that Link looked sexy whenever he was pissed off. And isn’t that what every girl wants? A guy that’s super sweet, but a badass, and will traverse temples and defeat dark evil lords for her. Be still, my beating heart.) And y’know? I have to admit the art style really grew on me. Everything was so vibrant. Now that I’m thinking about it, there wasn’t much darkness in this game---art, story and characters alike. Even Ghirahim was very...animated and colorful. The only dark character I can think of was Demise and his other form, The Imprisoned. In a nutshell, I think Skyward Sword did some things very well (dungeons, cut scenes, animations) but I feel like with more detail this game really could have blown my friggen’ socks off. What would I like to see from the next Zelda game? - Removal of the gratitude crystals, or at least a change-up. I like the concept of doing side-quests for personal advancement (bigger wallet, heart pieces, etc), and I understand this was sorta-kinda supposed to be like the Golden Skulltula system. So if it’s left in, I’d like for it to be tweaked. Instead of having players partake in little fetch quests for five gratitude crystals, provide a variety of quests for varying amounts of crystals. A difficult quest, should I accept, will provide me with more crystals than an easier quest. So if I really want that extra-super-duper wallet I’ll have to work for it. - Bring back the fishing and Cuccos. What needs to be said? Fishing and Cuccos are just staples in the Zelda franchise. Sometimes I just feel like taking a break from the main quest and fishing. And other times I feel like being raped by chickens. So what? - More villages. Now that I know the story, I understand why Skyloft was the only “town” above the clouds, but why couldn’t there have been a Goron village or Kikwi village in Hyrule? I would have loved to play some fun, themed minigames, talk to characters, partake in some varied side quests…and just learn more about the race so I actually give a crap. - Dark tones. I can’t even count how many times I’ve said this: I want another dark, depressing Zelda game. No, I’m not emo nor do I cut my wrists, but I LOVED the dark tones with Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask and Twilight Princess. I know it’d be a push to ask for a Mature rating, but I’d settle for another Teen! - A huge-ass Hyrule to explore. Make it biiiiiig. I want to get lost in the field while searching for heart pieces, collectables and other things. Oh, and give me a horse. Preferably name it Alistair so I can tell my friends, “Yeah. I rode Alistair for hours. It was awesome.” Now to wrap Skyward Sword up, I want to share with you something I wrote 920 days ago, during E3 2009: "No new Zelda footage OR news since that one bs quote: "The zelda team is working hard blah blah blah." E3 was looking good, but now I'm holding onto my hopes of a PS3 price drop! UGH! So Miyamoto is having a roundtable discussion at 6. Let's be realistic here: it might be Zelda (IGN and Reggie said something big might get announced) but if anything, maybe we'll get a mention, a trailer? Or maybe he will drag everyone to the theatre and show off Link's hottness." HAHAHAHA. The roundtable I mentioned was where Miyamoto revealed the following photo: