Mass Effect 3

March 9th, 2012: I came

HEEEEEEEEEELLO, Mass Effect 3! OMGOMGOMG. Dudes, you have no idea how hard it is to be writing this post right now. I should have, like, Mass Effect 3 blasting on my TV and a controller should be in my hand. But alas, I am being a good girl and starting my ME3 log.

Last I heard there was an issue with importing characters, and I’m glad I know, because my original FemShep looked NOTHING like this. NOTHING! Honestly I had a minor freak-out for a few moments, but whatever. It was the perfect time for a makeover; she’s now a hot blonde!

OKAY!

So, Earth is pretty much getting pwn’d by Reapers. Unfortunate. HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, all is well because within the first 30 minutes…

HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLO MISTER MAN!!! Oh, God. The things I will do to you. You’re now so…studly. So HD-esque. SO ASSERTIVE.

…fawk it. I’m playing ME3 right now. This log can wait.

March 9th, 2012: My Friends. <3.

Here’s the thing about maintaining a log for a game like Mass Effect 3: Because the game is so freakin’ good you get freakin’ hooked all you want to do is freakin’ PLAY, not stop to take photos—let alone notes—aaaand therefore your log kind of falters. Kind of goes limp, if you nah’mean. Like a boner-kill.

You guys, I want to mate with Mass Effect 3. I want to lay it down on a cozy, soft rug by a crackling fireplace do ungodly things to it. But seeing as Mass Effect 3 isn’t anything more than plastic and two discs, I may have to settle for just caressing the case. Oh well.

I’m not sure how many hours I’ve put into the game thus far, but I have a pretty good grasp on the story. The Reapers have come to partake in a lovely act of genocide–which occurs every 50,000 years or so—with the intent of wiping out all sentient life across the galaxy.

<3.

Shepard was on Earth when shit hit the fan, so she peaced out and went to Mars. There she found Cerberus going after Liara, because blueprints of a Prothean-made Reaper-killer there aaaaand everyone wants them because they can, like, destroy Reapers, and that’s always good. Anyway, long story short I’m now semi-fighting against Cerberus in order to collect Prothean artifacts that can tell us more about…stuff. (We don’t know what Cerberus wants or what their motives are—the Illusive Man hinted at controlling the Reapers?) Ultimately, my goal is to reunite the galaxy. Isn’t that cute?

Let’s talk about the real meat-n-taters of this game, the characters!

Kaidan: Oh, Kaidan. You cocktease. One moment you’re fighting by my side and the next you’re getting beat to a pulp by Cerberus doctors. This, in turn, causes you to be laid up in critical condition at the local Citadel hospital. WAY TO GO. But for realizes, Kaidan has come a long way since ME1. He’s more assertive, studly, confident…I…I think I’m in love…

DAWWWWW.

Like I said, though, he’s currently in a hospital. He’s no longer battered and bruised—he’s actually on his feet—but he’s unsure whether he’ll return to the Normandy or not now that he’s a HIGH AND MIGHTY SPECTRE. Ahem. Listen here, Mass Effect folk. I did not remain faithful to Kaidan in ME2 only for him to remain a booty call on the Citadel in ME3. I mean, although James is kind of a meathead I’d totally hit his shit. But I’m being a good girl and remaining faithful to my digital boyfriend. REWARD ME.

Although we did talk about what happened on Horizon. He said, “All you need to know is I’m not seeing anybody and that I still care.” DAWWWW. Okay, fine, you silly biotic, you. You win. <3.

Garrus: I freakin’ love this Turian. If only he didn’t look like post-apocalyptic cricket who had survived a nuclear holocaust…

Garrus is still the same ol’ Garrus. I ran into him on Palaven’s moon while protecting the Patriarch. I think he and Shepard have the best interactions out of all of the characters; the conversations are mostly packed with dry humor and dare I say, some sexual tension? Anyway, Garrus has a father and sister on Palaven. Hopefully there will be a mission to save those two! It would also be interesting to see Garrus end up as the Patriarch. It could make for a nice ending to his story…

Liara: I’ve never really had much of an attachment towards Liara (minus that one time in ME1 I almost romanced her—EEK!) but I gotta give the blue bitch props; she’s definitely become much more of a badass since ME1, which was evident from our brief interaction in ME2. She’s now the top information trader in the galaxy, and she’s a Reaper know-it-all. Well, I’m willing to bet she knows more than anyone else.

James: James, James, James…why do you call me Lola? You’re a weirdo. He’s a very stereotypical character—all muscle and, well, he has a brain but I don’t think he uses it very often; a true meathead, not to mention he, ahem, packs a lot of meat on his body. I don’t think I’d ever “romance” him unless he shows off a vastly different side of his personality. Until then, I’ll *try* to remain “friends”, but I have a feeling I’ll eventually cross the line. I tend to do that…

EDI: I want Joker and EDI to make babies. Is that a possibility? Anyway, I need to take her out on the battlefield now that she has a body—she’s so much spiffier and I fully intend to give her as many, uh, humanly experiences as possible. Um. This just got weird.

Jack: I ran into Jack while saving biotic students from Cerberus bastards. She’s apparently a teacher now, and cares a LOT about her students. Have I mentioned she looks more badass than ever!?! God Ilove her manly personality. Hemhem that may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I believe I have a manly personality…

I’m not sure if she’ll ever join the crew—right now she’s listed as a War Asset or something, but it’d be nice to have her aboard. Actually, she might be aboard. I haven’t even looked. /TerribleCommander

Miranda: I met Miranda at the docking station on the Citadel. I don’t really know what her intention was other than to tell me she thinks her father has done something with her sister. She also mentioned that she was running away from the Illusive Man. For some reason I don’t trust her. But I will thank Bioware for the awesome ass-shot they provided. Which I cannot provide for you because I was too mesmerized to take a photo. <3.

I think that about covers the characters! The next main mission is to have the meeting-thing between the Turians, Salarians and Krogans. Hopefully I’ll run into Wrex or Grunt!

March 19th, 2012: I came

This log will cover the past, oh, week or so of progress I’ve made. You see, ladies and gentlemen, the Blonde Nerd is so enamored by Mass Effect that all she does is drool on her controller and fantasize about making sweet, passionate outside-space love to Kaidan Alenko. OH. But Kaidan Alenko like, NEVER shows his stupid face anymore. Oooh no. Now that he’s a Spectre he’s too good for me. But I was good enough while he was hospitalized, wasn’t I?! I ASKED WASN’T I, KAIDAN ALENKO!?!?!!!!

Ahem.

I’ve spent most of my time running around the Citadel completing side quests. Here’s a screenshot of current missions, taken about a week, week and a half ago. I’ve crossed out the ones I’ve completed since.

The “Hanar Diplomat” mission is currently bugged and I can’t finish the mission; I spent about a half an hour searching every single terminal in the Citadel, only to find out, like I said, the mission is bugged. Talk about an instant limp dick. That’s time I could have spent searching for my estranged digital-boyfriend.

Once those side-quests were out of the way, I headed to the rachni relay where I MET UP WITH GRUNT <3333. He’s head of Aralakh Company and he’s the cutest Krogan EVERRRRRR. Seriously, if I could hug him without him killing me I would totally do it. Anyway, There were reports of rachni soooo we had to figure out WTF was going on nahm’sayin?

Ultimately I found out the Reapers were fawkin’ with the rachni queen I saved way back in…ME1? Or was that ME2? I can’t friggen’ remember. Of course she had to borrow a Krogan corpse in order to relay her message. That kind of shit always freaks me out.

Yeah. That was the first tough call I’ve had to make in ME3, but I let her die. In the end, asset wise, I think it all evens out. I have Aralakh company AND Grunt since I completed his loyalty mission in ME2. If I hadn’t completed his loyalty mission he wouldn’t have survived his lil’ suicide-jaunt he decided to go on RIGHT before leaving the rachni relay. You’re welcome, dude.

I then messed around on the Normandy:

Um, yes please.

I can NEVER keep my fish alive.

The next mission on my list was Priority: Tuchanka. I was super stoked about curing the genophage! Poor Krogans. But uhhh unfortunately that mission did NOT go smoothly. AT ALL.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

DAMMIT! Bah, Bioware! Why did you have to kill of Mordin?! Okay, I know there are a few ways to prevent his death, but the outcomes of doing so don’t sound pretty. It looks like one of the options is to have Mordin delay administering the cure until the Reaper threat is over, but THAT decision will lead to the ultimate death of Wrex. I know it was the right thing to do (and honestly I don’t remember ever seeing the option to prevent Mordin from sacrificing himself) but I’m still a very sad panda. At least EVE survived thanks to Maelon’s data.

Random thought:

Shepard is so going to die. Not only did she tell Hackett she would “protect earth or die trying” Liara asked Shepard how she’d like history to remember her. HELLO, RED FLAG! Also, thanks Liara. I even helped you find your “father” and everything.

Liara…meet your…father.

Now, I don’t know what’s in store. I haven’t checked my e-mail, quest log or anything.

All I know is the Dalatrass ain’t gonna be happy about this.

March 23rd, 2012: AGAIN: BAAAAAAH!!

As expected, Mr. Dalatrass wasn’t very happy about Mordin sacrificing himself for the krogan. But I think he’s going about it the wrong way! I’m sure the krogran will take into consideration that it was a salarian scientist who not only cured the genophage, but sacrificed himself to do it. Therefore they won’t, you know, try to slaughter the entire salarian race. I think things will be peachy as long as Wrex is in charge. But from what I’ve heard, Wreav isn’t such a peach. I don’t know if I’ve actually come across him yet…

Speaking of Wrex, I love his first line in this email: “Making babies again will be fun.” Yes it will Wrex, yes it will. Just like, don’t overdo it. Poor females. And—potentially—poor universe!

I was aimlessly wandering around the Normandy post-mission to see what was going on (like I normally do) and I was rewarded so hard. You see, I practically live for character interaction (which is why I’m so obsessed with Bioware games) so when I ran into Garrus and Joker exchanging, ahem, racist jokes on the Normandy I squee’d like a lunatic fangirl. If I hadn’t walked in, I never would have seen this—it’s something Bioware threw in just because they’re awesome. I later saw Garrus and James talking smack as well.

I was getting ready to land on the Citadel, with no intention of diving into a mandatory mission (I had some post-mission wandering to do!) wheeeen I was informed by Thane via com that the Citadel was under attack by Cerberus. Ooooof course it was. So I threw on my hero armor and got ready to pwn a noob—which I did. I pwn’d many a noobs. Unfortunately I also found Commander Bailey injured. Now, I like Bailey’s character, so seeing him hurt made me hurt. :/

Okay, not really. That last sentence was for a dramatic effect.

I continued on. I can’t quite remember why, but I know Cerberus already murdered the executor. Whatever his role was. I don’t freakin’ know these things. Anyway, Udina was behind all of this and he was trying to sell the Council out so Cerberus could take over the Citadel. The other members of the council had no clue, however, and Udina was still with them—being guarded by Kaidan. (WHO I HADN’T SEEN IN FOR-FREAKING-EVER!) I eventually found The Dalatrass by himself (who had originally told me Udina was bad-news-bears) and he was about to get his salarian ass kicked by this ninja-assasin dude I’d never met. BUT Thane showed up just in time (that sneaky drell) and was able to distract the assassin and cause him to flee—not before he stabbed Thane.

Thanks, dude. THANKS BIOWARE. You’re just dropping my favorite characters left and right, you bastards.

I ultimately caught up with Kaidan and the rest of the Council. I drew my gun on Udina, and Kaidan drew his on me. I totally understand it looked bad, but really, Kaidan? You bastard. THIS IS HOW YOU GREET ME AFTER MANY LONELY NIGHTS ON THE NORMANDY.

I was finally able to convince Kaidan that Udina was the bad dude. But it didn’t take much convincing after Udina ran for one of the futuristic car shuttle things on the Citadel and tried to peace out while waving a gun around. Yeaaaah. I then had the renegade option to kill Udina, but I decided to let Kaidan do it. After all, he needs some brownie points. Freakin’ drawing a gun on me…psssh….

The scene switched to the ninja assassin broseph who, not suprisingly, is in cahoots with the Illusive Man. It turns out ninja assassin broseph has a name, Kai Leng. According to Captain Anderson, he’s had many run-ins with him. Miranda has too. THIS SHOULD BE FUN. =___=

I was then given freedom to wander the Citadel. Thank God, because I had a butt-load of missions to turn in. HOWEVER. How-freaking-ever, my first stop was the hospital, where I had to say goodbye to Thane. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! At least I was able to say “Ohai” to Kolyat, Thane’s son, who I hadn’t seen since Mass Effect 2. Kolyat came to donate blood to Thane, but apparently it wasn’t going to do any good. We read a prayer together aaaand…Thane died. WTFBBQ.

Again, thanks, Bioware.

April 4th, 2012: Well, I almost blew it again.

I think Bioware is trying to tear Kaidan and I apart. Not only do they cocktease me with limited appearances by this man I’m supposed to be faithful to, they then throw a woman in my cabin and give me the option of showering with her.

Let me rewind.

So Kaidan and I, you know, have this thing. In fact, we just confessed our undying love for each other. (Don’t be jelly, brah.) But before that momentous milestone, I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I had been getting innocent pleasure out of chit-chatting with my crew aboard the Normandy. I HAD TO FILL THAT VOID SOMEHOW. /cry

One night I received an email from Specialist Traynor.

Ahem. Now to me, this screams “BOOTY CALL!” I mean, c’mon. If this was IRL and someone texted me that they wanted a night of “fun and games” AND alcohol, I’d know what I was in for.

I headed up to my cabin and invited her up, but I was determined to turn this into a “friends only” event. Not a “friends with benefits” event — because let’s face it — those hardly turn out well, and things were already complicated enough between Kaidan and I. When Traynor finally decided to haul her ass up to my cabin we started the evening with friendly chit-chat; she complimented my cabin (though I’m sure she was talking about another type of “cabin”, if you nah’msayin) and THEN, just like I expected, she dropped the ball.

She told me she really liked my shower.

Okay. I quickly realized where this was heading. She continued rambling on about something else, but I wasn’t paying attention. At that moment, if I possessed the ability to stick my being into Shepard’s, I would have ran out of that damn cabin screaming. But alas, I was merely presented with two dialogue choices:

I could either offer her a shower, or I could reply to whatever the fuck she was saying with a “That’s it?” But here’s the thing: like I said, I didn’t know what Traynor was talking about and WHY it would instigate a “That’s it?” response from Shepard. What if Traynor had admitted that all she wanted to do was play some games? Or have a drink? Responding with a “That’s it?” would definitely be like saying, “Bitch please. I know you didn’t drag your ass up here for some Checkers and Jack. Let’s get down to business.”

BUT on the other hand, if I offered her a shower that’s would definitely be sending the wrong message. Or would it? I mean, people can shower without engaging in the nasty, right? I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

After many minutes of contemplating, I went to Google.

And, thanks to Google, I was able to work things out so that they remained friendly between us; I was able to avoid any potential scissoring and/or other sexual acts with Traynor, thus keeping the flame between Kaidan and I still alive.

::shakes fist:: I worked too damn hard to keep you, Alenko! FOR TWO GAMES I WAS FAITHFUL TO YOUR ASS! That’s, like, over sixty hours of commitment!

Damn. This relationship with Kaidan is starting to become more stressful than IRL relationships. ;)

April 14th, 2012: So, 13 days ago…

I’ve been dedicating as much time to Mass Effect 3 as I can, but when it comes to dedicating time to blog about my experiences, well that’s a WHOLE ‘nother story. BUT NEVER FEAR (because I know you fear’d), I took many-a-photos of the gaming session that took place 13 days ago, which is where I left off in my log.

After almost boinking Specialist Taylor (good GOD) my mission was to investigate an Ardat-Yakshi monastery. Apparently some shit was going down and it was my duty to see wtf those crazy Asari were up to. When I arrived I found out that the reapers had been, like, spawning themselves inside Asari bodies, creating these disgusting looking nipple-y abomination things. Or I could refer to them as their real name; banshees. Whatever.

After finding a PDA, I found out that commandos had placed a bomb inside the Great Hall of the monastery in order to KA-BOOM the entire structure. SWEET, right? I mean, whenever there’s a problem the simplest solution is to blow everything up. Anyway, I eventually ran into Samara (Samara the asari, not Samara as in the stringy-haired-creepy girl from The Ring) and she told me she had two daughters, Falere and Rila stationed on the monastery. Apparently Ardat-Yakshi runs in the family. I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME I DEALT WITH YOUR STUPID DAUGHTER, SAMARA!

After killing stuff I ran into Falere. She saw Rila get drug into the Great Hall and had been trying to get in there herself so she could be all heroic and shit. After killing more stuff I made it into the Great Hall, where I saw the bomb and Rila – but Rila had already began succumbing to the Banshee disease (or whatever the hell you want to call it.) Falere, in her failed attempt to be the aforementioned hero, was at her side, trying to wake her up, save her, etc. Instead of waking up, Rila uh, tried to choke Falere. It was kind of awkward. But she then had a moment of sanity and told us to set the bomb and run.

So run we did.

While Rila was being slowly killed by the Banshees, she blew the monastery to pieces. Let me set the scene: Poor Falere’s home was just destroyed, she witnessed mutilation of her people and her sister just sacrificed herself. This sounds like a good moment for Samara to step in as motherly figure and be all “OHAI daughter, never fear, I am here to love and nurture you.”

Instead Samara announces that good ol’ Rila needs to die since she no longer has an Ardat-Yakshi monastery to live at. Because, you know, it was just blown up.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. Oh no. Then she freakin’ drops the “By the Justicar’s code…there is only one way to save Falere” bomb AND SHE PULLS OUT A GUN AND PUTS IT TO HER HEAD. Like, Samara was going to kill herself because if Samara is dead, she won’t have to kill Falere. Thankfully a paragon button-prompt popped up and I was able to stop Samara from blowing her brains out.

Poor Falere. That chick is going to have serious issues.

Anyway, Samara agreed to leave Falere at the destroyed monastery for some reason or another while she goes ahead and concentrates on the Reapers. But when the Reapers are destroyed she’ll come back for Falere. Whatever that means. Hopefully there’s a nice Ardat-Yakshi monastery Falere can go to. Otherwise it’ll be all, “Hey daughter! We saved the galaxy! But uh, now I have to kill you!” ::BANG::

My actions earned me a team of Asari Commandos.

After all was said and done, I got hammered with Dr. Chakwas. Thankfully we did not engage in a sexual relation that would have put my “relationship” with Kaidan at risk. I put relationship in quotes because this is one fugggggg’d up relationship.

Then I met up with Miranda at the Citadel – she won’t tell me what is going on with her sister; the only thing she’s telling me is that her father is involved. Cool story bro. She wanted to meet up because she wanted access to alliance something-or-another, and I gave it to her, but hesitantly. Miranda is acting kinda shady and I know she’ll do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g for her sister. OH. She also confessed to wanting to insert, like a control chip into Shepard while she was being rebuilt in ME2 and that she later regretted the decision. Thanks, brah. I hope this isn’t one of those “let me tell you everything before I suicide all over the place” sort of talks.

Whatchu got in store, Miranda?!

April 18th, 2012: Stupid Quarians.

Freakin’ quarians. I know they have the largest fleet in the galaxy, but c’mon. They’re kinda dumb. “Like, hey! Amidst all of this chaos with the Reapers and such let’s try to take over our home world! OH NO! The Reapers have modified the geth! Now we’re screwed! We can’t help Commander Shepard! EGADS!”

=___= At least I was able to reunite with, ahem, ADMIRAL Tali. From the sounds of it, Tali had hoped for peace between the geth and the quarians (especially with Legion being in the picture) but that went over like a fart in church. Once again it was up to Commander freakin’ Shepard to disable the geth dreadnought–which, by the way, was broadcasting the Reaper control signal from within. No bueno.

I had to solo the mission for a bit until I could find a way to allow the entire team inside the dreadnought. So I was just taking a stroll in space, trying to find a way inside this geth ship. Y’know, space. The very place I died in Mass Effect 2. But it’s cool guys – not like I have PTSD or anything OMG IT’S SO FUCKING SPACEY.

Reminds me of Dead Space!

I finally got my ass (and everyone’s ass) in the dreadnaught, and after blasting a billion and a half geth into Oblivion I ran into my broseph Legion! Unfortunately he was all tied up in Reaper shit. Like, I think he was the central hub or something. I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS TECHNOLOGY WORKS. Anywho, Tali wasn’t sure if we should free him as he “might have sided with the geth”. PSHAW. I freed him without question.

You see, Legion is my homeboy and I will roll wid’him to da end of da EARF! Uh, unfortunately though, that time was almost cut short because THE FREAKIN QUARIAN FLEET BEGAN FIRING UPON THE DREADNAUGHT—THE ONE MY CREW AND I WERE STILL IN–BECAUSE WE DEACTIVATED THE GETH BY FREEING LEGIO SO THEY COULD GET A CLEAR SHOT ON THE DREADNAUGHT. Bastards. But as per the norm, we managed to escape.

I introduced Legion to the admirals, and while skeptical, I think they sorta-kinda accepted him. Did I mention they were skeptical? Legion told us that while we cut off long-rage control of the geth, the Reapers had also placed a base on Rannoch that had short-range control over nearby geth. AND of course these geth were “targeting quarian liveships with attacks that could cripple the quarian fleet” and seeing as how I need that damn fleet for the battle with the Reapers I had to land on Ranoch to disable the Reaper server.

Why can’t anything ever go right? ;)

April 24th, 2012: I ARE PEACEMAKER!!!

Well, this entire play session was dedicated to solving the quarians’ little problems. AGAIN. SURPRISE! /shoots confetti

In order to stop the geth fighter squadrons I had to be, like, uploaded into the server that was controlling them and inside I needed to destroy the reaper code within. It was a neat mission that allowed me to witness some of the geth’s history through their eyes. I’ll say it again: stupid quarians. What arseholes. Poor gethy-poos. All they wanted was to serve their masters, and WHAT DID THEY GET? Death. They received death. In a nice pretty present with a pink bow on top.

After destroying the code with my badass code-destroying gun, I awoke from whatever slumber Legion had put me in and was promptly greeted by dozens of self-aware geth primes. Oh, wonderful. I absolutely hate those fucktards for they are extremely powerful and derive a great amount of pleasure from destroying me. But Legion told me that thanks to my actions we could all now be friends. AKA they’ll help fight the Reapers. Uh, thanks buddy. BUT I’M WATCHING YOU, YOU PRIME BASTARDS!

I headed back to the Normandy and took pride in the fact that my fish are all still alive. This may or may not be because I purchased an automatic fish feeder from the Citadel. >_>

But it was time to head to Rannoch. We located the Reaper base that was controlling the geth, but jamming towers prevented us from “orbital bombardment”. Therefore, true to Mass Effect fashion I needed to land on Rannoch (like, place my two feet on the ground instead of keeping them safe in spaceship) and use a “prototype targeting laser to enable the Normandy to destroy the Reaper base.” WOOHOO! Yeah baby, give me the big guns! ::happy dance::

Tali became all sentimental because for the first time EVAR she was standing in her home world. I humored her for a while like a good commander, but then it was time to blow some shit UPPPPP!!! And I proceeded to do so until I got a nice look at the base I wanted to destroy. MUAHAHAHA—….

….You know that unfortunate moment when you realize the base you just tried to destroy is actually a live Reaper? Man, don’t you just hate it when that happens? It kind of puts a kink into your plans. Because now you have to, like, destroy a Reaper.

So, yeah. I had to partake in an epic laser battle with it. I can’t tell you how many times that damn thing zapped me – WHICH results in instant death — until I realized I needed to lock on with my own “prototype targeting laser”, dodge the reaper’s laser and lock on again until the Normandy, or the fleet, or whatever it was received the lock-on information and spewed missiles at it.

I (somehow) managed to kick its ass.

Love the positive attitude, buddy!

With the Reaper destroyed, one would think everyone would gather around a quaint little campfire on Rannoch and celebrate. But oh no. OH HELL NO. Instead I was immediately faced with a grueling decision.

I could upload the Reaper update program into all geth, which would turn the geth into badass mudda-fuggers. And because the geth can now think and act for themselves they would prove to be fantastical assets to the war effort. Also, the poor geth have never had a chance to actually “live” and their shitty life was all because of the quarians. But if I uploaded the code the Geth would destroy the quarians, which A) Would suck balls B) Did I mention the geth would destroy the quarians? C) Sever my relationship with Tali. On the other hand, if I didn’t upload the code the quarians would wipe out the geth. Legion would hate me. And I’d feel TERRIBLE.

Guys, I sat on my couch for about fifteen minutes while frantically searching the internet and reading my guide book for advice. I about shat myself when I discovered there was a peaceful solution if AND ONLY IF you met very specific requirements. I dug into it further and I read that one of the requirements was that you needed to destroy the Heretics in Mass Effect 2.

I rewrote them.

I WAS FUCKED. FuckedFuckedFucked.

Since I wasn’t going be blessed with the option of chosing the peaceful decision, the only thing I could do was to side with the quarians. I hated the idea of it, but the geth had tried to, you know, kill me before (not their fault, I know) and I had been with Tali since the beginning. I liked Legion, and saw where he was coming from, but it all comes down to favorites.

Well, this was it — I was going to destroy the geth. I squealed, closed my eyes and pressed A. I swear pressing that damn button never felt so wrong in all of my history of button pressing. And I have a pretty extensive history of pressing buttons.

I waited for the sound of explosions, the wailing cry of the burning geth…BUT!!! BUT! OMFG BUT!!!!!!!!!! I WAS GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, DIFFERENT DIALOUGE OPTIONS!!!!!

As it turns out, the option to make a peaceful decision is based off a point system regarding prior decisions. For example, keeping Tali alive Mass Effect 2 earns you two points, but if Tali died in ME2 you won’t earn ANY points, etc. You have to land between the 5-7 point range. Therefore rewriting the Heretics only modified my points; it didn’t screw me over.

I chose to rally the fleet, but even then I was a little worried that the quarians weren’t gonna listen.

But to my surprise, they listened, and with that I ended the quarian/geth war. DAMN I’M GOOD. Or I should say Shepard is good. But I guess I control Shepard therefore I am good to some extent.

Ahem.

Legion then proceeded to commit suicide — something about giving the rest of the geth intelligence – but honestly at this point I’m numb to characters dying off. Seriously. First Mordin, then what’s-his-butt reptile man (SEE I ALREADY FORGOT HIS NAME) OH – Thane, and now Legion. They’re dropping like friggen’ flies.

A big ol’ honkin’ Geth Prime stomped over to all of us and invited the quarians to live on Rannoch with the geth. Now if that doesn’t cause warm and fuzzy feelings to brew inside your innards I don’t know what will.

…What? Warm and fuzzy feelings DIDN’T brew inside your innards? What if I told you the geth are going to team up with me against the Reapers? No? What if I told you Tali is joining me on the Normandy for good?

Nothing?

You heartless bastard.

June 19th, 2012: Let’s catch up over coffee sometime!

I’m not quite sure how this happened, but I’m, uh, close to finishing Mass Effect 3 but my game log is sorta-kinda not updated. Actually, I know how this happened. My Xbox 360 died and therefore so did all of my motivation to keep this log updated ::SNIFF:: But I have a slight recollection of specific events:

First and foremost, Kaidan and I haven’t boinked yet…well, in this game, anyway.

Thessia was utterly pwnd by the Reapers and their army of assholes. The Asari revealed that they may have had something that could aid in the construction of the Catalyst. Turns out there was a Prothean Beacon in their temple, which explains how the Asari were so far advanced – they had been studying it on the DL for thousands of years! Buttheads. The Beacon revealed a Prothean VI, Vendetta. Vendetta told me before the Reapers “cleanse” the universe every X amount of years, the species before it only gets so far with the Catalyst before being wiped out. So, basically the construction of the Catalyst advances with each cycle. Depressing. But before Vendetta could tell me anything else that Asshat Kai Leng showed up and kicked my ass. Douchenozzle. I also got a few more deets re: the Illusive Man and his ultimate goal of controlling the Reapers instead of destroying them.

Ohai I’m Shepard and I know how to work computers on Sanctuary because I’m Shepard.

Next up was Priority: Horizon, and on it was my next goal – to see WTF is going on at Sanctuary. Unfortunately Sanctuary ended up like, not being a sanctuary but instead a death trap whereupon tests were being conducted on humans to ultimately see if Reaper control could be possible. Lovely, right? Anyway, Miranda had been searching for his sister Oriana, and she was pretty convinced her father was involved in some nasty shenanigans.

Sure as hell, her hunch was right and Miranda’s dad was running the shit show. When I eventually ran into him he was holding Oriana hostage and Miranda was wounded. I was able to pass a reputation check and get him to release Oriana aaaaand then Miranda shot and killed him. YOU GO GUUUUUURL. I was then told that we were able to track the Illusive Man to his base. BOOM.

This was right around the time my Xbox 360 started acting wonky – it all started with the known bug in Sanctuary. There’s a room that has a banshee trapped behind some glass, and in this same room is a door you need to proceed through. Unfortunately the door, um, hurt me when I tried to walk through it. As in I couldn’t walk through. At all. So I had to start the mission over again, but the game ended up freezing and I had to force shut ‘er down. HERE. A refresher:

At that point I was still able to get the Xbox up and running every few four or five tries, and I was able to proceed far enough to witness the following before it went totally tits-up:

This segment with drunk Tali was simply brilliant. I need to find this clip on Youtube and favorite that ish so hard.

Oh, Kaidan…you know what kind of mission I have ready for you. CORRECTION – THAT HAS BEEN READY FOR YOU SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THIS GAME. Pansy. Just put out already.

I finally spoke with Hackett and he pretty much told me, “Yo, bitch. Get your shit together so we can finally defeat this game.”

YES SIR!

I was SO bout to say, “WE GO NOW!” but then I realized my galactic readiness wasn’t over 5,000. It was at 3,300 or some shit, which meant IT WAS MULTIPLAYER TIME!!!

June 22nd, 2012: I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR MULTI!!

Because my galactic readiness was only at 3,361 I played ME3 multiplayer until it was up to about 4,500. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is when my Xbox 360 decided to permanently crap out, forcing me to settle for a refurbished console. The cocktard. AND as I’m sure you and the entire universe knows by now I waited a few months to hook up my refurbished console, thus ignoring Mass Effect 3 for far too long.

What does this mean?

Well, besides the obvious “YOU SUCK!” it also means when I went to check my galactic readiness it had dropped BACK down to 3,361 — apparently the points you accrue via multiplayer diminish over time.

Well that’s unfortunate.

Gruntina has a sad.

Although I was bummed because I lost my points, I wasn’t too stressed because I remember having a really good time with Mass Effect 3’s multiplayer. And ZOMG, you guys, my memory served me right; I think I might be addicted to the MP. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sense of comradery — although I wouldn’t recommend playing with a headset as people can get butthurt when you defeat the brutes, banshees, etc and get the points. I was called an “bastard asshole” once or twice. So maybe I should rephrase that. Whatever. Maybe another day. So yeah, I’m not playing with a headset anymore (there’s only so much artardedness I can take) but because everyone’s ultimate goal is to win against the AI I’ve only had one or two matches where my squadmates were douchebags. Other than that, everyone has been a real peach to play with. (Millions of peaches, peaches for me…)

Anyway, I dedicated all day to MP and had an absolute swell time doing so — except for that one time when host quit, the match glitched, the wave didn’t start over and I lost 18+ minutes of point building. That was the suckage.

Warmin’ up…

Getting warmer…

Getting hot…

Getting h-h-otterrrr….

OH GOD YES!!! YES! YESSS!!!

YEAAAAAH!!!

NOW I MUST DO THIS THING THAT IS OUTLINED BELOW. ::puffs chest out::

OOH! Also, this is super exciting. So after my first few matches I went to Twitter:

Who are these fine people who responded to me?

/fangirls to death

July 3rd, 2012: Oh yeah, I hit that. And by “that” I mean Kaidan. 

Oh, yes. I finished Mass Effect 3. And yes, I loved the ending.

But, uh, it might take me a few posts to recap everything. I sorta-kinda took a LOT of pictures. (92.6% of them may have been from the romance scene between Kaidan and I, but…)

ONTO THE ROMANCE SCENE!!!!!!

After giving the go-ahead to Admiral Hackett to mobilize the fleets, the scene cut to Shepard chillin’ in her cabin, looking over some numbers and other boring things that don’t include screwing Kaidan. But on cue Kaidan strutted in with some alcohol (God I LOVE that man) claiming he “couldn’t sleep” and that he just came up for a “quick drink”. PSH. Boy, the only quickness that will be involved will be your recovery time.

And then…the deed was done. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see any, um, body parts but it was still worth the 50 or so hours it took me to get there. Of course, nothing can be cookie-cutter with Shepard. Even after having mind-blowing Spectre sex with Kaidan she ended up having some weird ass dream about that damn kid she’s been chasing for-freaking-ever. Man. It’s almost she’s under pressure or something.

In any case, she woke up the best way possible. THE. BEST. FREAKING. WAY. POSSIBLE.

But for serious homegirl, why did you wake up wearing your bra and underwear? Like, who does that? “Okay hemhem we’re done doing the deed, dear biotic man I have been with for three consecutive games, so therefore I’m going to place my intimates back atop my digital body so that I may sleep comfortably.”

Weak, Shepard. SO weak.

It was time to infiltrate The Illusive Man’s base so the Alliance could recover the Prothean VI that supposedly held the key to the Catalyst. EDI decided she wanted to tag along because of her knowledge of Cerberus algorithms and whatnot. Now, this is funny and groan-worthy for I NEVER took EDI on a mission with me. N-E-V-E-R.

Time to assign points, I suppose…

We assaulted the base, did our thang, and then I found a surveillance video of the Illusive Man preparing to be operated on. I *think* he was getting the same procedures done as the folks were on Sanctuary. After melting my brain with aforementioned video we finally made it to the Big Kahuna Room.

EDI began trying to access the Prothean VI and, as expected, the Illusive Man made an appearance. He was talking his usual nonsense about controlling the Reapers and how he’s only uplifted humanity, yadda yadda yadda. He eventually bid me farewell and left. (How nice of him.) We finally accessed the Prothean. He/she/it revealed that this Catalyst we’ve been chasing after for so long was actually the, uh, Citadel. It was also revealed that the Illusive Man ran like a little bitch to the Citadel in order to inform the Reapers of our plans to destroy them. WOW. What a wet blanket.

And in even better news, Mr. Prothean said The Citadel had already been moved to the Reaper-controlled space.

AND IN EVEN BETTER NEWS my BEST FRIEND FOREVERRRRRR Kai Leng showed up!!! YAY!

The fight with Leng was preeeetty easy, and after destroying his FACE Shepard sat back down and continued working. But, what was this? Kai Leng was getting back up! Yes, he managed to ninja-walk behind Shepard. At this point I was given the option to make a renegade decision, and without even thinking about it I went through with it. Now, I normally don’t do renegade-esque things for I am a pure paragon, but this was one renegade option I don’t regret choosing. As Leng was about to stab le Shepard, she quickly whipped around, snatched (ha, snatched) his sword and sliced that mofo like a watermelon whilst yelling “THAT WAS FOR THANE!”. AH. Revenge – so, so sweet.

With the information we needed, we headed back to the Normandy to make our last preparations for Earth or whatever it is that those mofos running around on the ship do. I dunno. I had more important things to do…like, to make idle chit-chat with everyone.

No daddy issues, EDI? Was the Illusive Man mean to you?

Don’t be TOO vulgar, Kaidan! You tell ‘em big boy.

I busted these two…uh, making out? I mean, Garrus can’t really kiss her, unless he was feelin’ around. Also, jealousy.

Okay, then…

And with that, it was time to order the fleets to Earth.

HNNNNNNNGGGGGGGH!!!

  • YellowHawk

    This was wonderful- though as soon as Kaiden
    dropped me like a rotten potato I dropped him
    for Garrus, and have never looked back.

  • crescendo

    Great blog.
    You’re as giddy for Kaidan as I was giddy for Alistair.
    I can’t wait for the next update.