Resident Evil 6 Log #2: Poor, Poor Deborah…

“…And now I’m currently on a bus on my way to said Cathedral, where people are supposedly holing up. That is NEVER a good sign. I mean, if there’s anything I’ve learned from zombie lore it’s that any supposed “safehouse” turns out to be nothing more than a slaughterhouse full of human body parts and such. Not good.”

CALLED IT. So. Freakin. Called. IT. ::does a happy dance::

After trekking through the cemetery and destroying a never-ending slew of undead things wielding shovels and such my partner and I finally made it to the Cathedral. However I must point out that it took probably an hour or so to complete this rather easy task for we discovered FUCKING VOICE COMMANDS, BABY. (Okay, I had to Google it, but STILL.)

YES. Oh my God. They’re back. Thank you Capcom. The one thing I desired from this game was voice commands and you did NOT let down — I seriously cannot get enough of Leon’s thumb-upping “I’m glad you’re here!” spiel. It’s so cheesy, it’s amazing. Not to mention it never gets old to run circles around your partner as she’s meleeing a shovel-wielding zombie while giving the “NICE!” “NICE!” “NICE!” prompt.

So, yeah, we made it to the cathedral (after having to fend off a kajillion zombie things. Seriously, what are these things? I’m assuming victims of the C-Virus…) and once we were allowed inside, the Tall Oaks Cathedral turned out to be nothing more than an old Spencer Estate-esque puzzle — which I am NOT going to complain about. But more on that later.

When they found out we weren’t rescue workers they were like “PSHAW YOU’RE WORTHLESS TO US KTHNX.”

Helena said that she had been to the Tall Oaks Cathedral days before and that the big ol’ statue in the back hadn’t been there. Like, there was a staircase leading down and now it was blocked by aforementioned big ol’ statue. So of COURSE this means there must be a way to move it! Yessiree — these folks inhabiting the cathedral were sitting in a puzzle and didn’t even know it.

This is when the Spencer-esque shenanigans went down — we had to find scattered Madonna statues and place them on their pedestals. This took a few minutes, and after we were successful the statue in the back of the cathedral moved,  revealing that staircase going down — which is great and all, but it also  revealed this weird-ass monster thing that had skin that resembled shell barnacles. It also, um, sneezed milk (THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE ANYWAY) and killed everyone inside. Except for Leon and Helena, of course. I mean, they are the good guys.

“I was normal, but then I got sneezed on by Barnacle-Skin.”

DOWN, BITCH.

After killing Mr. (Miss? Mrs.?) Barnacle we proceeded down the recently revealed staircase and WHADDJA LOOK AT THAT there’s an underground lab of sorts!

OOOH, a NUMBER puzzle!

Now, like I said earlier I really dig these puzzles. They give me the warm and fuzzies from Resident Evils of old. After all, they’re never too difficult (which is good for my brain) and I really, REALLY like figuring them out with my partner — since I’m playing local co-op we’re having an absolute blast with it. It makes us feel smrt.

Anywho, Helena ended up spilling the beans that she was looking for her sister, Deborah. Or maybe I learned that because I accidentally looked ahead in the wiki. Anyway, in our search for this Deborah chick Leon somehow stumbled across a video of Ada being squirted out of a body-shaped shell. Yes. In the middle of BumFuckEgypt Leon found a video of Ada naked. You can’t make this shit up.

Ohai there.

I also discovered Helena has a very fat vagina.

But I digress.

We finally found Deborah, and just like Ada’s video, she was in some deep-ass random part of the underground lab. Unfortunately she had already been infected with the C-Virus. :/

Deborah before…

…aaaaaand Deborah after:

Yeeeaaaaah.

Ada made a brief cameo, in which she shot Deborah in the head with an arrow. I think she was trying to put her down, but it OBVIOUSLY did not work because yeah you SEE what Deborah turned into? She turned into a mucusy veiny bitch. NO BUENO. Needless to say, her milkshake would not bring boys to the yard — especially because we ended up killing her, and no one likes a dead milkshake. Well, most people do not enjoy it. Okay. Moving the fuck on.

After Ada bounced, Helena revealed to Leon that she was blackmailed by National Security Adviser Derek C. Simmons into aiding the assassination of Benford. And I won’t lie, that sentence came from the wiki because I can’t remember names for shit.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is where I left off. And y’know what? I am loving the SHIT out of Resident Evil 6. I love the puzzles, I love the zombie-esque creature things, I love the co-op. I’m just worried that once I dive into Chris’ or Jake’s campaign it’ll drastically change, but I hope not.

After all, I have voice commands now, so it can’t be TOO bad. >)

OOOH! I ALSO FOUND THE TRIFORCE!!!!

  • m1zark

    “I also discovered Helena has a very fat vagina.” Had to take a moment and reflect on that while I cleaned the water off my monitor. Thanks for making me spit all over the place *angry face*

    • britt5091

      Hahahahahaha, anytime my friend ;D

  • http://twitter.com/GeeksterMike Michael Weir

    I was either really enjoying my time with the game, or cursing loudly and resisting the urge to hurl my controller against the wall. (and it takes an ample amount of shitty gameplay mechanics to get me there). There are some brilliant moments, and others where you just wonder who in the fucking hell thought it was okay to put that in a game. But glad you’re enjoying it.

    I’ve got the 3 main campaigns down and just need to complete the 4th unlocked one. Each campaign is 7-8 hours long if you like to take your time and explore for breakable crates and hidden emblems, so you get a LOT of game, but if they took out all the bullshit in that game and just left in the good parts it would seriously cut the game in half.

    • britt5091

      Thankfully I haven’t had any controller-hucking experiences yet, but maybe I’ll get there! I’m stoked the game is so long!

  • http://twitter.com/DevinTHudson Devin Hudson

    My sister and I just started Leon’s campaign last weekend, and we actually stopped right at the fight with Deborah. We always figured Leon was a bit of ladies’ man, so between Helena’s fat vagina, naked Ada video, looking up Deborah’s dress while Helena was carrying her (that sliding move actually came in handy for something!), and then Deborah turning into a huge naked monster, he was probably in his glory.

    We played the other campaigns first (thinking Leon would be the best, so saving him for last), so the order you play them in might affect how you ultimately end up feeling about them. From the start Leon seems kinda slow and cramped, which feels kinda limited compared to the other two (who are pretty much all action all the time). We’re really kinda wishing we had played Leon first now, if only because it feels weird to have AMPED IT UP so high on the action scale with Chris and Jake, and then have to mellow back down for Leon.

    • britt5091

      Ah, I can see that. Yeah, I plan on finishing Leon’s campaign first. Also, I can’t believe I didn’t think about looking up her dress. DAMMIT!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lauren.carroll2 Lauren Carroll

    Leon’s campaign is my fav but I am absolutely in love with Jake. He is my Alistair. He’s so pretty!

    • britt5091

      OHMYGOD I CAN’T WAIT. <333. I'll let you know how your taste in men is ;D

  • GlassGamer

    I wish that all of RE6 was centered around Leon’s campaign because you don’t get any sense of closure until you finish all 4 campaigns. I finished the entire game and Leon’s section is better than the others in every manner (more polished, best bosses, best combat)

    • britt5091

      Hmmm…I can’t wait to see for myself!

  • DIABLO

    hy add DIABLO_THE_BOSS im good player at resident evil 6 if you wanna play with me add me please