The story of Kaidan Alenko and I

It was only this year that I delved into the Mass Effect series, and while I didn’t make a log at the time (because this site didn’t exist!) I’ll wrap my experience up in a nutshell:

 <3.

By now you guys should know that I’m all about interesting characters. If game’s characters are static and dull, I tend to lose interest rather quickly. But if they’re full of life and depth, I tend to develop pseudo feelings for these guys. I care about them as if they were my real friends. So, you can only imagine my reaction to Kaidan’s douchebaggyness in Mass Effect 2.

Y U HATING, K?

Maybe I should rewind a bit. See, I romanced Kaidan in Mass Effect 1, and our history is a little rocky. Upon meeting Lieutenant Alenko I thought he was a little weird and homely, but the fucker grew on me. He was cute, humble, and he told me he once broke someone’s neck. Hot. Ultimately, I had my way with him and he fell in love with me—,er he fell in love with Shepard. Now, Mass Effect 2 was the first game I had ever played that utilized data integration, so I was extremely anxious to see how my lil’ Alenko romance would play out in the sequel. Well, it was rather unfortunate when, not even five minutes into the game, the Normandy was blown into oblivion and Shepard died of asphyxiation. Yeah, how about that?

Needless to say, Mass Effect 2 took a dramatic curve right from the get-go and consequently I had to recruit brand spankin’ new party members. I hoped against hope that Kaidan would eventually fill one of the empty voids on my party selection screen, but my hope dwindled as I progressed through the game. All that remained of Kaidan’s presence was a photo of him on my desk that would greet me with his a-daw-able face every time I walked into my quarters.  But deep down I was beginning to think I’d never see him again. Just when I was about to give up, the Illusive Man suggested that I check out the planet Horizon and, he added, a former colleague may be in the area.

That colleague turned out to be Kaidan. My heart swelled as we embraced for the first time in years, but it deflated just as quickly. As soon as Kaidan found out I was working with Cerberus he began acting like Douchey McDouchebag. OH SORRY KAIDAN I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, DEAD FOR A FEW YEARS. SORRY I COULDN’T WRITE TO YOU AND EXPLAIN THE SITUATION.

I found myself truly offended by his douchebaggyness. We parted on a sour note, with no plans to meet up ever again.

But soon after our lil’ meeting he sent me an email apologizing for his dooshattitude; admitting that he thought he had lost me, and once he saw me all of those warm-n-fuzzy feelings came rushing back. He said he couldn’t believe that I was working with Cerebrus and, in turn, acted like a douchenozzle, for which he apologized. He even hinted at getting back together once everything settled down. Oh, I was a sucker and I immediately forgave the bastard. That was the last I heard from him.

Now Garrus, on the other hand, had re-joined my party earlier in the game. Although he somewhat resembled a cricket, I was beginning to get a little flirtatious with the Turian. He was mysterious and had an intoxicating aura of confidence about him, a refreshing change from the Lieutenant.

It's so true.

One lonely night on the Normandy, I let things go a little too far between Garrus and I. You could say that we…erm, had settled on a verbal agreement to participate in interspecies sex. EVENTUALLY. We hadn’t done anything just yet. As I left Garrus and made my way to the captain’s quarters I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of regret. Had I just majorly fucked up? I could always tell Garrus that I really didn’t want to go through with it; I could explain to him that I got caught up in the moment. It was just friendly flirtation that had been, unintentionally, taken to the next step. Surely he’d understand. In the meantime, all I needed to do was take a look at Kaidan’s photo. That would clear my head. As the doors to my room wooshed open, my eyes immediately scanned my desk to find Kaidan’s photo.

But I couldn’t find it. Where was it? It wasn’t next to my Medal of Honor like it normally was. It—oh.

The photo was face down. APPARENTLY my flirtatious antics with Garrus caused an unseen force to knock it over. In this case, the unseen force would be a little company called Bioware.

HA-HA BIOWARE. U SO FUNNY.

Had I seriously just broken it off with Kaidan?! I felt my heart drop. 

But then I remembered that I am save whore and had several different save files. Before I could say “Kaidan is a douchebag” I had booted up a different save and, once again, Kaidan’s photo was right where it should be—perky sitting on my desk face up. All was right in the world, and I remained faithful to Kaidan (or should I say his photo?) during the remainder of Mass Effect 2. Were my efforts for naught?  Well, according to Casey Hudson, executive producer of the Mass Effect series:

“So even something like: if you had a Mass Effect 1 romance and you didn’t have a Mass Effect 2 romance, so you stay true to the character from the first game, there’s a scene where you look at the picture of that character, and that’s essentially the romance scene in Mass Effect 2,” Hudson explained.

“I think when people realized that we were thinking about that kind of thing, and that we were going to reflect those kinds of decisions, then it’s like ‘Wow, the game actually knows that I didn’t cheat on my Mass Effect 1 love interest. So if it knows that, then it probably knows other stuff that it will reflect. Then that means I need to think about that stuff [when] talking to characters and making decisions and the like.’”

 “…the game actually knows that I didn’t cheat on my Mass Effect 1 love interest…”

 HEEEEEEEH. ;^_^(\ 

Thank you, Casey Hudson. This is why you are awesome. I can’t wait to see how Kaidan makes up for it and kisses my ass. Er…well, maybe I don’t want to really see that.

…No, wait, I do. I really, really do.

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  • yay! truw wuv wins in the end! I did the same thing with Liara.she is just so nervous and adorable,then later commanding and dark,Daddy like…eh that came out wrong. BUUUT I have multiple saves so one of my characters got some Tali action. Another character got with Miranda, maybe I should change my characters name to Captain Kirk?

    I applaud your fidelity, but I say Kaiden will never test your flexibility like Garrus wanted to. Kaiden is as Vanilla as they come >:P

    Also Garrus is manly as hell.He takes a dozen bullets or so to the face and shrugs that shit off. God damnit Garrus why wont you love me!? ;(

    • Tali probably smells funny. AND YOU DON’T KNOW KAIDAN LIKE I DO!!!!!

  • Nick

    I romanced Ashley in the first one, although sometimes I wished I went with Liara instead. And I even tried to play both sides initially cause I couldn’t make up my mind. But when they both confronted me I went with her. And when she bitched me out for hanging with Cerberus I was ready say “screw you” and go bang Miranda. But I also got a nice email from her and it made me decide to stay faithful to her for the rest of the game (on my primary save that is).

    • They both confronted you? Like, at the same time? That would be hilarious! And yeah, it was post-Kaidan’s doucheness that I told Garrus ohai. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Mmmmhmmmm.

  • *wink wink 🙂

    • BromBrom

      I went with Ashley in ME1 then had her die because it’s bros before hoes. Then I went with Miranda because, fornication with a Yvonne clone with no risk of having any kids? HELL YEAH!!!!

  • Tim

    Here’s how I rate the BioWare romances starting from the lowest and ending in the greatest game romance of all time!!!
    Note: I’m counting Knights of the Old Republic 2, because it’s half a BioWare game.
    Spoiler Alert: Jade Empire, Knights 1, 2 & ME2 spoilers is found in here.

    Lower Tier
    28. Sebastain (DA2): Becoming a nun in order to spend the rest of my life with choirboy sucked major ass.
    27. Jacob (ME2): Dude annoyed me to no end and I think he’s going to stab me in the back in ME3. He’s too Cerberus poster child.
    26. Discipple (K2): As exciting as stale toast.
    25. Morrigan (DAO): nice humor, but chick thought selling elves into slavery wasn’t a bad idea. Chick’s got some issues.
    24. Bastila (K1): She harped on me the whole time about not giving in to the dark side and then becomes a Sith herself. Bitch.
    23. Carth (K1): biggest whiner in gaming history. blah-blah, son is Sith, blah-blah wife is dead, etc. How about we save that crap for when we are back on the ship and not trying to avoid being killed by under city gangs, ok!?!
    22. Visas (K2): Talks like a Sith but is sooo Jedi. Just be who you are already, OK!?
    21. Zev (DAO): As loyal as, well an assassin. He don’t trust the dude.
    20. Thane (ME2): It’s nice that he loves his wife so much and also kills any chance of a romance. His memory eye flicker thing is a little freaking too.
    19. Ashley (ME1): Too ‘pro-human’ for me and lacks any real sense of humor. Dang girl smile once in awhile would you!?
    18. Jack (ME2): Being told to go F myself and how she just wants to kill everyone kind of breaks the mood for me.
    17. Isabela (DA2): Funny as hell and self centered as hell. I need someone that can thing about someone other then themselves.

    Mid Tier
    16. Anders (DA2): Whines a bit, has a bitter spirit in him and just doesn’t seem to catch my interest. The ‘broken toy’ appeal just doesn’t catch my interest much. I feel for him though
    15. Miranda (ME2): I really shouldn’t like her this much but that whole scene with her and her sister and with her quitting on IM really added a ton of depth to someone I pretty much write off. I like being surprised.
    14. Silk Fox (JE): I liked her a lot more as Silk Fox, the rebel that would free herself of her noble entrapments, then as the duty bound princess. She was interesting with her dual roles and her willingness to rebel against he father, but was a bit cold.
    13. Liara (ME1): I liked her a lot in ME1 and then they just made he all hard ass in ME2 and that just ruined it for me, for the most part. There’s still a little of the old T’Soni in there somewhere.
    12. Atton (K2): Whine a bit, but is a pretty cool dude. Would be higher if I didn’t see how evil the SOB can be when he becomes Sith. I still also hate the fact that he didn’t die for his first crush. Unforgivable for me.
    11. Handmaiden (K2): I like the fact that she’s willing to leave her people and do what she feels is right and she’s strong, but the lack of humor and having to pull teeth to get some depth from her was a bit annoying.
    10. Sky: He was a pretty cool rouge and if he didn’t almost get me killed when we first meet he would be higher on the list. He also just seemed to be missing something for me.
    9. Dawn Star (JE): Super sweet girl, but a bit too dependent on me. She would have a lot more appeal if she learned to stand on her own feet.
    8. Fenris (DA2): I disliked him at first (leave my sister alone!) but he really grew on me and was a nice surprise. If he wasn’t so caught up into his anti-mage quirk he would be higher on the list.
    7. Merrill (DA2): Pretty dang awesome really. Perfectly adorable, but to throw everything away in order to make a pact with a demon and restore and evil friend killing mirror just gnaws at me. That’s not naive, that’s just stupid.
    6. Leliana (DAO): Yes she was a touch, well touched, but she was pretty adorable and very sweet and still had a naughty side. Very hot. Would be higher on the list if she was more stable.

    Elite Tier:
    5. Alistair (DAO): He was simple put the man. A slight whine to him keeps him at number five, but great humor and a huge heart put him head and shoulders above the others. Needs more backbone though. Being a dude cost him a point.
    4. Garrus (ME2): He is the man! Doesn’t even let having part of his face and entire wardrobe being blown off stop him. Succeeded at getting into trouble without me being around and even made some head way. Even knows what a joke is and if he wasn’t so ‘the hero Omega needs’ he would get at least a notch higher. Being a dude cost him a point.
    3. Kaiden (ME1): The perfect hero. Strong believes and is one of the only people that will tell me off and stick with it. Big hart, a sense of humor and has been able to put himself back together despite a less then tender past. Doesn’t need Sheppard, but Sheppard needs more people like Kaiden. Being a dude might have been the only thing keeping him from the number one spot.
    2. Mira (K2): tough, but still nice. Easy going bounty hunter with some morales. Becomes a Jedi way quicker than a Sith. Even her bad side seems to have more moxy than evil, but still shows that dangerous things can come in small packages. Has a sense of humor to boot.
    1. Tali (ME2): I liked her in ME1, but felt we had more of a mentor – student relationship. A few years and a death later and I’m head over heels for the lass. She is perfection in its most perfect form. Screw gang infested Earth, I’m stopping the Reapers to save Tali! We’re going to live together forever and raise our little mutant bubble babies in a safer universe when all the dust settles, count on it!

    • Sorry, I saw someone’s name I didn’t recognize from DA2 so I stopped reading. /)_(\ I’ll read your comment after I finish it.

  • Emma vas Normandy

    Ha!! That was soooo funny 🙂

    Think I might be developing a girl crush…maybe I shouldn’t say that…wait I just did!!

    Bring on FemShepFriday with hopefully more Kaidan goodness 🙂