Gamers, You Better Put Out

Crazy GF

Honestly, I don’t even know how to start this blog so I’m juuuuust going to paste the original story below:

“Heather Hayes, 24, burst in to a supermarket – naked from the waist down – and assaulted her lover in front of shocked shoppers.

She claims Eric Zuber had been playing his Xbox for TWO days with pals and had refused to sleep with her.

Zuber fled their flat to a convenience store to call police after redhead Hayes flew in to a rage.

Cops in Pennsylvania, US, said that Hayes had bitten her boyfriend’s arm and grabbed his testicles before he fled.

Zuber called police from the Lansford Turkey Hill convenience store before Hayes turned up half naked and began screaming insults at him.

They took the pair to a local police station where Hayes explained that Zuber would not have sex with her.

Hayes is charged with indecent exposure, simple assault, open lewdness, and harassment.

She explained to police that she was not wearing any trousers because she had been trying to seduce Zuber before she ended up attacking him.”

So, like, I have so many questions. I guess the first (and most important) question is what game was homeboy playing? I mean that’s the most important thing to take away from this entire story. What game could possibly defer a man from sexual intercourse with a crazy half-naked woman? And my condolences to the poor dude — not only did he have his nuts yanked, he was pubically (see what I did thar?)  humiliated and accused of not wanting sex in front of “shocked shoppers”.

Ah, fuck it. I have so many other questions but admittedly I can’t get the mental image of this entire cluster going down.

Godspeed Eric Zuber — godspeed.

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  • look what she did,maybe there is a reason he wasnt hanging with her to begin with

    • Dude I am with you.

      • britt5091

        A fair point indeed.

  • Is it wrong that I’m just picturing this crazed naked redhead? Must’ve been some game.

  • Man that must have been a really good game, I want to know what it is so I can play it. I don’t have a girlfriend to ignore, so it is perfect.

    Are crazy women attractive or not attractive? Why don’t I know this?

  • Holy batshit crazy. See, that’s what too much Call of Duty gets you!

  • ap3xth30ry

    Bitches be CRAZZZZZZZZZZZy

  • LMAO! Must have been a good game! Maybe tomb raider? Lara C. may have been hotter than his GF! Or he already new she was Bat-Ish crazy and was trying to avoid her 😛

    • britt5091

      Lara C: the homewrecker.

  • This reminds of this episode of True Life I saw, where this girl always wanted to have sex but her boyfriend spent more time playing games instead. This was like a really extreme case though, because she was some kind of crazy nympho who wanted it like 20 times a day, and he would only give it to her like 2 or 3 times a day.

    But yeah, I really want to know what this dude was playing that could keep him away from sex for two freaking days. I can’t think of a single game that could do the same to me. And maybe I’m not following the bro code (bros before hos, am I right?), but I can’t help but think that maybe he deserved it just a bit.

    • gravier1984

      It’s bros before foes actually…

      • I refuse to acknowledge developers kowtowing to fan pressure.

        • britt5091

          LOL. Well played. 🙂

          • britt5091

            Also, I’ve seen that episode too Devin!

  • It’s not just men who sexually assault their partners?

    I can’t think of any game that would “keep me from my appointed rounds”.

    • britt5091

      Apparently not!

    • Derp

      Maybe it wasn’t the game, but instead the crazy chick for a girlfriend.

  • Something no one has mentioned yet: this Brit newspaper made sure to specify that Hayes is a redhead. What does that have to do with the story? Not much, unless you have a ginger stereotype you’re trying to reinforce. Hmm.

    • Guest

      Where’d you read she was a red head?

      • Kay Davies

        “Zuber fled their flat to a convenience store to call police after REDHEAD Hayes flew in to a rage.”

        Capslock mine for emphasis.

  • I love games, but damn that should never take priority over “other quality things”…..

  • I can understand the boyfriends logic a bit. My exgirlfriend was bugging out and wanted my undivided attention to help her study for the Human Anatomy final (I was the TA in the class).

    All I said was if she helps me beat L4D2 on realism I’ll acknowledge her request. She hit me with the anatomy textbook. Personally I would have taken her to the mountains and shoot some cans as a stress reliever.

    • britt5091

      Ahahahahaha. Well at least you tried.

  • Jaym Esch

    Wait, wait… this guy has a girl throwing herself at him for sex? I’m doing something completely wrong, because I have literally been unable to find a willing female in over 15 years. I really should end my misery at some point.

    Still, this one’s hard to figure out- just let her sit on your lap and do your thing while taking care of your gaming. Your friend isn’t going to complain- free porn is always happily accepted.

    • Sequelched

      Oh, I don’t know, perhaps she’s a crazy attention whore and he was beginning to doubt his interest in her?

  • Holy shit I think I know this chick.

    • britt5091

      D:

  • To Guest, who questioned as to where it was suggested she was a redhead?

    Froom the story itself: “Zuber fled their flat to a convenience store to call police after redhead Hayes flew in to a rage.”
    Now, I love videogames, don’t get me wrong…but a game that makes you swear off sex? Only if you plan to be a monk on a mountainside, chanting for the rest of your misbegotten, sexually-underserved life.

  • Yep…Call of Duty will do that to you.

    • britt5091

      It can be an evil bitch.

  • If you saw her picture you’d probably choose video games too.

  • The problem I had with this is that it says he hadn’t slept with her for two days. Only two days. I’m not sure about everyone else, but if she went this psychotic after only two days of no sex, there is something much more wrong. Not the guy. Who knows, he probably slept with her just the day before and had a whole day of raunchy rigorous balls deep sweaty sex. But only two days is insane for anyone to go nuts (hehe) over, no matter how strong your sex drive is.