Dishonored Log #1: Nice Knowing You, Empress.

dishonored logo

For the past, oh, week and a half or so Dishonored has been running my life, and I mean that in a very, very good way. Admittedly, I thought this game was going to be too stressful for my heart to handle — y’know, with all of that sneaking around, the anxiety about getting caught, being snuck up on from behind…but as it turns out, Arkane Studios is extremely good at what they do. In fact, they’ve done such a great job at making me as if I, the player, am, like, a demi-God with all of the powers I have. Therefore those little peon guard-folk aren’t anything worth sweating over and I thoroughly enjoy sneaking around them — although I always end up slaughtering 92% of everyone I encounter. Woops.

But I digress.

I am Corvo Attano, and I am the Empress’ bitch. Well, technically I serve as Lord Protector BUT I STILL THINK WE BANGED. Er, I think Corvo and The Empress have banged. Right. Anyway, Corvo was on a several-month-long journey seeking aid from other nations. You see, there’s this thing called the Rat Plague and it’s bad news bears. After stepping on home turf for the first time in ages, the Empress’ daughter Emily (who is probably Corvo’s daughter as well, seeing as I’m convinced the Empress and Corvo do the deed like crazy monkeys) approached Corvo and was all like, “SUP BRAH?! I’m at least 15-years-old but I want to play hide and seek!” (Actually I think she’s like, ten or something but she has the voice of a old teenager.)


This is where my first thoughts of “Oh, shit. This might get too intense for me!” percolated. I can’t say I’ve ever played a legit stealth game before — the closest thing  that comes to mind is BioShock, so, yeah, there you go. My heart was beating like a mofo as I hid behind a trash bin waiting for that little teenage-toddler-hybrid to find me. At one point I accidentally poked my head out and  this SHRILL noise emitted and she was all “AHA FOUND YOU CORVO YOU SLY BASTARD!” And that concluded our hide and seek game. It was time to see my mistress — er, my Empress.


On the way to see the Empress I met High Overseer Campbell as he was elegantly posing for a photo with some manly fruit (like a peach or something) behind him. This guy is a bastard-hole and I’ll leave it at that for now. <3.


I snapped the above photo because after taking one look at that bald-headed weirdo — the Royal Spymaster — I knew he was just as bad news bears as the Rat Plauge. I KNEW IT. This was a prime example of when I wish I could take total control of the main character. I would have grabbed homeboy by that ugly collar and been all, “Yo, Empress. This guy is going to come back and haunt all of us — trust me, I’ve played many video games in my day. I’ve seen this kind before. Can I just throw him over the cliff now and be done with it?”

I delivered a letter to the Empress that contained each of the nation’s responses about helping us, and from her reaction they weren’t good. APPARENTLY NO ONE WANTS TO HELP A NATION OUT. “Don’t worry about us, brosephs. We’ll just all be eaten by rats and turn into zombie-like-creatures and die and stuff. No need for your assistance.”

But then out of fucking NOWHERE these teleporting assassin folk showed up and, um, well…


Hint: we’re not about to make out. That red stuff behind her head? That’s blood. Needless to say, the Empress soon croaked and her daughter, Emily, was kidnapped. No more than two seconds later that bald bastard Royal Spymaster showed up again and was all, “DUDE,  CORVO, WTF DID YOU DO?! I am SO imprisoning you for killing the Empress and doing whatever you did with Emily, seeing as she’s not here and stuff.”

spymaster campbell

Well, fast forward six months and I”m about to be executed! ::clicks heels::

During the past six months the Spymaster has seized control of Dunwall and has assumed the title of Lord Regent.  And because Corvo’s execution was the next day, Mr. Lord Regent was feelin’ all warm and fuzzy and told Corvo he masterminded the entire assassination. NO WEI! I totally NEVER SAW THAT COMING. ::throws arms up in frustration:: If only I could have thrown you off of the cliff when I wanted to…

Back in my cell I received this note:


Ah, yes. This is where things started to get interesting.

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