Bayonetta Log #2: Guns. Ass. Boobs. YES.

Late last night I popped the Bayonetta disc into the PS3, sat back, and….installed a firmware update that took fifteen minutes.

But once things got rollin’ I had to endure the longest introduction in my life, during which I had no idea WTF was going on. I’m still trying to make sense of what I saw. It sounds like there are two “factions”, the dark witches and the light witches (or SOMETHING) called the Umbra and the Lumen. Which is which? I’m going to assume the Lumen are the light witches because it sounds like “illuminate” and Umbra are the dark witches because the word just sounds kind of emo. Like umbrella. And people use umbrellas when it’s dark and rainy outside. So, there’s that.

Oh, you’re wondering why I can’t recall what was taught to me in the intro, it’s BECAUSE I HAD TO FIGHT DURING THE STUPID THING. So dumb. I love the story of a game, so I want to pay extra attention to the dialogue, especially during the opening cinematics. But it’s sorta kinda hard to do that when the intro requires me to listen AND fight crazy light witch people while falling from a platform into an unknown abyss at the same time. (Seriously, I was getting beat to shit because I was listening to the intro and unaware that I was supposed to be fighting.)

So next thing I know Bayonetta is dressed up in an innocent looking nun-esque outfit reading a prayer of some kind over a grave. A little fat guy with a cigar, Enzo I believe, is next to her, repeatedly saying that this “guy” she was praying for (or whatever it was she was doing) will not be saved, he was a terrible person, he deserved it, blahblahblah. Oh, and he wanted to get home so his “cute fuckers” of children could give him his birthday dinner. Or something.

Now c'mon, this isn't the face of a crazy dominatrix witch slaughtering woman!

His voice makes me laugh.

These light witches appeared and Enzo is all “WTFBBQ they came for him?” and Bayonetta began floating up towards the angels. I thought she was going to, you know, join in song and dance or something when all of a sudden she fucking went apeshit and slaughtered them.

THEN, the dude from the coffin, Rodin, popped out, said ohai, gave Bayonetta guns and she blew things up—OOOOOOOH. Oh. Okay. She must have been working with Rodin to lure the witches there. That makes the most sense. Anyway, Enzo was later captured by some bird creature aaaaand then I got stuck. And by got stuck, I mean I got stuck! I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to get to Enzo or where the hell I was supposed to go, so off the game went.

"OHai," he said.

WHERE DO I GO?!

And that, ladies and gentleman, was my first experience with Bayonetta.

As for Bayonetta herself, she’s such an over-the-top character and she totally has that sexy librarian look to her. I dig it. I also love that she was given an out-of-this-world figure; she’s obviously not supposed to be the typical “girl-next-door”, so why would they design her to look like anything else? For Pete’s sake, this chick does a handstand, spreads her legs and shoots pistols out of her feet.

So as of right now, I don’t have an issue with Bayonetta. BRITT APPROVES. What Britt doesn’t approve of, however, are the effin’ loading screens. THEY SUCK. It’s like I push select and…wait for it…just a little longer…THERE’S the item screen! But that’s it. So far nothing has turned me off of Bayonetta, which means I’ll be playing again tonight!

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  • You’re too easy to please. Just a simple creature.

    • Britt

      That’s right.

  • Wingus

    You should’ve got the 360 version… the 15 minute patch was just to make it playable. 360 version is wayy better.

    • Britt

      I’ve heard that! Well the dealio is that I bought it for five bucks at a garage sale, sooo….

  • Justin

    Should have played it on Xbox. Not trying to insight a flame war but I have heard it runs better

    • Britt

      Nope, I’ve heard that too.

  • Wingus

    Sega handled the port from 360 to PS3 so it is really sub-part.. Sony even had to give them programmers to make that patch so it is playable. 360 version was made by Platinum games, loading screens and framerate are much better not to mention it looks better too. After this game then platinum games learned their lesson and developed first on PS3 thats why Vanquish runs great on both and should be the next game you play! underrated game.

  • Joey

    Same thing happened with Oblivion, which is why PS3 doesn’t have all of the DLC and doesn’t look nearly as good as it could have. For a nerd reference, between the capcom connection and the appearance of Enzo(who may or may not be the same one from the Devil May Cry 3 Manga/Novels) Bayonetta is in the same world as Dante and crew. They even copied DMC’s combat system for good measure! With hair tights!

  • Gee guns, ass AND boobs? What’s not to love?

  • Ha ha your my fav with all your dialong descriptions and scenarios. Very vivid intro. Glad you didn’t go all femenatzi this is sexist on us. Enjoy the game you deserve it after Portal Two.

  • The creatures in the game are (supposedly) angels. Like the kind from heaven or w/e. They are aligned with the ‘light witches’ who are the self-appointed guardians of the world. Bayonetta is the last of the dark witches and is the only one who can stop the light witches from taking over completely. This would be a Bad Thing for some reason.

    Yeah…

    The story is completely incoherent most of the time anyway and only serves as a backdrop for the awesome ass-kicking. 🙂