January 31st, 2013: Nice Knowing You, Empress.
For the past, oh, week and a half or so Dishonored has been running my life, and I mean that in a very, very good way. Admittedly, I thought this game was going to be too stressful for my heart to handle — y’know, with all of that sneaking around, the anxiety about getting caught, being snuck up on from behind…but as it turns out, Arkane Studios is extremely good at what they do. In fact, they’ve done such a great job at making me as if I, the player, am, like, a demi-God with all of the powers I have. Therefore those little peon guard-folk aren’t anything worth sweating over and I thoroughly enjoy sneaking around them — although I always end up slaughtering 92% of everyone I encounter. Woops.
But I digress.
I am Corvo Attano, and I am the Empress’ bitch. Well, technically I serve as Lord Protector BUT I STILL THINK WE BANGED. Er, I think Corvo and The Empress have banged. Right. Anyway, Corvo was on a several-month-long journey seeking aid from other nations. You see, there’s this thing called the Rat Plague and it’s bad news bears. After stepping on home turf for the first time in ages, the Empress’ daughter Emily (who is probably Corvo’s daughter as well, seeing as I’m convinced the Empress and Corvo do the deed like crazy monkeys) approached Corvo and was all like, “SUP BRAH?! I’m at least 15-years-old but I want to play hide and seek!” (Actually I think she’s like, ten or something but she has the voice of a old teenager.)
This is where my first thoughts of “Oh, shit. This might get too intense for me!” percolated. I can’t say I’ve ever played a legit stealth game before — the closest thing that comes to mind is BioShock, so, yeah, there you go. My heart was beating like a mofo as I hid behind a trash bin waiting for that little teenage-toddler-hybrid to find me. At one point I accidentally poked my head out and this SHRILL noise emitted and she was all “AHA FOUND YOU CORVO YOU SLY BASTARD!” And that concluded our hide and seek game. It was time to see my mistress — er, my Empress.
On the way to see the Empress I met High Overseer Campbell as he was elegantly posing for a photo with some manly fruit (like a peach or something) behind him. This guy is a bastard-hole and I’ll leave it at that for now. <3.
I snapped the above photo because after taking one look at that bald-headed weirdo — the Royal Spymaster — I knew he was just as bad news bears as the Rat Plauge. I KNEW IT. This was a prime example of when I wish I could take total control of the main character. I would have grabbed homeboy by that ugly collar and been all, “Yo, Empress. This guy is going to come back and haunt all of us — trust me, I’ve played many video games in my day. I’ve seen this kind before. Can I just throw him over the cliff now and be done with it?”
I delivered a letter to the Empress that contained each of the nation’s responses about helping us, and from her reaction they weren’t good. APPARENTLY NO ONE WANTS TO HELP A NATION OUT. “Don’t worry about us, brosephs. We’ll just all be eaten by rats and turn into zombie-like-creatures and die and stuff. No need for your assistance.”
But then out of fucking NOWHERE these teleporting assassin folk showed up and, um, well…
Hint: we’re not about to make out. That red stuff behind her head? That’s blood. Needless to say, the Empress soon croaked and her daughter, Emily, was kidnapped. No more than two seconds later that bald bastard Royal Spymaster showed up again and was all, “DUDE, CORVO, WTF DID YOU DO?! I am SO imprisoning you for killing the Empress and doing whatever you did with Emily, seeing as she’s not here and stuff.”
Well, fast forward six months and I”m about to be executed! ::clicks heels::
During the past six months the Spymaster has seized control of Dunwall and has assumed the title of Lord Regent. And because Corvo’s execution was the next day, Mr. Lord Regent was feelin’ all warm and fuzzy and told Corvo he masterminded the entire assassination. NO WEI! I totally NEVER SAW THAT COMING. ::throws arms up in frustration:: If only I could have thrown you off of the cliff when I wanted to…
Back in my cell I received this note:
Ah, yes. This is where things started to get interesting.
February 4th, 2013: I Don’t Trust Pendleton.
Now that I had the means to escape Coldridge Prison I had to learn the basic skills of life — aka how to kill my enemies and/or render them unconscious. The text above is kinda small, but in a nutshell it says “OHAI! This is Arkane Studios telling you that if you decide to kill everyone in this game you will receive a dark ending and people will be all emo and stuff. But if you take your time and render enemies unconscious therefore NOT spilling blood people will be happy and your ending will be just swell!”
I love a warm and fuzzy ending just as much as the next person, so I promised myself I would put forth a great effort not to murder, like, everyone I saw. Yeah. Ask me how that turned out. ::grumble grumble::
After my first mission I killed 11 people and only knocked five of ‘em out. IT’S NOT MY FAULT THEY CHARGED ME. Self-defense made me do it. Anyway, I managed to escape Coldridge and caught a ride with my good buddy Samuel. Oh, Samuel. You’re so…weird looking. Kind of ape-looking, actually. Hmmmm. ::tilts head:: Yeah. Maybe chimp-ish.
In any case, my monkey friend Samuel ferried my ass to the Hound Pits Pub to meet a group of folks opposed to the illegal reign of the Lord Regent. This group, The Loyalists, was headed by Admiral Havelock and his creepy-ass partner-in-crime Lord Treavor Pendleton.
Okay, hold it right there. Look how CREEPY Pendleton is — and for fuck’s sake, with a name like Pendleton that’s just a no-brainer. I mean, he might as well be walking around with a “I’m gonna turn on yoooou laaaa-deeee-daaaaa!” sign all across his front, back, ass, forehead….just saying. Anyway, I later had the pleasure of meeting Piero Joplin who bestowed upon me an ugly-ass mask as a welcoming present. Thanks, brah.
After meeting everyone Corvo went upstairs to get some well-deserved rest. I mean damn. Poor dude had been through a lot. BUT EVEN SLEEP WASN’T GOOD TO CORVO. Oh, no. You see, during his rest he ended up being visited by the Outsider (who I, admittedly, found attractive. What a surprise!) and Corvo found himself in some weird Dragon Age-esque Fade environment, which is called “The Void” in Dishonored.
The Outsider was all, “Yo Corvo. I’m gonna give you this nasty-ass heart that allows you to find these things called Ruins and Bone Charms. They’re going to help you out and stuff during your journey. I’m also going to brand you with my mark, so you can do cool shit and learn some pretty rad abilities. Also, if you see Brittney Brombacher will you tell her that I want her nuts? Kthnx.” Let me tell you, that heart seriously grossed me out the first twenty times or so I used it. Ewwww. Know what’s even creepier? It’s alluded that the heart belonged to the late Empress. Double ewwww.
After waking up from that hellish nightmare, Corvo is informed by Havelock that his job is to eliminate anyone who supports the Lord Regent. And instead of “eliminate” Havelock might as well have said “kill” because, damn, I couldn’t be a stealthy squirrel if my life depended on it. “Okay I’m just going to sneak up on you–OHMYGOD HE SAW ME OMG OMG OMG!” ::chucks sticky grenade::
My first target? That bastard High Overseer Campbell.